COVID Cruise Control : a rant

I can’t be the only one feeling this way. Like I’m not totally ‘here’, ‘present’, ‘with it’….

I just float through my days without even realizing that they happened, but when I do snap into reality from time to time, I’m anxious. It’s kind of like a coping mechanism I suppose, like my body took over my brain and fogged my thoughts just so I can make it through; getting me to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, but everything else is muted.

I’ve also lost a filter (like totally out the window). For example, I just don’t care how my ‘tone’ sounds to my coworkers (even to Donna, the most sensitive co-worker in the world). If they think I’m being short via e-mail because I just don’t care to add that exclamation point or emoji, I just don’t care. I’m not sugaring for fluffing anything, I’m just being direct (which I kind of like), but I’m also not sure anyone notices because they’re all on edge.

My whole job is just a tense, like… a gross sore (first analogy that came to my mind, ew). It’s just red, and gross, and on the verge of bursting (ew ew ew). Once it does, where will I be?

The uncertainty is the worst part. I’m sure most people hate uncertainty though. Part of me wishes my job was over because at least at that point, I would just know. But I’m trying to steer away from that kind of thinking considering I have bills to pay and need all the positive ‘vibes’ out into the universe as I can muster.

Trust me, I’m thankful I’m employed. I’m in staffing, so I see unemployment every day even without everything that is going on. But sometimes it excites me, the opportunity of being unemployed and having the time to invest into other opportunities. I mean we’re all not just our job right? We have other desires, goals, and dreams that aren’t derived from where we get our paychecks. What if my job ended, and I found one that was both a desire and a paycheck.

I’ve always thought about working with animals on a more serious level. Not a vet…no, but shelters. Maybe in project management, fundraising, event coordination to boost the amount of adoptions. Doing research into better care plans, and other processes.

…Bringing it back, I hope everyone is okay.

Hold on to the ones you love a little tighter and hope for the best.

 

 

Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty  much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

in a pickle

you know the softball phrase…When you’re stuck in between bases because the person with the ball has the power to throw at both bases equally, causing you to risk jumping for one base over another.

That’s what I’m in, metaphorically.

I’m falling for this girl, Amy, and her friend, Christina, is my ex-girlfriend. Christina says that if me and Amy pursue something that she’d never be friends with either one of us. Personally, I don’t care about our friendship because she’s selfish and annoying, but the girl I like does value that friendship. We’re in a pickle. Except I’m not the one playing the game, I’m on the sidelines rooting Amy on while Christina has the ball to pitch. No matter which way Amy runs there is risk to lose with me or Christina. Another sport phrase, ball is completely in her court.

“Where do we go from here?”  I said (Kind of alluding for her to share her thoughts on the decision she is going to have to make)

“I’ve got plenty of time to think on this plane, but anyway enjoy your Friday, I’ll see you later.”

I broke down. I’m trying to remain positive and optimistic that based on the feelings Amy and I have accumulated that, that would be enough, but I also don’t want to make her resentful towards me with leaving a friend behind FOR me. It’s seriously a pickle.

Advice that I have gotten from a few different people varied. One person said to walk away until it’s the right “time”.  For those of you who know your heart like I know mine, I know that it would just break it. I’m falling for this girl. If I pulled back, I feel like I would have to turn off my switch and be cold, to suppress my feelings. I hate that. I used to do that for a long time in previous relationships and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.

 

I’m in too deep.

The Art Of Living: and making a shit ton of mistakes along the way

I don’t think I really acknowledge the title of my blog in accordance with my real, day-to-day life, and give myself as much compassion as I do my writing. I make a lot of mistakes in my life. I write effortlessly in this blog about them, without even thinking before I type, but in life I beat myself up on every single word I say. I think that’s why I value this medium of self-expression so much because it’s so forgiving and every one of you that follow me, are loyal to the word vomiting of my heart and soul. Well, unless you accidentally followed me and don’t actually read my posts, and maybe forgot to unfollow? Who knows, who cares! I’m grateful to have this sanctuary.

I’ve sought out therapy, for the first time in my life. For the first time, I am making the effort into figuring out everything inside my brain instead of only relying on the interpretations I put into these blog posts. There’s only so much you can write out, to cope, until you have to find some…objective? answers. Answers I’m not just giving myself. I think I’ve always thought I could figure it out myself. That I am independent and that I didn’t need anyone’s help. But the more I write on this blog and understand how I can live a double life, I understand I’m not applying any of the written self-reflections in my day-to-day life like I’d hope. That I’ve become so comfortable with this sanctuary that I haven’t really found one in the life that I live off this computer.

I’d like to hope I’m getting into the next chapter of my life. Not because I started therapy, but because I’m finally at the point of asking for help and learning to be more dependent. I’m learning how to build roots and not just with a place, like signing a year lease at this apartment, but with myself. Trusting myself to stay and work on things instead of just running away. Trust. A huge word for myself since I’ve always been able to give it to other people, but not to my heart.

The next chapter…when I say it out loud, it sounds like such a made-up thing to get us excited for something new. Like it’s supposed to derive some extra excitement out of life to think that you are getting a “new, fresh start” or something to that nature. I’ll take it. It’s one conditioned aspect of life I will gladly keep in my life.

When I broke up with Christina 3 months ago, I went on a walk with my best friend, Amy shortly after. I said, “Amy, I feel like something really great is just around the corner. Like I’m turning a page into the next chapter of my life…” Boy, was I right. It’s like whenever I give myself the chance to feel like I have a fresh, new start, I start making those fresh, new decisions that are positive and impactful in my life. Like quitting that horrible job and staying true to the break up. So, if going to therapy is me saying I’m going into the next chapter, I welcome all the positive decisions that I make in accordance with the saying. I welcome all the positive energy from just saying it out loud.

And I welcome all the trust in myself to do what I need to do.

All of the compassion to say what I need to say, out loud.

 

having the lowest of expectations: sad or the smartest tool for basic human survival?

I know this kind of sounds depressing, sad, and hopeless, but I think it’s been one of the most soothing mantras for myself lately, “don’t expect anything”. The idea came to my head two weekends ago. I hosted a big party at my house, a huge lesbian fiesta filled with margaritas and board games. Everyone was immersed in conversation and the music was really on point. My friend, Sydney, sat down beside me. We don’t talk too much, in fact, I wouldn’t say we are very close. But I think she’s an amazing person. She referred to a piece of poetry by Courtney Peppernell that I have taped up to my mirror in the bathroom. I forgot to take it down.

I like looking at it when i’m brushing my teeth in the morning. I can’t remember verbatim, but it kind of goes like…Happiness is something that you work on. Build it up so much that people see it in your walk. When you hug someone, they feel it in your embrace. Build it up so much so that you have an entire empire. Something to that nature. Sorry, Courtney. I’m working on it.

Well, anyways when Sydney sat down beside me she complimented the piece of poetry. Then she shared with me that having no expectations for anything is the key to being happy. I asked her about her relationship and if she had any expectations for it? She said no. It’s as if she was trying to answer a question that she assumed I was asking myself, like maybe I was thinking the answer is the poetry on my mirror.

Ever since then though I took her advice and have been trying to have lower expectations for everything. For having fun when I go out, to expecting to have a good day at work, to expecting Amy to show affection or emotional reassurance my way on the reg, to expecting my interviews to show up at work, to basically expecting any situation to be a certain way or people to react a certain way.

I think I’ve noticed the most results in reference to Amy. She is on the scale of Autism and doesn’t know how to communication certain things or express how she feels most of the time. She has a difficulty with commitment, and releasing control in certain scenarios. At first, I would get frustrated because I would say something very sweet or affectionate and i wouldn’t get the kind of response that I had hoped for. This would happen all the time to the point where I felt like she didn’t feel the same way. Obviously I knew that she had certain struggles with that side of herself, but I wasn’t getting what I needed and that kind of took over? If that makes sense. My insecurities took over what I knew about Amy. I just let myself get cloudy for a minute.

Since that moment of realization that I was asking for things that couldn’t be given, or at least right away, i took what Sydney said into effect. In turn I feel like it helped me realize that I can’t expect ANYONE to fulfill my needs. I am the person for that. That, if something was meant to be, it’s meant to be. If Amy is able to open up to me eventually with time and patience and it works out, that’s wonderful. If not, that is perfectly fine.

Obviously, I’m human and have slip ups where I really would like signs of interest or maybe just platonic signs of affection. I have to tell myself though that lower expectations in everything make me more at peace. It brings me a sense of….well, that I am strong and that I cannot be disappointed.

I think I’ve been so used to putting forth so much effort to build relationships, maintain them, be successful, prove myself, making myself better faster than I normally should be, etc; Just expecting all these RESULTS. And expectations weren’t meeting up with reality so I was constantly being disappointed. By friends, my work, or in dating.

I think Sydney really taught me something that night.