sleeping in a tent

I’m living with my best friend in Denver till I can find a place and her apartment is so small that I’m living on her back patio…in a tent. I blew up this queen-sized mattress and put all these pillows inside it. Lights overhang the ceiling dividing us from the third floor of the building. It’s crowded with a huge grill, four, what look like monster truck tires, a table and their accompanying chairs. It’s fucking crowded. I turned the table and one chair into my office space that I have to practically dry hump just to swing one leg past the tent on my way to the door when I need a pee break. This is the smallest space I’ve ever had to live in, but I’m pretty content anyways.

Last night…I had the best sleep. I woke up this morning completely refreshed. My eye baggies were gone and I was so toasty warm and comfortable. Being outside and experiencing the fresh air….as I smell cigarette smoke from the overhead apartment…lol whatever it can be really nice.

There is this guy, we’ll call him Seth, he made me rethink what the fuck I’m doing with my life when I told him my situation and he asked me all sorts of questions that made me think, “I have no commitments here yet, am I done moving just yet?” Am I ready to move out of a tent and into an apartment? Am I ready to sign myself to a lease and commit myself to a full-time marketing job?

Am I ready to move out of this tent?

I think the biggest problem right now is that I don’t know. It’s not that I know what I want and I’m deciding if its the right decision, it’s that I seriously just don’t know what the fuck I want. And no one can help me. I’m scared only time will tell and when that decision is made, will it be the right one?

coupled roommates and why not to live with them

  1. They never want to go out with you, single roommate. They’re gonna wanna stay in and watch the show they started to watch together to bond. They’re also gonna tell you the same shit like, “I’ve matured past drinking out with my friends all the time” and “Me and ____ go to bed by 9 P.M now.”
  2. Maybe one of the partners in this couple will run around in their underwear singing from Youtube music videos demanding that you join in and start drinking before said football game, like what literally just happened as I was typing this up.
  3. They will want to set you up with all their single friends. This can either work in in your favor or will be a nightmare. Like if it ends up awkward with said single friend, but your roomies and that person are good friends and want to still have him/her over all the time and now your living situation is weird? yeah.
  4. They make sexually suggestive remarks to each other in front of you, so you sip on your coffee loudly so that they will interpret that as your blatant awkwardness.
  5. You catch one of them… or both of them naked at some points. That evening stroll to the bathroom that just so happens to be right next to their bedroom in that small-ass apartment. You catch a glimpse of someones something and in acceptance that that was going to happen at some point inevitably, you sigh and just go take your pee.
  6. They’re so wildly affectionate, possibly more affectionate than unusual because they know you’re watching. Who doesn’t like to be watched being in “the best relationship ever I’ve never felt this way about someone ever they’re my world, my rock, my life” kinda situations. We all enjoy gloating a little.
  7. Does it sound like I’m butt-hurt and jealous? LOL. Where’s that single friend though..
  8. Inside jokes. You won’t get them. You will have to just start fresh and invent them as you go. Just wiggle yourself into their own little movie/song referencing world.
  9. Truth is you shouldn’t live with them because would you want a roommate if you and your partner are wanting your privacy? The lovey-dovey, barf-tastic privacy…
  10. Just go find some single roommates to live with.

Vulnerability In Moving Your Life

Out of all the things I accounted for, for this move, being in a vulnerable state was not one of them. I guess I should’ve figured that going somewhere where I had only two friends, no social standing, no job, no apartment, and no significant other would put me in a place to feel pretty alone. I guess I was so hyped by the fact that it was such a fresh start with new people and new opportunities that my excitement would overcome any sense of sadness.

Truth is I met someone here that, in my vulnerable state, just felt myself grow a connection with out of thin air. I’m still not sure if that connection is true, but my heart feels sad because I feel vulnerable wanting to be around him. Wanting him to just fucking text me already. I’m looking for something that makes me feel like I’m not alone. I’m looking for attention from someone that I had back in Ohio almost constantly. No one knows me here and even though I like being alone there’s that strange sense of instability and sadness I’ve never felt before. I mean I used to gloat about how independent I was from other people.

Now that I find myself finally here in Colorado I’m starting to see a side of myself I’ve never seen. It’s kind of like I’m in a different kind of cruise control. Not one where I’m doing the same mundane tasks without even realizing it, but more that my mind is in this pit of anxiety but my body is producing so much fighting hormones to keep me sane. It’s kind of like I’m watching myself from the outside totally unravel while staying calm doing it.

I’m a problem-solver, independent in my deeper innermost thoughts and that’s why I come to this blog. No one knows me and I can try and work out my problems this way. How do I find peace. The only answer I have is time.

Vulnerability puts that sticky, bile-like, ball in your heart. The kind that can’t just be breathed away. You can either choose to be vulnerable and allow those feelings to dissipate or you can hide it in pride and watch it grow. Is that right? I just don’t want to be someone that let’s there emotions run crazy. I don’t want this person to think I’m crazy. Truth is, I know myself to be the one being chased and now I feel like I’m in for the chase. Have I mentioned I just met this person six days ago?

I know that this is stupid. I feel embarrassed for it! I feel silly. I used to scoff at people who do exactly what I’m doing. That’s why I’m holding it in. Cause I don’t know myself right now.

I do not know who I am right now.

Its like…ever since I got here I’ve been on this constant fight or flight pattern. Is this what being adult is supposed to be alike? Or is this what loneliness feels like? Lack of stability?

Or is it just anxiety.

My best friend always said I should see someone to talk about all of these kinds of things, but I don’t need another person to look at me like my mother did that one day I told her I wasn’t doing okay. Like I was dumb, over dramatic, and weak. I can do it myself.

I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.

 

Post-College Crisis

Has anyone ever felt so tense, so overwhelmed and so fucking confused after college?

I mean we have four years to figure out what the hell we want to, what kinds of skills we have and what kind of future we imagine for ourselves.  I’ve had almost four and half years to figure it out and my mind just goes blank whenever I ask myself that fucking question, “What am I going to do with my life?”. I know what I’m good at. I know what I like, but what career path will embody that or at least most of it?

Truth is, we weren’t made on this planet to fulfill an economic purpose. Our purpose is not to figure out what we’re good at just to make money at it and live a mediocre life. So what are we supposed to do when we know what we have to do from the reality of what it’s supposed to be like? You can’t fight the system…we all need money for basic survival.

I’m afraid writing isn’t something I want to do for a “grown-up” job even with a college degree in it. As you can probably tell I’m not that fucking good at it anyways. I love profanity and color and in this world, that doesn’t pay unless it’s on a social media account. And I cannot get on board with that.

I just want a full-time job. Where I can meet people, work with my hands, help people, problem-solve, and make good money.

Maybe I’ll never know my “purpose”. Maybe I don’t want one. Maybe it’s good I don’t have one. Maybe it makes me more free than I realized. I can do anything…

 

I can do anything…

the science of love

I’m sure you guys have heard of the term, “woke” in reference to anybody who sees the world in the realistic light that most of the world is too brainwashed to see. I mean what’s portrayed in the media is mostly what we chalk up as true information, but then there’s people out there who just know the fucking real deal. What this world really is and how it got here. How fucked we really are. Depressing right?

I remember when I had my first real ‘love’ and it was with another woman. I had dated men before, but never experienced this kind of connection that would fuck up my entire world. I hated myself for feeling so vulnerable over another human being. I guess I was so used to being in control of my emotions because boys never got to me. She ruined me and I ruined myself over how weak I was about it. You know that feeling of stupidity over how vulnerable you are? This was my first ever slap in the face with vulnerability being used against me. Ever since then I had this new, depressing, realist, ‘woke’ outlook on the concept of love and affection between two or more people. Most of you may disagree with this and my definition of ‘woke’, so let me just give this disclaimer:

I don’t give a fuck.

So, what if love is just like the fight or flight system we have made up in our bodies for survival? Yeah, think about that one. I mean, think about it. Our brains are so fucking smart. Sometimes our body has to take over for our own security. You remember all the fundamental needs of a human being we learned in psychology class years ago…what was it…Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. Thats right.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Brecon Beacons Hillwalking

 

Yeah, well you get it. We’re needy-ass people and right in the center is love and affection. It’s a basic ‘need’ for our survival.

Love is fun and releases good feels and chemicals, for sure, so why do I think it’s for suckers? Why do my thoughts acknowledge its poetic existence in our survival, but still feel like it’s a total scam? When I asked myself, “How can we be sure the Maslows Heirarchy of Needs is even true?” I thought about the people who go hold drug addicted babies so that they can survive…about how babies need the warmth or affection literally to survive. That blows my mind.

In the article,“How Important is Physical Contact With Your Infant?”

they say that just skin-to-skin contact can help “speed their development and recognition of self”. This section clears it all up for me,

What is happening in the body—of both parent and child—when there is skin-to-skin contact?
From the mother’s perspective, it probably releases oxytocin. On the behavioral level, if you have a baby that is more relaxed and sleeping better, that’s going to relax the mother more.

The newborn is coming out of a very restrictive environment, so anything that simulates that comforts them. Being touched or hearing a heartbeat is familiar because they heard it in the womb.”

So, it appears it’s more about the brain functions and how they react with the body’s sense of calm. If we learn as infants to feel calm by familiarity and safeness, is that what we carry on with us in the need for physical/emotional relationships with lovers? If the true reason our minds search for love is because it reminds us of a safe, happy, calm, serenity that we once needed at extreme, helpless levels as a baby…I get it.

That explains toxic relationship after toxic relationship. Like maybe how if you grew up in a home where there wasn’t a lot of love, you may grow up loving too much in compensation or possibly even shunting it out completely and hurting people like your parents hurt you. Our emotions dictate our whole lives and that’s really crazy to think about because I think I’m fucking crazy.

But my heart still feels it a sham…even though we need it and were taught on it. Maybe it’s the partner choices that I’ve made in my past.

So, what would Maslows Heirarchy of Needs be for a relationship with another human being?

if there are five levels starting from the bottom being the most dire, absolute needs…

the first layer would be…? Subjective? Or is this Objective?

Looky here,

Psychologytoday.com

has already posted their own heirarchy of needs for Marriage..

Marriage Survival Needs: You must be legally married (in the eyes of the State or Church), have a mutual agreement to be married, live in the same house or at least have regular contact with your spouse. You don’t have to love or even like your spouse to have a marriage in survival mode, you simply need to maintain your status as married.

Marriage Safety Needs: To feel safe with each other, you take care of and provide comfort to one another, create a home, have financial security, mutual trust, mutual honesty, protect one another physically, mentally and emotionally, and create an abuse-free environment within the marriage.

Marriage Love Needs: Mutual love is an obvious requirement to have a marriage that operates from this level. Kindness, compassion, companionship, intimacy, affection, sex (love-making) are also important factors here.

Marriage Esteem Needs: To reach this level, you need to have self-esteem and esteem of your spouse, mutual respect, honoring of commitments.

Marriage Actualization Needs: Because the lower needs have been met, one or both spouses can support each other to reach respective goals, each can sacrifice their own needs (to a healthy degree) for the bigger picture, they have maturity, they maintain a healthy balance in life, each feels a sense of fulfillment in life and they give back to the community.”

My question is, just because we’re older we need more than just a few snuggles regularly? Now we leveled up to Sex. We “NEED” sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but damn.  When did we become so high maintenance for this. Did people get sadder and we needed a lot more Oxycontin released to sustain in today’s living? Fuck, I believe it.

This is honestly wearing me out thinking so hard about this.

I think, from what I’ve collected..I proved myself wrong. Love is okay. Love, like yoga, is a coping mechanism for stress relief. It also boosts our ego and who doesn’t like a little extra flattery in their day to day, monotonous lives. We just gotta be careful. Know where we come from. Being self-aware of what we actually NEED from what society is telling us. Be true to ourselves. Don’t be scared to love, but know at the end of the day we only have ourselves. Our true, living, breathing, selves that will survive when we get heartbroken. I just wish we weren’t all so dependent on other people. I wish it wasn’t so natural, I’d like the extra independence without being “heartless”. I’d like to choose when my feelings get hurt. I’d like that control back, but I aint never going back to men.

Pussy power.

 

 

yours truly.