new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process¬† them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

What Inspires Me And How To Live It

Do you ever find things that inspire you so much to either read, watch or write? You don’t know how to incorporate them into your life on a day-to-day basis. You’ve heard the “Follow your passion” , but what if it’s a lot of things? For example: healthy living inspires me. The no-makeup life and the no poo life. The traveling out of your van kinda stuff. Tiny house living. Minimalism. Expressing yourself physically (i.e body modifications). Cleansing and organizing. etc;

How do I incorporate all of those into my day-to-day to always keep me inspired and happy?

I think writing about it helps a lot.

I think writing just helps everything.

I want to be extreme with my happiness by taking actions and pursuing those actions till they create habits and then change my character. So I’m just going to list somethings I want to start doing to help me do so.

  1. Focus on cleansing and organizing on the day-to-day.¬† Make my environment clean so that it makes my focus clear and feel put together. This includes my body. Make sure I’m doing what makes me feel good on the inside and not what I expect will make people feel good looking at me from the outside.
  2. Not taking up a lot of space. There’s something good about feeling down for whatever and able to be versatile. This means, for me, not having a lot of “things” dragging me down. Me being flexible and able to adapt more quickly to different situations whether it be work or living, makes me feel like I can do anything and do it with more ease. I guess that comes down to being more minimalist. So how can I do this: Rid myself of “things” that aren’t making me truly happy or that I’m not using on a day-to-day basis. This also includes social media. Being able to live without feeling like I have to save or document something for others to see. Having agency over my memories instead of feeling the need forget that exact moment for the use of others to live vicariously. Ego.¬†
  3. Take a second to think before taking actions that society has taught you to just add to your routine. Instead of automatically going for the mascara or the heels, think, “am I doing this for myself or for others to perceive me a certain way?” I know longer work in a business professional work environment as of yesterday so I definitely feel more free and able to do this, which makes me think that that job really wasn’t a good fit. I would rather be my own brand than be molded into something that was created by factories and manuals to fit a certain “type”. The freedom to “be”.
  4. Writing more. It’s always been my outlet and something I loved and needed every single day, but for the past 6 months it’s been almost nonexistent in my life. I’m ready to make it a priority once more and make sure I’m even forcing myself, because I end up feeling like THIS. Refreshed, focused, and clear-headed. It’s my meditation. Getting in touch with myself is so vital because as you all can see it’s easy for me to stray and be influenced from work life and relationships. I am the only person that can remain true to my own, individual happiness. In the end all I really HAVE is myself. I need to make sure I’m taking care and taking actions to achieve that happiness.\

 

Thank you for my community whose been following me on this very crazy, unpredictable journey that is my self-discovery. I never feel alone, regardless of how long I’ve been gone, and I owe that all to you.