being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

It Doesn’t Take Long To Change Your Life

One month and 5 days ago I broke up with my long term girlfriend. Since then I’ve embarked on the journey of finding myself again and learning to not only be alone, but live alone too and for the first time. It started off rough…I was lonely on Saturday nights when I saw my long distance best friend going out, on her snap story. I would cry and think of what to do with myself. I would want to go out to a bar by myself, but would end up feeling anxious and deciding to stay home. I had a hard time finding a routine. I was having a hard time not being distracted from myself like I had been for years.

One month and 5 days later, I’ve come a long way. Now, I know how to spend the longest of days by myself. Entertain myself, but also sit with myself in silence. I like doing things now like laying in bed before bed just listening to music. I like sipping my coffee in my new chair, to absolutely no distractions. I like my mindful showers and car rides of talking to myself. I am enjoying my solitude.

Not only have I just started learning who I am alone, I am able to really unwind my mind to determine what things in my life need to stay and what needed to go. It doesn’t come all at once either, but bit by bit. Certain friends and expectations were left behind. Certain routines I had were left behind. One very important thing, my job. I’m still sitting here working, but I hope to hear from my new potential boss today, If I got the new job.

I’ve been able to refresh my entire life without leaving it all behind to move to a new place, like I’m generally used to. I extended my lease even, by a year. I painted a wall in my apartment *gasp, I know!* Even my friends were surprised I decided to stay…which honestly made me feel a little bad. I do move on pretty quickly, but it’s because I know what I have to do. I think my gut knows though that there are too many unresolved things here to just leave.

So, if you’ve been following my blog for a while you know that my job is a suck fest. You are constantly putting out fires and it’s a revolving door. For a recruiter, that’s the worst kind of recruitment. Another thing too is that all my work friends are changing jobs and leaving me. It’s a very negative culture, hence the turnover.

I had the most amazing opportunity to interview with a company that is the polar opposite. They’re downtown, in the heat of the city, they’re modern, progressive, innovative, and the culture is remarkable. It even pays more. The most important thing is that there’s so much opportunity to advance and make a difference. It’s basically my dream job at this point in my life. I should hear some feedback today. I’m anxiously waiting.

If I get this job, I would have detoxed my life from all the negativity and toxic relationships that I have established. Removing a toxic relationship and a bad work environment alters literally every part of my life, professional and personal. It would be such a huge difference.

I’m so ready to leave this place. I’m ready to put everything behind me and move forward with so much more positive energy. I’m ready to step into the next chapter of my life and see where it takes me.

Running with how my intuition feels, I feel like I got the job. I feel like I have the qualifications and the references to get me there. Most of all I feel like I have the personality. I would fit the culture. I know I can do this job and it excites me to even think about it.

Cross your toes for me…

New things are comin

January 1st, 2019 : A reflection

Like everyone else, I can’t help but look back at my year and think about how much I’ve changed. How much my life has changed. Where I’m at now and what progress I’ve made.

For starters I am in my longest relationship that I’ve ever had.

I am renting my very first apartment.

I built my credit up from shit to great.

I learned how to recruit and got a full-time, permanent position doing so.

I learned I prefer to be completely, and utterly myself with no apologies.

I have decided that next year (July, 2019) I will be moving to New York.

I adopted two very lovable, precious kitties as part of the family.

I have built up a very strong support system of incredible women.

Life just feels really good, like I’m on track *knock on wood*.
This morning I was just so overwhelmed with love for Christina and how far we’ve come. From that horrible month of October where we pretty much ignored each other, bickered, and cried, to now, feeling secure, supported, and completely in-love with each other. In February it will be a year. It’s a huge accomplishment for me, personally.

Renting this apartment…where I can’t be kicked out, yelled at, and have full agency over… I can never go back. I love having this space where I can come home and not feel like a fucking burden for once. Where I can walk around fucking naked and no one eats the food in the fridge (well, except Christina, but I love her). It just feels great to feel independent, and with Christina.

My credit used to be such shit from maxing out my credit cards from moving and jumping from one temp, contract job to another. Now, they’re completely paid off and I’m actually putting money into my savings account! I have this plan of having a good savings before we move. I actually feel like I can do it! It’s liberating. I also have a fancy 401K. look at me (;

Now that I’m recruiting full-time and permanently, I feel pretty secure. From time to time, I do feel insecure since the turnover here is garbage, but if I left, the other recruiters would be screwed. They kinda need me right now. But it feels good to have a secure job with a reliable pay that allows me to save. I remember in January I just started a job where i was making 320 a week (with taxes taken out). I had to pay $500 in rent and on top of my other bills of like $300 dollars…*computing with horrible math skills* I only had $120 a week to take home for groceries, gas, and savings. Like nothing. On top of that I was living with random roommates that were unbearable.

Learning to be myself, is still something I struggle with, but this past year I feel like I’ve overcome a lot of the worst hurdles of doing so. I learned what felt true to my sexuality. I learned what felt true to my physical expression (outgoing vs. reserved, introverted vs. extroversion, fem vs. masc). I learned that when I just observe and not control my actions, I can learn more about myself than trying to manipulate myself to be a certain way. Taking those observations seriously, I was taking myself seriously. I am still growing though.

The list goes on…

In 2019 I hope to learn even more.

I hope to have this job till at least July, which would be my first professional job lasting an entire year.

I hope to still be with Christina by this time next year, being almost 2 years together.

I hope to be in New York, working a different recruitment position in NYC with a lot more upward mobility and excitement.

I hope to be living in a comfortable one-bedroom apartment in Christina’s home town where we are taking over her brothers lease. I hope that the apartment is furnished and feels like home when we walk in everyday after work.

I hope that I will be so deep into my financial goals and still working on them hard core.

I hope that we build a new support system in New York that makes us feel closer.

I hope for the best kinds of change possible, and when the worst come we can work through them and still be as strong as we are now.

Turning Life Stressors Simpler

Two things seems to set me straight. Thinking simply and thinking gratefully. I have to remind myself sometimes that life doesn’t need to be so difficult. You don’t need so many things and so much money to be happy. Life really is pretty simple. You just need to live. Whether it be on a literal sense of keeping yourself alive with the essentials ie., food, water, shelter, etc; or through your passion of maybe writing. Just live and live happily, right? Thinking that no one is going to pay attention really to the clothes on your back or really care if you’re wearing makeup or how you look to the outside world altogether.

You can just be yourself because people only really care about themselves, right? When someone is looking at you and thinking a certain thing, it may be because they’re comparing you to themselves. Which just turns into an ego thing. As humans we can’t really help it because it’s the culture we were brought up in (social medias ya know), but it should give a peace of mind that we are only really paying attention to ourselves and that we should just BE ourselves. For me, thinking that way allows me to therefor focus on what I want and what I love and desire. It makes things a whole of a lot simpler living on the terms of you.

As far as my gratitudes go lately, I want to list them for myself:

 

  1. Christina, my girlfriend. The one person on the planet I can talk to about absolutely anything. We feel so comfortable around each other and there’s so much stability in our relationship. We both acknowledge our faults and admiration of each other, but most of all our commitment. The stability makes me feel free. If that makes sense. lol
  2. I am leasing a home in 2 months. A space completely of my own (and my girlfriends), but no unwanted roommates, no worry of being kicked out, I can walk around wearing whatever I want (nakey), no one eats my food, there’s no evil dog that attacks me when I need to go to the bathroom, and I have full agency to decorate and put my things anywhere. Freedom and privacy. Ahhh. Yes.
  3. That I left my old job working 60 hours, getting paid 320$ a week, getting manipulated by my boss, and overworking my relationships with Christina by working together. (I was the recruiter and she is a Sales Leader) It has since made me realize my worth and my abilities to do better as well as create a healthier relationship between Chris and I. Also every time I hear my ex-boss being unethical and shitty, it further confirms my decision. Every time I think of waking up in the morning not dreading my job refreshes my soul. I am a happier me and I’m getting back to my old self before the cult-like business drowned me in cheesy one-liners and over communication. I still fully support my girlfriend pursuing her dream staying there as she’s gonna over rule the shitty boss and make the business great again. I believe that. She love the day-to-day, and I do not. And that’s okay.
  4. The temporary job I have now that pays me two times more than my last job, for less amount of work. Sure it’s only for 3 weeks, but it pays so much I can save enough money for bills for TWO months just in case the job situation is a little more tricky than anticipated. If I do get that job right after as well, it allows me a whole month to save and pay off my credit card. So, actual income. lol.
  5. I’VE FOUND MYSELF AGAIN. Working 6 months in a company that pretty much makes you work 6 days a week and 10 hours a day, it took up a lot of my personal time. The time I initially thought would be allotted toward writing, hiking, and exploring. All the things that made me, me. So, I lost myself. I thought it was okay that I was changing so much because the business was pretty big on personal development and I wanted to be a better worker and a better person. Which, I did learn a lot about myself on both levels, but I ended up losing myself along the way as well. If that makes any sense. Like…I forgot about my blog. I forgot about how much I loved the smell of fresh air when I used to go for walks and hikes. I forgot how much I needed yoga in my life. I forgot what the separation of work and home felt like. I forgot that I do not owe my work 100% of myself and that I need to give a healthy balance to my relationships as well. I forgot that I was not a robot. Since then I have not worn a suit or stayed past my regular 8 hours at my current temporary job. I started planning trips to travel with Christina and started regularly taking care of myself. I started writing again. & It feels great. (:

 

One really important quote I learned since quitting my job and finding a new place to live…that’s helped me with the uncertainty of the future and starting fresh…

(I do not remember the exact quote or who said it lol)

There are two kinds of anxiety; fear and excitement. It’s your mindset that chooses which one you choose to allow into your life.

I choose excitement every day.

 

 

 

A List of Everything In The World That Brings Out The Worst In Myself: Without Shame And Judgement.

I watched a video of Russel Brand talking about his new book. He said to make a list of everything in life that made you who you are in the worst of ways so that you can understand yourself and your habits.

Lately I’ve been struggling with the thought of my lack of commitment in work, relationships and my living situations. I feel that today, the first day I’ve had completely to myself and free of responsibilities, suited as the best day to do this.

Come face to face with what cards I’ve been dealt as well as my mistakes that have changed me into the person I am today.

Disclaimer: this list could be very fucking long.

   RELATIONSHIPS

  1. My parents and I couldn’t openly talk about my anxiety making me feel shameful for having it and thus feeling bad for expressing it. My mom looked at me like I was being dramatic when I told her I was having issues with anxiety. She didn’t believe me which always, no matter what, altered my thought process in anxiety. Feeling like I have to prove to people that anxiety is real. Feeling like no one believes me. Feeling insecure of what people think about me and my anxiety.
  2. My first love. The first woman I had true, deep feelings for and she was very manipulative with how I should express myself emotionally, physically, and even sexually. I was controlled in all aspects. I was so deep in love that I couldn’t find the red flags and If I noticed one, I would ignore it. She told me what to wear, what to say, how to say it, and everything in between. The only thing I can say I am grateful of was her persistence in making me as communicative as possible, even if she tortured me for telling the truth through reprimands of passive aggressive comments, telling others, and silent treatment. I’m flawed and have had a past that she couldn’t understand was just in my past.
  3.  I was sexually abused, mentally. I was told that my sexual reactions were bad just because I couldn’t relax enough to orgasm. So much that it takes more time for me to relax with someone when it comes to sex because of my past judgements. I feel insecure with sex, but override it with external confidence because I refuse to stoop back to my old self. I guess that’s my way of working through it.
  4. That first love had unresolved feelings for another girl and had a running track record for being promiscuous. I had never felt that level of anxiety and jealously in my life. I associated those feelings with love and in turn makes me fearful no matter what the facts were. No matter how many times people told me I did nothing wrong and that she was a bad person.
  5. I cheated on Steven. I did this because I didn’t care and because I wanted her so bad. I can’t quite understand why I don’t feel shameful for it. I should feel shame for being unfaithful. I should feel shame for lying to him when he asked if there was someone else. I should feel shame for lying about why we couldn’t be together. BUT I DON’T.  I cannot tell if it’s because I’m inherently selfish or because I knew it truly wasn’t meant to be and I knew it deep down. That I didn’t feel ashamed for making the decision that was going to push me to break up with him. That I needed that push.
  6.  I’m scared all relationships ultimately come to an end and if they don’t for some couples it’s because they’re forcing it out of comfortability and promises that they feel too bad to break

 

I think I’ve come to understand through reading those bullet-points out loud twice…is that I’m settling and when I settle and leave I wonder why it didn’t work out. I am creating these mistakes through the want of happiness that is so impulsive because I’m living in a depression. 

WORK

  1. I have moved every few years growing up making it hard to develop long-term work relationships with people. I feel everyone just leaves. And in the work environment there’s turnovers, lay offs, getting fired etc; I think, whats the point? This makes me feel disconnected from work environments which makes me lose interest in work altogether and I didn’t even realize it till…now. I hate connecting with people just to watch them leave. So, I become sad in my work environment and lose interest. I move into the next position that I find.

 

I think that fucking sums that one up. I need to have faith and enjoy every single day that I have with people even if it’s their last. I cannot just wait or expect someone to leave. Who knows, they may stay and I may build the best connections with those people. Making work worth it.

 

Living Situations

1. I’ve moved seven times in the past year. I’ve moved all my stuff into seven different places. I moved them into open cabinets, drawers, and underneath beds. I nested at some of these places to make them feel like they’re home. Then things just don’t work out. I have to pack up my things again and leave. Reasons include : break up, miscommunication and in turn fighting, roommates that have absolutely no consideration, feeling like a burden and taking up space, and feeling uncomfortable with the person I’m living with.

2. Again, moving so frequently in my childhood made me like new places and change. But its made my mind worn on creating homes so much that I don’t know if it’s possible anymore. I do not think that I can muster up enough heart to create another home out of it. I feel disconnected with that word : home, and what it means. If I ask myself, I don’t think I could describe it.  At least not like I could’ve 10 years ago.

 

I’m searching for something that should just come to me. I should just stop. Just stop moving and let myself grow in one place. Stop searching. I’m depressed because life isn’t like what it used to be and I miss my true home, the one where my family is. I have no control of when this feeling would, if it did, arise. My past has fucked me a little on this etchasketch that is my life’s stability. I understand that. Now I just need to work past it.

 

After doing this all I feel is…acceptance. I feel like I’m ready to start sharing these. Now that I’ve outlined it for myself, I can share it with my current relationships. I’m ready to express myself and explain who I am. I’m ready to move on and embrace my past and create a present life full of good change.

observing yourself from the outside in.

Have you ever had those shower thoughts where you notice certain things about yourself that have changed immensely and you don’t know exactly how or when it happened?

I had one of those thoughts the other day in the shower when I was taking my makeup off. I noticed that I liked my face both with and without makeup. I know what you’re thinking, “whatever dude,” but, I used to really just judge makeup. I had such a bad relationship with it. I didn’t like it on my face and I didn’t like when other people wore it. It wasn’t just the feeling of layers of foundation on my blemished skin or the thickness of my lashes weighing down my ability to see, but my values of makeup in this very vain society we live in. Then, standing there in the shower, I noticed that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about these “values” I just wanted to be fuckin happy and just not care anymore. If you know what I mean.

I felt more fluid. Like I was allowing myself to do what I wanted to do in the moment. If that moment included mascara and some eye shadow, I didn’t mind. It’s kinda like…I stopped caring so much about what I felt I was standing up for and just started to react on feelings I would have in the moments I had them. It felt freeing and peaceful. I felt like I was giving up this whole “feminist” ideal I’d adapted to while in Ohio, because I felt as a woman, I should take action for my fellow ladies behind these made-up faces.

I think I realized what truly felt liberating. Not the ideas of others that I felt I needed to adapt as my own, but of my own ideas at whatever cost they had to the people around me.

This isn’t even just about makeup. It’s about my whole being and how I view myself here and now from when I viewed myself, say, last month. We’re all changing and all the time.

I think the word, “fluid”, is my favorite currently. It’s such a freeing term. It just means that we can go each and every way we feel is right for us. That we can decide to let change happen as it will and embrace it.

I read in this new book of mine, “Pillow Thoughts”, by Courtney Peppernell, an inspirational passage from page 194.

It read,

“When you have been someone your whole life and suddenly you realize a part of you exists that you never realized before, It’s perhaps the hardest thing to walk away from the you that you have always known. To walk into the open arms of this new, redefined you is like saying, I don’t know you very well, but I want to.”

Have you ever tried looking at yourself from an outside perspective? Your actions, behaviors, and what you say to other people? Instead of living in your head, you think of who you actually are when you aren’t paying attention? I know it sounds like a mind fuck, but we live in our heads so much. Sometimes we don’t notice what we’re doing until someone tells us to our face, “Hey, you’re being an asshole, just wanted you to know.”

Well I’ve started to do that and I feel like I’m getting to know myself all over again. I’m more aware of my actions and my involuntary behaviors. I feel like I’m studying myself in a way? Not in a vain way, but just to figure out if my mind and my actions are meeting up in sync. I want to be my true self in and out. I think I’m starting to really realize what that means to me.

A few months ago I could definitely says that most of my actions were not meeting up with how I truly felt. I was relying mostly on my physical appearance for people to understand who I was. I was obsessed with “expressing myself” through clothing, my hair, etc; How I wanted the world to see me instead of how I wanted to see myself.

Once I got to Colorado, where I now live with loving and supportive people who encourage my utmost weirdness and uniqueness, I was able to step back and realize how I feel most comfortable expressing myself physically. I guess that’s where the makeup comes in as an example. I use to shame myself for wearing it because I thought it would mean that I’m letting society get the best of my ideals of beauty, but really, I just like wearing it from time to time. I like trying new colors and styles. Also, I dress up now. Out of pure enjoyment and not for anyone else.

I realize what these changes have done to my life thus far. I feel happier. I feel motivated and inspired. Not because of the cliche, “Look good, feel good”, but because when I choose to dress and look the way that my heart and mind agrees with, I am happier than resorting to stereotypes and ideals others have tried pushing onto me because they think that’s who I am.

Most importantly I realized that no nose ring, plugs, hair style, hair color, or wardrobe can define who I really am. It can only add to the beautiful personality I have to offer to the world. I’m not here as a showpiece or a model for a group of people defined by labels. I am here to define myself in every fluid, crazy way I see fit.

So, I no longer ask myself what I should wear or how my face should look. I ask, “how do I feel today?” and go from there.