trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

in a pickle

you know the softball phrase…When you’re stuck in between bases because the person with the ball has the power to throw at both bases equally, causing you to risk jumping for one base over another.

That’s what I’m in, metaphorically.

I’m falling for this girl, Amy, and her friend, Christina, is my ex-girlfriend. Christina says that if me and Amy pursue something that she’d never be friends with either one of us. Personally, I don’t care about our friendship because she’s selfish and annoying, but the girl I like does value that friendship. We’re in a pickle. Except I’m not the one playing the game, I’m on the sidelines rooting Amy on while Christina has the ball to pitch. No matter which way Amy runs there is risk to lose with me or Christina. Another sport phrase, ball is completely in her court.

“Where do we go from here?”  I said (Kind of alluding for her to share her thoughts on the decision she is going to have to make)

“I’ve got plenty of time to think on this plane, but anyway enjoy your Friday, I’ll see you later.”

I broke down. I’m trying to remain positive and optimistic that based on the feelings Amy and I have accumulated that, that would be enough, but I also don’t want to make her resentful towards me with leaving a friend behind FOR me. It’s seriously a pickle.

Advice that I have gotten from a few different people varied. One person said to walk away until it’s the right “time”.  For those of you who know your heart like I know mine, I know that it would just break it. I’m falling for this girl. If I pulled back, I feel like I would have to turn off my switch and be cold, to suppress my feelings. I hate that. I used to do that for a long time in previous relationships and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.

 

I’m in too deep.

having the lowest of expectations: sad or the smartest tool for basic human survival?

I know this kind of sounds depressing, sad, and hopeless, but I think it’s been one of the most soothing mantras for myself lately, “don’t expect anything”. The idea came to my head two weekends ago. I hosted a big party at my house, a huge lesbian fiesta filled with margaritas and board games. Everyone was immersed in conversation and the music was really on point. My friend, Sydney, sat down beside me. We don’t talk too much, in fact, I wouldn’t say we are very close. But I think she’s an amazing person. She referred to a piece of poetry by Courtney Peppernell that I have taped up to my mirror in the bathroom. I forgot to take it down.

I like looking at it when i’m brushing my teeth in the morning. I can’t remember verbatim, but it kind of goes like…Happiness is something that you work on. Build it up so much that people see it in your walk. When you hug someone, they feel it in your embrace. Build it up so much so that you have an entire empire. Something to that nature. Sorry, Courtney. I’m working on it.

Well, anyways when Sydney sat down beside me she complimented the piece of poetry. Then she shared with me that having no expectations for anything is the key to being happy. I asked her about her relationship and if she had any expectations for it? She said no. It’s as if she was trying to answer a question that she assumed I was asking myself, like maybe I was thinking the answer is the poetry on my mirror.

Ever since then though I took her advice and have been trying to have lower expectations for everything. For having fun when I go out, to expecting to have a good day at work, to expecting Amy to show affection or emotional reassurance my way on the reg, to expecting my interviews to show up at work, to basically expecting any situation to be a certain way or people to react a certain way.

I think I’ve noticed the most results in reference to Amy. She is on the scale of Autism and doesn’t know how to communication certain things or express how she feels most of the time. She has a difficulty with commitment, and releasing control in certain scenarios. At first, I would get frustrated because I would say something very sweet or affectionate and i wouldn’t get the kind of response that I had hoped for. This would happen all the time to the point where I felt like she didn’t feel the same way. Obviously I knew that she had certain struggles with that side of herself, but I wasn’t getting what I needed and that kind of took over? If that makes sense. My insecurities took over what I knew about Amy. I just let myself get cloudy for a minute.

Since that moment of realization that I was asking for things that couldn’t be given, or at least right away, i took what Sydney said into effect. In turn I feel like it helped me realize that I can’t expect ANYONE to fulfill my needs. I am the person for that. That, if something was meant to be, it’s meant to be. If Amy is able to open up to me eventually with time and patience and it works out, that’s wonderful. If not, that is perfectly fine.

Obviously, I’m human and have slip ups where I really would like signs of interest or maybe just platonic signs of affection. I have to tell myself though that lower expectations in everything make me more at peace. It brings me a sense of….well, that I am strong and that I cannot be disappointed.

I think I’ve been so used to putting forth so much effort to build relationships, maintain them, be successful, prove myself, making myself better faster than I normally should be, etc; Just expecting all these RESULTS. And expectations weren’t meeting up with reality so I was constantly being disappointed. By friends, my work, or in dating.

I think Sydney really taught me something that night.

No Roots No Problem

One thing I really love about myself is that I don’t necessarily plant roots with any specific places. I mean, if you follow my blog, you probably have noticed I have commitment issues. I blame it on my military brat lifestyle I grew up in. I am still actively working on my commitment hardships in my relationships and with myself, but being non-committal with places I’ve lived is actually quite useful. The only roots I develop in places is building friendships and relationships. I don’t have personal connections with homes, or scenery…at least not since 10 years ago when I lived in Germany and had to move in result of my Grandmothers cancer. It was the only place I considered “home”.

My point being, in all of this, is that Christina and I need to know by December 3rd whether or not we will be renewing our lease at our current apartment complex. Her job may take her to New York. I had already told her that I would go anywhere she wants to go and the thought of relocating is so exciting. It’s my favorite thing to think about right now. I’ve never been to New York. I’ve never been to New York City for frick’s sake. I think it would be remarkable to live there for a little while. Her family lives there. It’s 12 hours closer to where my family is located than from here in Colorado. It will be a new adventure.

Plus…like I said, I have no roots here. Some good friendships, yes, but if they’re great it won’t matter where I am.

I don’t know if any of you recall from my very first posts, but I originally moved to Colorado to be closer to my childhood friend from Germany, Hannah. Our friendship has dissipated and completely eroded in the past few months. She just doesn’t make time for me anymore and it’s always been an issue. It peaked when she couldn’t make it to my birthday, or even my surprise party. Even for half an hour. She couldn’t find the time in her priorities…or make me one. I think that taught me a huge lesson in friendships and getting older.

No matter how much closer you get to someone, physically, the friendship is only as great as the emotional distance. I guess I didn’t realize how much that lacked until a few months ago. I started unraveling other times before when I let it slide.

My ability to not make roots in places has also expanded to friendships. In a way that I don’t hold onto people like I do with books or photos. I no longer hold on to them for the good memories. I let them go, understanding that they have made their place in my life but it’s time for them and I to move on.

I guess I used to hold them so dear because when I kept moving, it was all I had left. Even if they weren’t great in the first place. Even if I was begging for their time, or they flaked out on me because they didn’t feel like spending time or having a 30 min phone conversation to catch up.

Christina asked me who I’d want my bridesmaids to be when someday I get married. My honest answer was that I didn’t want any of my current “friends” to be my bridesmaids. I couldn’t imagine anyone up there with me, except my mom. The one person that has always trusted her gut and shared it with me when it came to the people in my life. The one person that even though we’ve had the rockiest of communication issues, was the most supportive and always there for me.

I guess one question I have for myself writing this is, at what point is it unhealthy to not form roots? Is it normal for age to stagnate growth in dependence on people and places? Or is it that when I get to a certain age, that’s when I should be forming roots and I just haven’t gotten to that point yet? Maybe this is how I should be until I know it is right for me. The right friends. The right place. The right job.

I feel like the only consistent commitment in my life is Christina. The only part of my life I don’t want to separate from or change. The only relationship that has survived this long.

Maybe it all goes up from here and she is the first piece of the puzzle.