new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to processĀ  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

flashbacks from drunk nights

So, every weekend after my breakup, I’ve been going out on Friday nights with all my friends, including, let’s call her…Alex. She’s my ex’s friend. They’re not super close anymore, but they’re close enough. But every Friday, I seem to drink too much…I don’t remember how it happens, but I think it’s because people keep buying me drinks and I can’t turn them down.

I kind of alluded to you guys that me and Alex have this weird thing between us. It’s been there since…Halloween? I remember we were standing at the bar at a local gay club. She was dressed like Liz Lemon and I was a Witch, because I have no creativity in me with Halloween costumes. We had been drinking a lot and we were having a heart-to-heart at the bar. She was upset because her ex-girlfriend was already engaged to that girls abusive, ex-girlfriend just shortly after their breakup. If that makes sense, I don’t know. But she was upset.

It kind of took a turn into anxiety and sadness that she felt. She began to cry a little and as I wiped away her tears, I was listening to all the things she was saying with such intent, like the rest of the people at that bar didn’t exist. Or my girlfriend at the time, whom I didn’t realize was staring us down from the opposite end of the bar.

I began to cry a little, feeling so awful for how Alex felt. Alex wiped away my tears and we just looked at each other in understanding. She kept looking down at my lips. Which, she later on, soberly, owns up to saying it was because of my Lipstick looking so nice. lol.

Next thing I knew, my girlfriend at the time, rounded around the bar and confronted us two. She told me she wanted to go home and said she wasn’t happy. I basically was a huge ass and played the whole, “Do you want me to go with you?” card instead of just leaving with her. Mainly because Alex was not in the right sorts to be left alone, and also, I wanted to stay.

My girlfriend at the time had a DUI and couldn’t drink, so she wasn’t enjoying herself and she later told me that the whole time she was staring us down she was thinking that I was confiding in Alex that I didn’t want to be with her. I told her she was so wrong, but now that I remember that night, I remember being unsure as to what to tell Alex when she asked me how her and my girlfriend were doing. Me and Alex took a photo that night and Alex made it her GroupMe Profile pic the next day.

Ever since that night, we didn’t really talk about it. Alex brought it up at New Years and I awkwardly changed the subject and walked away.

So, going back to the past three weekends, this morning I remembered what happened on the first Friday after the breakup, going out with Alex and friends.

I remember Alex asking me something. Like she was prompting me to answer a question about us…or something? I don’t know, we were both pretty drunk. I still can’t remember that part. But I ended up opening up to her about how I felt like there was something between us. She responded that she felt the same way and thought for a moment that she was crazy, because she didn’t realize I felt the same.

This morning I remembered Alex showing me the photo from her GroupMe, that night, and explaining why she made it her profile photo., it wasn’t like a MySpace, “you’re my top friend on my friends list”, kind of thing. It was a, “I did this to remind myself of you”, kind of thing.

I asked, “what now?”

She said, “[your ex] is my friend…”

And just like that people came up to talk to us and our single, most honest talk we’ve had about all this was over like a fucking blink of an eye.

This made me feel good this morning because it reassured me that maybe down the road, Alex is someone that could be special in my life. Lately, we’ve been a little spaced from her and I know she understands why. It’s only been three weeks since the breakup and I have some personal things I’m working through. But remembering that, made me feel good.