new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

7 thoughts on “new skin”

  1. Love this post. I just read an article from New York Magazine about a woman who constantly morns the bright, bubbly, friendly person she used to be. The columnist told her that much of that past person she was, was unknowing part of a façade influenced by the people she was around at the time. I totally relate to that and what you’ve said here. I think many of us feel like we wish we were “the way we used to be”, but we can’t go back there and shouldn’t want to because we’re now shaped with new knowledge and experiences. I just wrote a blog post on it if you want to check it out!


    1. Thank you so much, for commenting your thoughts. I think that’s so interesting. I mean people do say that you’re the sum of your top 5 friends, so pick them wisely. I definitely have mourned a more ‘energetic’ and ‘bubbly’ side of myself. I’ve become more serious and reserved. I think during that grieving process, I kept thinking that was a negative, but the more you start noticing how it affects your life differently, you realize you change for a reason. And if you’re a believer in “everything happens for a reason” than it’s quite comforting. I’ll definitely check out your blog post 🙂 Thank you, again – C-

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for these comments, Luke. I’m glad you’re back and well too. It always makes my day when I can connect with people, like yourself, that are just trying to figure shit out in life! The growth spurts, the depressive hurdles, etc; (Also, congratulations on being open about your sexuality and confronting it! 🙂 It’s a wonderful thing and in so many ways, it sets you free) -C-

        Liked by 1 person

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