being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

I heard once that great things come from the most uncomfortable of situations and times

There’s a famous quote floating around somewhere kind of like the title of this post, but I learned it from my old coworker in a meeting he was giving.

The last few posts that I made (and deleted) was a very uncomfortable time. I’m just now coming out of it. I deleted them because I said a lot of hurtful things that aren’t worth remembering or sharing. I said a lot of hurtful things that, yes, I did need to just vent about and put it all out there, but it’s served it’s purpose and as someone who is always growing and evolving, those two posts needed to be left behind.

So, here I am starting a fresh new blog post about what’s come from those horrible few weeks of deep depression, anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion.

I was able to grow out of a cocoon of hatred and cynicism. I was able to feel what I was feeling…really notice it and take it all in. Express it whole-heartedly, not only through writing, but to Christina. To my partner whom of which, those posts themed. I was able to be the most awful part of myself…the most insecure, noncommittal, and flakey part of myself. The most raw honest about the true feelings in my soul. I got it all out and sat with it. I sat with all the pain that I had been holding in for such a long time. Since…high school. The battles I’ve been low key fighting with myself. I felt like I dealt with all of them at once. And when I mean dealt, I mean…I was seriously not myself. I was sitting around stewing, bitter, angry, expressive, explosive…I was a ticking time bomb, and man was that a mother of a goddamn mess.

I needed to feel all of that though. I needed to feel all of it so that I could see that part of myself. I feel like when I’m at my worst, I make the right decisions. Only because when I’m at my worst, I’m being selfish with my time, space, and heart. I give no fucks about anyone because I’m in survival mode. And even in that situation, I still knew that Christina and I were going to get through this. Coming from my worst, I think that shows a lot.

Do you ever feel this sharp ping of guilt and shame though when these kinds of things happen? Your ugly comes out? I felt so much of it that I slipped into a hatred with myself. I slipped into a very very vulnerable state where I just didn’t want to put up with myself anymore. I was tired of it. I was tired of trying to explain what I was feeling and doing things that were not right. I was tired of explaining why my shittiness was so shitty because of the shame. I feel like If I didn’t have plenty willpower, that I would’ve slipped into a pure hatred phase of fuck everyone, like an I don’t care how fucked up I am, I’m just going to be selfish and live my life selfishly kind of state. But I was able to bring myself out of that vanity and into the real world of compassion and growth. My own personal growth.

If you understand what I mean, you understand it can be just as easy as a switch. You flip it and you don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. You become destructive and reckless. Its the most selfish thing a person can do, but your mind plays tricks on you, making you think that this is you being your genuine self. That you’re invincible and unbreakable and your feelings unshakable. When really, you’re just stopping yourself from working on yourself and stopping yourself from having compassion and letting love into your life. Sometimes it can be so hard to flip that switch back up. I feel like I’ve known people who could never flip it back.

I am glad, I never flipped it. It allowed me to really construct what it is about myself that I need to work on more, for myself and for Christina.
SO MUCH that I told Christina to write a list of everything I do that either annoys her or she thinks is something I need to work on as a partner…one part of myself was regretting it, hearing her list some really good points…but then when she was done, I told myself, “Yeah, she’s right and Instead of feeling bad about, I’m going to do something about it”.

So, there’s supposedly five stages to love.
This site explains them pretty well: http://menalive.com/stages-of-love/

That third stage…
“No one told us about Stage 3 in understanding love and marriage. Stage 3 is where my first two marriages collapsed and for too many relationships this is the beginning of the end. This is a period where things begin to feel bad. It can occur slowly or can feel like a switch is flipped and everything goes wrong. Little things begin to bother us. We feel less loved and cared for. We feel trapped and want to escape.

We become more irritable and angry or hurt and withdrawn. We may stay busy at work or with the family, but the dissatisfactions mount. We wonder where the person we once loved has gone. We long for the love we once had, but we don’t know where it went or how to get it back. One or the other partner wants out or sometimes people go on “existing together,” but without really feeling intimate.”

“But we didn’t give up, we kept going. There’s an old adage, “When you’re going through hell, don’t stop.” This seems to be true of this stage of life. The positive side of Stage 3 is that the heat burns away a lot of our illusions about ourselves and our partner. We have an opportunity to become more loving and appreciate the person we are with, not the projections we had placed on them as our “ideal mate.” ”

I think this is part of what had happened in the last couple weeks along with my own bullshit.

Plus side, is that me and her are working through it and I’m more aware of whats going on in my brain and in my heard than it being the foggy mess that it was for all of October.

I have nothing more to say, than Thank fucking God that’s over.

What ifs…

Sometimes I like to play this game and sometimes it gives me horrible anxiety. Lately I’ve been playing it a little bit more often because I’m coming up on a very exciting and anxiety driven part of my life. A time for decision making and change. Huge changes.

In one month, my girlfriend and I have to decide whether or not we are extending our lease and staying in Colorado longer or putting in our notice so that we could leave for New York in Spring. The reason is because I am itching for a new adventure and she may land a job that she’s been wanting for a long long time. No matter what though, Her whole family lives there and would support us while we settle in, my parents are also very supportive and would help with the move. We would go into it with a clear mind and comforted hearts knowing we’d be taken care of and it would be an easy (as easy as it can be) transition.

So, what if we don’t leave? What if her court stuff keeps us so much longer that we have to extend the lease? What if she decides she doesn’t want to go anywhere for awhile? What if I’m not okay with doing that.

My passion is adventure and travel. This place has served it’s purpose in my life. My best friend that I moved here for is no longer my best friend. I am not longer interested in escaping to the mountains. Now, I want to see the city. The city of cities.

My gypsy itch is getting worse every month that slips by.

Its kind of exciting to think about the future and all the possibilities. There are so many.

I listened to this podcast called, “Unf*ck Your Brain” and in one of the episodes she talks about how to make decisions. She said that no decision is going to be the right one. No matter what decision you choose you will feel regret, wonder as to what would’ve happened if the decision was different, and, to a certain extent, sadness. No matter what you will have negative reactions to any decision you make. The key is to make the decision that will not hold you back. The one that will move your forward in life instead of holding you back. Something that will provide growth instead of making you stagnate. Which I guess is why this decision is so easy for me to make…I also don’t make much roots anywhere though.

For her though,

She’s been working in this company for 2 years trying to get to management, but the opportunity is most likely not there. Everyone is leaving the company. But she has court things she needs to finish up before she moves out of state and they pushed the trial date back. What if they push it back again.

What if she starts improving at her job when we already gave our notice…she wants to move then.

I feel like I would be crushed.

Is it fair, that she can change her mind like that when we’ve made hopeful promises to each other…all for a career choice? Or is that unfair for me to even ask. What trumps, a relationship or a career?

I’ve asked myself that question once before.
I’ve asked her that question before without even realizing it and she called me out on it. We talked about it months ago and we landed on “compromise”. whatever that would mean at the time, if that time happened.

When you are so young, still finding yourself, does a 1 year relationship matter as much as a career, or is it the opposite?

I’m at this weird point in my life where I’m still trying to figure out how to be appropriate for my age; How to maintain being young in spirit, but act as an adult; to know better, but also know when it’s okay to not know anything at all.

catching my feisty self in my poor habits

I heard once, somewhere I don’t remember, that the reason poor people stay poor is because they do not invest like rich people. They’re not aware of where or when to invest.

 

Another reason is that the poor have this theme of spending their money on stuff, so not to have even enough money to invest. I think the reason it based on environmental impacts growing up and the way we learned about money from our parents or guardians.

 

Me, specifically, I’m going to be honest. I think it’s because I’ve been spoiled and now that I’m broke, I’m starting to notice it’s life costs (puns ha-ha).

 

All growing up my parents were always there for me financially. They made me pay for things, definitely, but I was spoiled for the most part. Now that I’m older and living on my own in Colorado (one of the most expensive states) I’m starting to realize how freakin awesome I had it.

 

To begin with, my mother taught me through monkey-see-monkey-do, that I should stock up on anything I might need. Even if I had it already. Also she taught me how to eat very healthy, which is also a very expensive habit. So, when I began living on my own I did both of those things.

 

My dad told me to have fun with money. To give when you can to the homeless. To pay it forward. So, upon living on my own I’ve both had fun spending my hard-earned money on experiences and fun, while also giving a lot to others who need it because It makes me feel good and I was taught it’s the right thing to do.

 

I grew up learning that money was always obtainable. That is was always going to be there when emergencies arise because my dad was/is Air Force and he had a stable, supportive job. Best part was that I was on his health insurance.

 

So, now that I’m broke and shedding some light on what made my habits the way they are, I’m trying to change them.

 

So, lately, I’ve been waiting till the last possible moment to buy something I need like toothpaste or toilet paper. I’ve been kind of eating like shit compared to what I had been. I haven’t been going out like ever. I’m dependent on Steven for fun-costing things, which makes me sad cause I want to contribute. Bless his soul. But I still do give when I can, but instead of money its with whatever I have in my car (food, hand-warmers, water bottles) to give to the homeless.

 

I want to start controlling my habits so that I may save money, but also be able to spend some on the important things. Like wiping my ass and feeding myself.

 

Story time:

 

Last night I was awarded a 50 dollar visa gift card at my job for doing well. First thing I did was go to the thrift store and have some fun. I bought a wax burner for Steven’s apartment (10$). Then I went to the dollar store to pick up some dinner before I’d go to Stevens. I picked up noodles, a christmas tree topper, wax (for the burner), hot chocolate packets, and toothpaste (for Steven).

 

I got into my car and by the time I reached Steven’s I realized what I had done.

I looked into my bags and realized that I could have spent only 2 dollars and would have gotten everything I actually needed. I realized that I couldn’t help myself buying all those things because I had the money to finally splurge.

 

What I realized most was that, that is why I’m so fucking poor.

 

I keep spending money on THINGS because I’ve been so broke that when I have money I don’t know what to do with it, when I don’t have bills. I just end up losing it and wondering where the hell it went. It’s like I’m money binging and then regretting it later, puking up conditioned consumerism.

 

I realized then that I need to be aware of what I’m purchasing when I’m about to purchase it.

I need to ask myself some important questions. This is what I’ve came up with…

 

  1. Why am I buying this?
  2. Will I actually use this, and will I use it everyday?
  3. Will I live if I don’t have this? (for my dramatic side of reason).

 

Have any of you ever felt actually enlightened to not have much?

 

Any minimalists out there?

 

I’ve tried minimalism and it was very liberating. I felt like I didn’t need much and in return felt rich.

I’ve obviously strayed from those ideals, considering my situation. I have more clothes, I have more furniture, I love decorations again….

 

I’m thinking I need to get back in that mindset again. Not as extreme. I need to be a minimalist with my money. Cut down on costs I don’t need to be spending.

 

I work better when I write things down. You already know.

 

I want to reference this wonderful webpage I just found on the minimalist ways of spending less:

http://simplicityrelished.com/5-minimalist-secrets-saving-money/

 

This is what Daisy had to say:

 

“5 Minimalist Secrets to Saving Money

Secret #1: I am not defined by what I own (or wear, eat, live in or drive).

Money is often spent, unnecessarily, on building an image. Whether it is clothing, cars, gadgets or even food, maintaining an image can be extremely expensive. Looking closely at how we spend money on things just to exude a certain lifestyle is one way to start cutting costs and saving. Just because everyone at work buys a giant latte before work does not mean you have to, as well. When I’m done with procuring my own image and fitting in, I’ll start being able to put my time and resources towards the things that matter to me more.

Secret #2: Ask not where the greatest deal is, but where the greatest need is.

So many shops have us hooked on the idea that snagging a great deal is the same as saving money. It’s not. Every so often, an excellent store offer will provide multiple items that you actually need. But usually it’s more about making you feel that you got the long end of the stick- for once! In the end, however, more money is usually saved by simply purchasing what is needed. Nothing more.

Secret #3: Minimalism keeps my personal values always in my mind.

Once minimalism seeps into multiple areas of my life, I am much more focused on what I truly desire, envision, worship and love. My biggest life priorities are constantly on my mind, where they ought to be. I rarely do something without knowing why I’m doing it. Whether I am getting ready in ten minutes, traveling to a new destination, or spending time outdoors, minimalism helps me live intentionally. And thus, I spend money intentionally, not accidentally.

Secret #4: Minimalism is the enemy of clutter and busy-ness.

The commitment to not accruing lots of stuff is at the core of minimalism. And the secret to avoiding stuff? Purchasing only what is needed, only occasionally in bulk, and only in the most efficient way. Promotions that offer a prize for spending $50 at a shop rarely entice me anymore. I hardly ever “buy one get one free” unless I need both packages of the same thing. I do not replace an item until it has completely worn out; not simply gone out of style. In the quest for owning less and living more, we become less susceptible to unintentional accumulations and impulse purchases. (7 reasons we buy things we don’t need)

Secret #5: Minimalism reminds me that contentment can never be bought, sold, or stolen.

Though we might know this to be true, it is so difficult to live out. This is one of the toughest truths that I have learned recently. When we make purchases, we often justify them by the “happy points” that they merit. How many time have I said, If I just had this, then I would be so much better off.? But, if you’ve spent some time trying to acquire one more thing to bring contentment, you may have found– like I did– that it doesn’t work. Contentment is not on the shelves at Target or in our virtual online shopping carts. Contentment is somewhere in those things that matter most deeply to us: friends, faith, passion, community, adventure… the things that have no price tag at all.

The bottom-line is, saving money in a significant way has to come from the heart. Our consumer-driven economy does not make it easy to refrain from making one purchase after another. Our culture of material goods does not make it easy to appear uncool or outdated. But if there is something worth saving your hard-earned cash for— and there usually is– then perhaps the change of heart will be worthwhile. “

 

Happy Holidays, lol.

Good luck saving, my blogsters.

 

playing chess with my psyche

If you’ve ever played chess by yourself you know that it’s pretty impossible. You can try and make the most logical and the most strategic moves for both opposing sides, but you cannot help wagering one side over the other. I ended up with the same pieces on both sides because every “best” decision I felt was made on one side, I couldn’t help but think was the “best” for the other one.

Trying to identify my issues with anxiety is kind of the same in that I don’t know if my own brain can study itself. Can the brain do that? Can our own brains clearly identify the psychological issues that we have or is that why we have therapists? Can we play a two player game with only one person?

The other night I watched this Facebook video of comedian Tim Wilson at his graduation making a speech. He gave nine rules to live by and one of them about happiness stuck out to me more than the others. I don’t remember it exactly, but it’s something like “Happiness is like an orgasm, if you force it, it will go away.” The whole crowd burst into laughter including the old man next to him, what was probably the funniest part, but I couldn’t help, but to pause the video and really think about it.

Lately I’ve been dealing with more anxiety than unusual from financial issues and this transition into a new job. The more I look at my behavior during this time I started to notice I was doing exactly what Wilson said not to do. Forcing happiness.

My anxiety can be pretty gruesome in that it kills every kind of good mood I can muster up. I’ve been suppressing it because I just don’t want to delve into that downward spiral I know I’m capable of in just a matter of hours into my breakdown. So, I’ve been hanging up gratitude lists in my room. I’ve been writing positive goal sheets and hanging those in my room too…I’ve been filling my room with positive energy.

You’re probably thinking, “Well, those aren’t necessarily bad things to do.” I mean we all know thought that every persons anxiety is different and with that coping mechanisms are just like how people are with grieving.

I was forcing happiness when I needed to be just letting myself feel how I needed to feel in that moment. Owning my anxiety. Feeling it. Discovering how it works and instead of being mean to it.

Tim Wilson made me realize that I need to be more compassionate with my anxiety so that happiness doesn’t come forced, but welcomed.

I plan to be compassionate by studying it. When it arises I want to understand why it’s there. I want to understand how it makes me feel in my body and in my mind that way I can figure out how to make myself feel better. And I also need to stop shaming myself for it.

I definitely don’t put my anxiety to shame for last Monday.  It had been the most anxiety-filled day I have had since I moved to this new state. I had gotten my first paycheck from the dog walking company I work with and it was 200 dollars less than what I expected. Being broke already I started to flip because I didn’t think this next paycheck would be as I expected as well, and I wouldn’t be able to pay my first months rent.

So, wanna know what my anxiety did?

It forced me to sit in my car for 20 minutes crying. Then, it forced me to make some calls. I called places I applied. I called the waitress job I was supposed to train for, but not for a couple weeks, and ask them if I could start earlier and if they wouldn’t let me I’d have to look elsewhere for an immediate waitress job. They wouldn’t let me. So, I called other places.

But there was this feeling in my gut. In my heart, that I didn’t want to do this. I knew that I didn’t want this kind of life for myself. Working two jobs and one of them in the fucking food industry.

I finally went home and got on my laptop to see the e-mail I had gotten from Linked-In from a woman that was interested in giving me a job as an administrative assistant. I had already e-mailed her, but she never got back to me. Then I noticed a phone number.

I called them and right then and there we set up a Skype interview which then led to an in-person interview. Which then led to this job that I’m about to start on Monday that pays six dollars more than the job I have now. And it’s full-time. And This means…no second job. This means…no walking dogs in the Colorado winter. It means I can dress nice (which I love). It means life will be a million times easier than it is now.

All because of anxiety. I went into fight or flight. It was like me and my anxiety were tagging each other in and out of the biggest boxing match in history.

So, sometimes my anxiety works in my favor even though it fucking sucks still.

Even though these great things happen in result of my anxiety it doesn’t stop me from wanting it to stop.

In chess there are always answers. I am a problem solver. I am Kate Hudson from Bride Wars. I am strong and I am a fighter. And if something isn’t right I will fix it. I want to find those answers and I want to find them fast. I want to win. And if I lose sometimes that’s okay, but I’m here to win.

And I refuse to cheat my anxiety anymore.

So, anxiety I pledge to you that I will no longer avoid you. I will no longer ignore you. I will greet you with compassionate arms and I will coddle you till I make you all better again. I will study what makes you, you.

As they say in war: “be close with your friends, and closer with your enemies”

(:<

advice to writers who face the horrid guilt of wanting to write, but not finding the “right” time

I used to put myself through these spurts of not writing because I’d claim to myself that I didnt have the time or that I needed the right place and time to do it. Id feel this sadness because my mind was tricking me into putting my heart to the side out of “convienance”. 

Truth is the mind is a fickle bitch. It’s trying to tell you to watch that next episode of One Tree Hill or answer that text message instead of doing what actually serves you. 

I’ve developed a way to conquer this!!

Its easy. Go to work early. Go to that kickboxing class early. Go about 15-30 minutes early.  If youre a music junkie like me then make sure you have some chill tunes to listen to while sitting in your car. 

Next pull out that book you’ve been trying to read. Pull up your blog app and write. Write a gratitude list in your journal. Do something that serves your soul and watch…your shift at work will feel good because you have accomplished something that feeds your creativity for that day. 

I mean we all know the guilt of not writing or reading like we truly want to, but we all also know the incredible sense of satisfaction and joy we get from actually doing something we’ve been wanting to do. Getting those few extra chapters in or writing ideas down for a next post. It feels good doesn’t it? 

So,  remember the next time Netflix asks you if you’re still watching your show…is this episode worth the 45 minutes I could be doing something more fruitful? (this is a battle for me still, FYI).  Sometimes I think to myself, ” do I want to watch people live their lives or do I actually want to live my own right now?”  It helps ya know.

I just feel like we all get lost sometimes. In everyday comforts and expectations that we can sometimes lose ourselves and have a hard time getting out. This isn’t supposed to be a Netflix Anonymous meeting, but for those who struggle to get away from the media and distractions. 

“Hi, my names Cortney and Im addicted to Netflix and distractions that can take away from what I truly love. I have a problem, I know.”

So, give it a try. Next time, force yourself to sit in your car and do a little something with your brain that makes your juices…well, juice. Juice them juices. Ew. Okay im done. 

Just make sure to find that time. Would it ever dissapoint you? How could it! Every little bit counts.

I hope this helps someone like its helped me over the past few years. 

jumping home to home and how I just need to live the fuck alone

I don’t know if any of you have ever understood what it’s like being a military dependent. Leaving your friends every few years because your guardian has a new job in a whole other state or country. The only friend that stuck was Hannah. We’ve been best friends since the 8th grade and we’ve only lived in the same place together for 2 years until now. Which means we haven’t been consistently, physically in each others lives for seven years. The only contact we have had was phone calls and occasional visits.

So, now that we’re under the same roof I’ve started to notice some things that I never noticed before. Her and I have grown so much since freshman year in high school, when we were joined at the hip. Now she’s a nurse, engaged, and has all these strong opinions and viewpoints that sometimes we disagree on. So, now we agree to disagree on things like religion, politics, women’s rights…our fucking president. Sometimes I just don’t want to bring up anything controversial because she’s so opinionated, stubborn, and mildly arrogant that I just don’t think it’s worth it.

It’s interesting our bond that we have because we are so vastly different and it’s almost like we hadn’t really noticed this till now while living together. We’ve always known our differences from the top layers i.e personality, personal styles, attitudes, sociability, and even our taste in people we date.  The only thing we have in common is that we love each other so much.

So now that we’re both 23 and living under the same roof not having sleepovers or gossiping about the latest school dramas. We talk about the real shit. I don’t think our 13 year-old-selves were prepared for this kind of drastic change.

I guess my point here is that you don’t truly know someone till you live with them. This is a whole other world of Hannah that I’m just getting to know. We’re getting to know the little things about each other, our habits, our lifestyles, and even our eating habits. We’re picking apart our irritations with one another while we’re at it too.

Although the love for my best friend will never change, a question looms in the air above me about all of mankind. Do we all go through this with someone we’re living with and just learn to accept it or does it really take the right person to live with?

I’ve decided to move out sooner rather than later because I’ve gotten enough hints about how Hannah misses her privacy with her fiance. I’ve gotten enough hints about how the apartment should be cleaned (though she never can pick up her dishes or her trash, but I don’t say shit). I want to leave somewhere where I can come home and NOT be a fucking inconvenience.

Two months ago I got kicked out of my parents house because they didn’t like who I was hanging out with and it turned into a whole fight with a lot of miscommunication. Then I moved to my friend Sydney’s for two weeks, which was way too small. It was a one bedroom and already another person was living there with her on her couch. So, then I went to Jamie’s. Which was awkward because Jamie never stopped crying about me leaving, which felt uncomfortable and depressed me. And then finally I moved here to Colorado and I’m an inconvenience again, living with a couple.

So, here’s my next choice.

The boy I’ve been dating offered up his apartment for me to stay at and pay half his rent. He’d be gone at his job all the time and the apartment would pretty much be empty. Especially with the holidays coming up, he’d work 6 days a week.  This sounded super appealing to me because paying 600 dollars a month and with a boy I’m really interested in. I would be around him all the time…ugh. I’d love it. But I also don’t want to ruin our fucking relationship because I can’t be a grown up and get my own fucking place. I’m not going to just dump my life on him. I don’t want him to resent me!!

So…This is my plan, folks.

To be independent as fuck. I’m tired of relying on people. I’m tired of walking of eggshells!!!! I want my own bed!!! I want my own bedROOM! I’m tired of living on a couch and a blow up mattress that’s in a tent ON A PORCH. I’m ready to make the leap into adulthood.

*cues applause*

thank you, thank you.

Just remember friends, we are completely in control of our lives (well, most of the time). Let’s act like it! I will not tolerate being another inconvenience. No no no, sir.

 

fuck yah.

wish me luck.