new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

In Search of My Comfortability with Femininity

Growing up in different communities and discovering myself further as the person that I am, true to my heart, I’ve went through all the phases and experiments that go with my personal style that also correlate with what I feel inside. I learned that physical expression illuminates how I feel. Whether it be trying bangs, gauges, dreads, or man pants, I’ve pretty much tried it all and I still try it from time to time.

What I’ve come to learn from the years and years of fluidity in my physical expression is that I have trends. Trends that I haven’t really noticed till late that prove what feels more comfortable for me. Trends that I’ve very grateful to be aware of now because then it helps me decide from here on forward what is best.

I feel like I’ve always idolized people who can dress with more masculinity and roughness, a style I’ve always been attracted to. I love the idea of never wearing makeup and always sporting a beanie and baggy pants. It just looks comfortable, and frankly, hot. But no matter how much I admire it in other people, I’ve learned through many efforts, that it’s not comfortable for myself to look that way.

I do find it interesting because we’ve always heard that we can be whomever we want to be, idolize symbols that will bring you closer to that (mentally, and physically) so that you have something to strive for. I think I’ve just come to realize that maybe I have been looking up to the wrong people. I need to look up to people that share common interests instead of ones that just intrigue me, but aren’t me.

So, who could my new idols be?

Back to the trends I’ve noticed that no matter how many times I buy jeans that bag, or beanies that sag, I always feel my most comfortable in clothing that is more…hobo/fem? Haha if that’s even a style.

Personally, I think style is very important. Like for your mood. They say colors can dictate what mood you are in. Style also impacts first impressions. It also just makes you feel good on the inside. It’s fun and it’s art. Its art of your soul and how you feel. That’s why I do feel like it’s a big deal in my life because I want to be completely comfortable!

I think my sexuality has played a huge part in it as well. I hate to say it, but almost everyone is pretty prone to following labels. We’re kind of taught to put ourselves in boxes, define people, identify others; most of the time, with their appearance. So, growing up and learning about the LGBT community and what LGBT people typically looked like, that played a factor into what I thought my appearance should be like.

Of course now I know that, that is not correct now, considering everyone comes in different shapes, sizes, personalities, and personal style choices.

Rant. over.

I heard once that great things come from the most uncomfortable of situations and times

There’s a famous quote floating around somewhere kind of like the title of this post, but I learned it from my old coworker in a meeting he was giving.

The last few posts that I made (and deleted) was a very uncomfortable time. I’m just now coming out of it. I deleted them because I said a lot of hurtful things that aren’t worth remembering or sharing. I said a lot of hurtful things that, yes, I did need to just vent about and put it all out there, but it’s served it’s purpose and as someone who is always growing and evolving, those two posts needed to be left behind.

So, here I am starting a fresh new blog post about what’s come from those horrible few weeks of deep depression, anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion.

I was able to grow out of a cocoon of hatred and cynicism. I was able to feel what I was feeling…really notice it and take it all in. Express it whole-heartedly, not only through writing, but to Christina. To my partner whom of which, those posts themed. I was able to be the most awful part of myself…the most insecure, noncommittal, and flakey part of myself. The most raw honest about the true feelings in my soul. I got it all out and sat with it. I sat with all the pain that I had been holding in for such a long time. Since…high school. The battles I’ve been low key fighting with myself. I felt like I dealt with all of them at once. And when I mean dealt, I mean…I was seriously not myself. I was sitting around stewing, bitter, angry, expressive, explosive…I was a ticking time bomb, and man was that a mother of a goddamn mess.

I needed to feel all of that though. I needed to feel all of it so that I could see that part of myself. I feel like when I’m at my worst, I make the right decisions. Only because when I’m at my worst, I’m being selfish with my time, space, and heart. I give no fucks about anyone because I’m in survival mode. And even in that situation, I still knew that Christina and I were going to get through this. Coming from my worst, I think that shows a lot.

Do you ever feel this sharp ping of guilt and shame though when these kinds of things happen? Your ugly comes out? I felt so much of it that I slipped into a hatred with myself. I slipped into a very very vulnerable state where I just didn’t want to put up with myself anymore. I was tired of it. I was tired of trying to explain what I was feeling and doing things that were not right. I was tired of explaining why my shittiness was so shitty because of the shame. I feel like If I didn’t have plenty willpower, that I would’ve slipped into a pure hatred phase of fuck everyone, like an I don’t care how fucked up I am, I’m just going to be selfish and live my life selfishly kind of state. But I was able to bring myself out of that vanity and into the real world of compassion and growth. My own personal growth.

If you understand what I mean, you understand it can be just as easy as a switch. You flip it and you don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. You become destructive and reckless. Its the most selfish thing a person can do, but your mind plays tricks on you, making you think that this is you being your genuine self. That you’re invincible and unbreakable and your feelings unshakable. When really, you’re just stopping yourself from working on yourself and stopping yourself from having compassion and letting love into your life. Sometimes it can be so hard to flip that switch back up. I feel like I’ve known people who could never flip it back.

I am glad, I never flipped it. It allowed me to really construct what it is about myself that I need to work on more, for myself and for Christina.
SO MUCH that I told Christina to write a list of everything I do that either annoys her or she thinks is something I need to work on as a partner…one part of myself was regretting it, hearing her list some really good points…but then when she was done, I told myself, “Yeah, she’s right and Instead of feeling bad about, I’m going to do something about it”.

So, there’s supposedly five stages to love.
This site explains them pretty well: http://menalive.com/stages-of-love/

That third stage…
“No one told us about Stage 3 in understanding love and marriage. Stage 3 is where my first two marriages collapsed and for too many relationships this is the beginning of the end. This is a period where things begin to feel bad. It can occur slowly or can feel like a switch is flipped and everything goes wrong. Little things begin to bother us. We feel less loved and cared for. We feel trapped and want to escape.

We become more irritable and angry or hurt and withdrawn. We may stay busy at work or with the family, but the dissatisfactions mount. We wonder where the person we once loved has gone. We long for the love we once had, but we don’t know where it went or how to get it back. One or the other partner wants out or sometimes people go on “existing together,” but without really feeling intimate.”

“But we didn’t give up, we kept going. There’s an old adage, “When you’re going through hell, don’t stop.” This seems to be true of this stage of life. The positive side of Stage 3 is that the heat burns away a lot of our illusions about ourselves and our partner. We have an opportunity to become more loving and appreciate the person we are with, not the projections we had placed on them as our “ideal mate.” ”

I think this is part of what had happened in the last couple weeks along with my own bullshit.

Plus side, is that me and her are working through it and I’m more aware of whats going on in my brain and in my heard than it being the foggy mess that it was for all of October.

I have nothing more to say, than Thank fucking God that’s over.

What ifs…

Sometimes I like to play this game and sometimes it gives me horrible anxiety. Lately I’ve been playing it a little bit more often because I’m coming up on a very exciting and anxiety driven part of my life. A time for decision making and change. Huge changes.

In one month, my girlfriend and I have to decide whether or not we are extending our lease and staying in Colorado longer or putting in our notice so that we could leave for New York in Spring. The reason is because I am itching for a new adventure and she may land a job that she’s been wanting for a long long time. No matter what though, Her whole family lives there and would support us while we settle in, my parents are also very supportive and would help with the move. We would go into it with a clear mind and comforted hearts knowing we’d be taken care of and it would be an easy (as easy as it can be) transition.

So, what if we don’t leave? What if her court stuff keeps us so much longer that we have to extend the lease? What if she decides she doesn’t want to go anywhere for awhile? What if I’m not okay with doing that.

My passion is adventure and travel. This place has served it’s purpose in my life. My best friend that I moved here for is no longer my best friend. I am not longer interested in escaping to the mountains. Now, I want to see the city. The city of cities.

My gypsy itch is getting worse every month that slips by.

Its kind of exciting to think about the future and all the possibilities. There are so many.

I listened to this podcast called, “Unf*ck Your Brain” and in one of the episodes she talks about how to make decisions. She said that no decision is going to be the right one. No matter what decision you choose you will feel regret, wonder as to what would’ve happened if the decision was different, and, to a certain extent, sadness. No matter what you will have negative reactions to any decision you make. The key is to make the decision that will not hold you back. The one that will move your forward in life instead of holding you back. Something that will provide growth instead of making you stagnate. Which I guess is why this decision is so easy for me to make…I also don’t make much roots anywhere though.

For her though,

She’s been working in this company for 2 years trying to get to management, but the opportunity is most likely not there. Everyone is leaving the company. But she has court things she needs to finish up before she moves out of state and they pushed the trial date back. What if they push it back again.

What if she starts improving at her job when we already gave our notice…she wants to move then.

I feel like I would be crushed.

Is it fair, that she can change her mind like that when we’ve made hopeful promises to each other…all for a career choice? Or is that unfair for me to even ask. What trumps, a relationship or a career?

I’ve asked myself that question once before.
I’ve asked her that question before without even realizing it and she called me out on it. We talked about it months ago and we landed on “compromise”. whatever that would mean at the time, if that time happened.

When you are so young, still finding yourself, does a 1 year relationship matter as much as a career, or is it the opposite?

I’m at this weird point in my life where I’m still trying to figure out how to be appropriate for my age; How to maintain being young in spirit, but act as an adult; to know better, but also know when it’s okay to not know anything at all.

catching my feisty self in my poor habits

I heard once, somewhere I don’t remember, that the reason poor people stay poor is because they do not invest like rich people. They’re not aware of where or when to invest.

 

Another reason is that the poor have this theme of spending their money on stuff, so not to have even enough money to invest. I think the reason it based on environmental impacts growing up and the way we learned about money from our parents or guardians.

 

Me, specifically, I’m going to be honest. I think it’s because I’ve been spoiled and now that I’m broke, I’m starting to notice it’s life costs (puns ha-ha).

 

All growing up my parents were always there for me financially. They made me pay for things, definitely, but I was spoiled for the most part. Now that I’m older and living on my own in Colorado (one of the most expensive states) I’m starting to realize how freakin awesome I had it.

 

To begin with, my mother taught me through monkey-see-monkey-do, that I should stock up on anything I might need. Even if I had it already. Also she taught me how to eat very healthy, which is also a very expensive habit. So, when I began living on my own I did both of those things.

 

My dad told me to have fun with money. To give when you can to the homeless. To pay it forward. So, upon living on my own I’ve both had fun spending my hard-earned money on experiences and fun, while also giving a lot to others who need it because It makes me feel good and I was taught it’s the right thing to do.

 

I grew up learning that money was always obtainable. That is was always going to be there when emergencies arise because my dad was/is Air Force and he had a stable, supportive job. Best part was that I was on his health insurance.

 

So, now that I’m broke and shedding some light on what made my habits the way they are, I’m trying to change them.

 

So, lately, I’ve been waiting till the last possible moment to buy something I need like toothpaste or toilet paper. I’ve been kind of eating like shit compared to what I had been. I haven’t been going out like ever. I’m dependent on Steven for fun-costing things, which makes me sad cause I want to contribute. Bless his soul. But I still do give when I can, but instead of money its with whatever I have in my car (food, hand-warmers, water bottles) to give to the homeless.

 

I want to start controlling my habits so that I may save money, but also be able to spend some on the important things. Like wiping my ass and feeding myself.

 

Story time:

 

Last night I was awarded a 50 dollar visa gift card at my job for doing well. First thing I did was go to the thrift store and have some fun. I bought a wax burner for Steven’s apartment (10$). Then I went to the dollar store to pick up some dinner before I’d go to Stevens. I picked up noodles, a christmas tree topper, wax (for the burner), hot chocolate packets, and toothpaste (for Steven).

 

I got into my car and by the time I reached Steven’s I realized what I had done.

I looked into my bags and realized that I could have spent only 2 dollars and would have gotten everything I actually needed. I realized that I couldn’t help myself buying all those things because I had the money to finally splurge.

 

What I realized most was that, that is why I’m so fucking poor.

 

I keep spending money on THINGS because I’ve been so broke that when I have money I don’t know what to do with it, when I don’t have bills. I just end up losing it and wondering where the hell it went. It’s like I’m money binging and then regretting it later, puking up conditioned consumerism.

 

I realized then that I need to be aware of what I’m purchasing when I’m about to purchase it.

I need to ask myself some important questions. This is what I’ve came up with…

 

  1. Why am I buying this?
  2. Will I actually use this, and will I use it everyday?
  3. Will I live if I don’t have this? (for my dramatic side of reason).

 

Have any of you ever felt actually enlightened to not have much?

 

Any minimalists out there?

 

I’ve tried minimalism and it was very liberating. I felt like I didn’t need much and in return felt rich.

I’ve obviously strayed from those ideals, considering my situation. I have more clothes, I have more furniture, I love decorations again….

 

I’m thinking I need to get back in that mindset again. Not as extreme. I need to be a minimalist with my money. Cut down on costs I don’t need to be spending.

 

I work better when I write things down. You already know.

 

I want to reference this wonderful webpage I just found on the minimalist ways of spending less:

http://simplicityrelished.com/5-minimalist-secrets-saving-money/

 

This is what Daisy had to say:

 

“5 Minimalist Secrets to Saving Money

Secret #1: I am not defined by what I own (or wear, eat, live in or drive).

Money is often spent, unnecessarily, on building an image. Whether it is clothing, cars, gadgets or even food, maintaining an image can be extremely expensive. Looking closely at how we spend money on things just to exude a certain lifestyle is one way to start cutting costs and saving. Just because everyone at work buys a giant latte before work does not mean you have to, as well. When I’m done with procuring my own image and fitting in, I’ll start being able to put my time and resources towards the things that matter to me more.

Secret #2: Ask not where the greatest deal is, but where the greatest need is.

So many shops have us hooked on the idea that snagging a great deal is the same as saving money. It’s not. Every so often, an excellent store offer will provide multiple items that you actually need. But usually it’s more about making you feel that you got the long end of the stick- for once! In the end, however, more money is usually saved by simply purchasing what is needed. Nothing more.

Secret #3: Minimalism keeps my personal values always in my mind.

Once minimalism seeps into multiple areas of my life, I am much more focused on what I truly desire, envision, worship and love. My biggest life priorities are constantly on my mind, where they ought to be. I rarely do something without knowing why I’m doing it. Whether I am getting ready in ten minutes, traveling to a new destination, or spending time outdoors, minimalism helps me live intentionally. And thus, I spend money intentionally, not accidentally.

Secret #4: Minimalism is the enemy of clutter and busy-ness.

The commitment to not accruing lots of stuff is at the core of minimalism. And the secret to avoiding stuff? Purchasing only what is needed, only occasionally in bulk, and only in the most efficient way. Promotions that offer a prize for spending $50 at a shop rarely entice me anymore. I hardly ever “buy one get one free” unless I need both packages of the same thing. I do not replace an item until it has completely worn out; not simply gone out of style. In the quest for owning less and living more, we become less susceptible to unintentional accumulations and impulse purchases. (7 reasons we buy things we don’t need)

Secret #5: Minimalism reminds me that contentment can never be bought, sold, or stolen.

Though we might know this to be true, it is so difficult to live out. This is one of the toughest truths that I have learned recently. When we make purchases, we often justify them by the “happy points” that they merit. How many time have I said, If I just had this, then I would be so much better off.? But, if you’ve spent some time trying to acquire one more thing to bring contentment, you may have found– like I did– that it doesn’t work. Contentment is not on the shelves at Target or in our virtual online shopping carts. Contentment is somewhere in those things that matter most deeply to us: friends, faith, passion, community, adventure… the things that have no price tag at all.

The bottom-line is, saving money in a significant way has to come from the heart. Our consumer-driven economy does not make it easy to refrain from making one purchase after another. Our culture of material goods does not make it easy to appear uncool or outdated. But if there is something worth saving your hard-earned cash for— and there usually is– then perhaps the change of heart will be worthwhile. “

 

Happy Holidays, lol.

Good luck saving, my blogsters.

 

When your biggest pet peev is the fucking human race…

 

                                                                                 Pt. 1

It was one fucking night. In a daydream where I realized no one really gave a fucking shit. I used to worry about people looking at me when I entered a room or walked down an aisle at the grocery store.

I’ve always hated people who stared. Why? I’d say it was because in our society, the American one, it’s seen as rude, but there was more. I just hated when people’s disgusting eyes would look at me up and down. I hated people. I hated the way they’d judge me with their lingering gaze at my outfit or hair. I hated how they never. Fucking .smiled. I always said, “If you’re going to stare at me at least smile.”

That never happened though. Sometimes. Rarely, I suppose. Like I said, I hated people. Then something hit me. I am a person. Whether I like it or not we’re all pretty common. We all want the same thing. To be happy. We all think kind of the same way. When we look at something, because of the society and the media, we automatically come up with generalizations, questions, and labels. We just can’t help it. If we grew up in a different world with different believes and values…thinks may be different. But I didn’t. We didn’t. So, when people stare at me now I just think to myself, “I have no control over their perceptions and actions, but I have control over mine.”

This probably seems like a self-help book right now on how to get along with the human race, but it’s really just an explanation of my first step toward personal freedom. I realized that everyone is more obsessed with their own experiences than of others. For example: One may say that they absolutely loathe those shoes that, that girl is wearing over there by the concession stand and everyone chuckles around her. Is it really because she has a real big concern for that girls fashion sense or is it so that she can make the people around her laugh which goes hand in hand with her reputation and brownie points for a few chuckles in her squad?

Well, have you ever thought that everything about someone was truly just perfect? That even the holes in their jeans were in the perfect spots and that their messy, unwashed hair was just spectacular beyond compare? Have you ever looked up to somebody so much you didn’t know if you wanted to be them or be on them? I’ve started to notice things when I caught myself staring at people, ya know doing human things like observing and people watching. I’d find that what people wore were perfect just for them. The way their bodies and faces looked were perfect. I started to notice the true beauty in people when I stopped judging them in resentment for staring at me. But I’d smile.

I had learned to laugh at those who’d stare at my fanny packs or my dorky, mismatched socks. I’d wave at those who would stare with the most blank faces. Now, don’t get my wrong it still peevs me sometimes, but I can feel my mind shifting every time I correct it. It takes a little more will power when the stares come from creepy men, but like I said. Working on it.

                                                                            Pt. 2

When I started getting all this shit down I started noticing something crazy. Compassion. Something I learned in my college sociology class called, “Verstehen”. It’s German meaning “to understand”, but in the sociological meaning it refers to those having the emotional understanding of how humans work and being compassionate about it. Compassion. I feel like once I truly understood the word, enough to tattoo it on my upper-inner arm, I could be at peace with my existence on this planet. It’s not like it solved what the meaning of life is, but it solved how I approach other people in my own meaning of life.

I’m sure there’s readers out there that have cut off family members because they’re crazy, toxic, or whatever. Understanding compassion with humans also helped me understand that everyone is ultimately alone. We all walk our own paths and blood just ties us together in obligations by tradition and culture. It doesn’t really mean anything does it. For those who are hardcore family people, go read another book. I mean don’t get me wrong we all can dig a little fam, but they aren’t everything. GASP I know, crazy! It’s just utterly ridiculous right? Think about it. We die alone. Maybe we die with a loved one by our side. A significant other. A close friend. A family member. But we decide who we put into our lives not the other way around. Just because blood ties people together in social expectations doesn’t mean we don’t have the control to manipulate who we deem as family whether, blood or not.

My point is that. Family is who we decide family to be. Just like friends. Friends are who we decide to let into our lives. A long with people are vibes. Yah, yah, you’re probably like “whose this hippy” but vibes are a really fucking thing. Doesn’t have to be some scientific bull-shit. It can just be the way people act towards you that causes you to act a certain way, whether it be positive or negative. So, just like having compassion with other people we need to have compassion with ourselves. Choose who the fuck you want in your life, man. If you don’t want your family in your life, kick. Them. Out. They don’t deserve to be there if they aren’t treating you right. We all die alone. I know, weep about it, but it’s true. So, surround yourself with good people as much as you can because hanging out with that aunt who constantly criticizes you and your dog-walking career isn’t someone worth wasting time with if she isn’t gonna be holding your hand on your death bed because it may smell like dog dandruff.