COVID Cruise Control : a rant

I can’t be the only one feeling this way. Like I’m not totally ‘here’, ‘present’, ‘with it’….

I just float through my days without even realizing that they happened, but when I do snap into reality from time to time, I’m anxious. It’s kind of like a coping mechanism I suppose, like my body took over my brain and fogged my thoughts just so I can make it through; getting me to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, but everything else is muted.

I’ve also lost a filter (like totally out the window). For example, I just don’t care how my ‘tone’ sounds to my coworkers (even to Donna, the most sensitive co-worker in the world). If they think I’m being short via e-mail because I just don’t care to add that exclamation point or emoji, I just don’t care. I’m not sugaring for fluffing anything, I’m just being direct (which I kind of like), but I’m also not sure anyone notices because they’re all on edge.

My whole job is just a tense, like… a gross sore (first analogy that came to my mind, ew). It’s just red, and gross, and on the verge of bursting (ew ew ew). Once it does, where will I be?

The uncertainty is the worst part. I’m sure most people hate uncertainty though. Part of me wishes my job was over because at least at that point, I would just know. But I’m trying to steer away from that kind of thinking considering I have bills to pay and need all the positive ‘vibes’ out into the universe as I can muster.

Trust me, I’m thankful I’m employed. I’m in staffing, so I see unemployment every day even without everything that is going on. But sometimes it excites me, the opportunity of being unemployed and having the time to invest into other opportunities. I mean we’re all not just our job right? We have other desires, goals, and dreams that aren’t derived from where we get our paychecks. What if my job ended, and I found one that was both a desire and a paycheck.

I’ve always thought about working with animals on a more serious level. Not a vet…no, but shelters. Maybe in project management, fundraising, event coordination to boost the amount of adoptions. Doing research into better care plans, and other processes.

…Bringing it back, I hope everyone is okay.

Hold on to the ones you love a little tighter and hope for the best.

 

 

Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty  much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

The Art Of Living: and making a shit ton of mistakes along the way

I don’t think I really acknowledge the title of my blog in accordance with my real, day-to-day life, and give myself as much compassion as I do my writing. I make a lot of mistakes in my life. I write effortlessly in this blog about them, without even thinking before I type, but in life I beat myself up on every single word I say. I think that’s why I value this medium of self-expression so much because it’s so forgiving and every one of you that follow me, are loyal to the word vomiting of my heart and soul. Well, unless you accidentally followed me and don’t actually read my posts, and maybe forgot to unfollow? Who knows, who cares! I’m grateful to have this sanctuary.

I’ve sought out therapy, for the first time in my life. For the first time, I am making the effort into figuring out everything inside my brain instead of only relying on the interpretations I put into these blog posts. There’s only so much you can write out, to cope, until you have to find some…objective? answers. Answers I’m not just giving myself. I think I’ve always thought I could figure it out myself. That I am independent and that I didn’t need anyone’s help. But the more I write on this blog and understand how I can live a double life, I understand I’m not applying any of the written self-reflections in my day-to-day life like I’d hope. That I’ve become so comfortable with this sanctuary that I haven’t really found one in the life that I live off this computer.

I’d like to hope I’m getting into the next chapter of my life. Not because I started therapy, but because I’m finally at the point of asking for help and learning to be more dependent. I’m learning how to build roots and not just with a place, like signing a year lease at this apartment, but with myself. Trusting myself to stay and work on things instead of just running away. Trust. A huge word for myself since I’ve always been able to give it to other people, but not to my heart.

The next chapter…when I say it out loud, it sounds like such a made-up thing to get us excited for something new. Like it’s supposed to derive some extra excitement out of life to think that you are getting a “new, fresh start” or something to that nature. I’ll take it. It’s one conditioned aspect of life I will gladly keep in my life.

When I broke up with Christina 3 months ago, I went on a walk with my best friend, Amy shortly after. I said, “Amy, I feel like something really great is just around the corner. Like I’m turning a page into the next chapter of my life…” Boy, was I right. It’s like whenever I give myself the chance to feel like I have a fresh, new start, I start making those fresh, new decisions that are positive and impactful in my life. Like quitting that horrible job and staying true to the break up. So, if going to therapy is me saying I’m going into the next chapter, I welcome all the positive decisions that I make in accordance with the saying. I welcome all the positive energy from just saying it out loud.

And I welcome all the trust in myself to do what I need to do.

All of the compassion to say what I need to say, out loud.

 

having the lowest of expectations: sad or the smartest tool for basic human survival?

I know this kind of sounds depressing, sad, and hopeless, but I think it’s been one of the most soothing mantras for myself lately, “don’t expect anything”. The idea came to my head two weekends ago. I hosted a big party at my house, a huge lesbian fiesta filled with margaritas and board games. Everyone was immersed in conversation and the music was really on point. My friend, Sydney, sat down beside me. We don’t talk too much, in fact, I wouldn’t say we are very close. But I think she’s an amazing person. She referred to a piece of poetry by Courtney Peppernell that I have taped up to my mirror in the bathroom. I forgot to take it down.

I like looking at it when i’m brushing my teeth in the morning. I can’t remember verbatim, but it kind of goes like…Happiness is something that you work on. Build it up so much that people see it in your walk. When you hug someone, they feel it in your embrace. Build it up so much so that you have an entire empire. Something to that nature. Sorry, Courtney. I’m working on it.

Well, anyways when Sydney sat down beside me she complimented the piece of poetry. Then she shared with me that having no expectations for anything is the key to being happy. I asked her about her relationship and if she had any expectations for it? She said no. It’s as if she was trying to answer a question that she assumed I was asking myself, like maybe I was thinking the answer is the poetry on my mirror.

Ever since then though I took her advice and have been trying to have lower expectations for everything. For having fun when I go out, to expecting to have a good day at work, to expecting Amy to show affection or emotional reassurance my way on the reg, to expecting my interviews to show up at work, to basically expecting any situation to be a certain way or people to react a certain way.

I think I’ve noticed the most results in reference to Amy. She is on the scale of Autism and doesn’t know how to communication certain things or express how she feels most of the time. She has a difficulty with commitment, and releasing control in certain scenarios. At first, I would get frustrated because I would say something very sweet or affectionate and i wouldn’t get the kind of response that I had hoped for. This would happen all the time to the point where I felt like she didn’t feel the same way. Obviously I knew that she had certain struggles with that side of herself, but I wasn’t getting what I needed and that kind of took over? If that makes sense. My insecurities took over what I knew about Amy. I just let myself get cloudy for a minute.

Since that moment of realization that I was asking for things that couldn’t be given, or at least right away, i took what Sydney said into effect. In turn I feel like it helped me realize that I can’t expect ANYONE to fulfill my needs. I am the person for that. That, if something was meant to be, it’s meant to be. If Amy is able to open up to me eventually with time and patience and it works out, that’s wonderful. If not, that is perfectly fine.

Obviously, I’m human and have slip ups where I really would like signs of interest or maybe just platonic signs of affection. I have to tell myself though that lower expectations in everything make me more at peace. It brings me a sense of….well, that I am strong and that I cannot be disappointed.

I think I’ve been so used to putting forth so much effort to build relationships, maintain them, be successful, prove myself, making myself better faster than I normally should be, etc; Just expecting all these RESULTS. And expectations weren’t meeting up with reality so I was constantly being disappointed. By friends, my work, or in dating.

I think Sydney really taught me something that night.

What you’re good at VS. What you love (Quarter-Life Professional Crisis)

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of one-on-one time with friends that I haven’t seen in a while, planning dinners and drinks and hikes, trips, etc; I’m doing everything that makes me happy and brings me out of this depression that I’ve been working through for the past few weeks. It’s definitely helping, but I think I want to add another thing to my weekly list of plans. Walking dogs again.

When I first moved to Colorado, I had no money and no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I worked at Big 5 for a whole whopping 2 weeks, I did some serving, and lastly, before finding recruiting, I walked dogs for a month. I wrote a whole post about it at some point back then. The therapeutic benefits of it, the physical benefits of it…sure it didn’t pay much at all, but I loved it. I want to get back into it, when I’m not working at the agency, recruiting.

I remember walking this dog, Buddy..(super cliche, I know), but his owner wanted Buddy to be walked an hour every morning. It was when the sun was still coming up and the air was still a little brisk so you’d bundle up in layers. Super cozy. I’d bring a book with me. I think at that time I was reading Hemingways, “The Sun Also Rises”. I was able to totally dedicate that entire hour to reading and getting exercise, mixed with some snuggles and puppy kisses. I went through like 3 books in a month. I spent so much time with so many different dogs. Honestly, though I was barely making rent, It was my favorite job.

I think I’ve been battling with myself lately because I’m good at recruiting…it pays all my bills and then some, but I love working with animals. There’s just no jobs out there for me, at entry-level, to work in a shelter or something to that nature and still support myself. I’ve been looking for months. It’d have to be part-time, and it’d have to be something that I didn’t rely on to pay all my bills. I’ve even thought about being a Vet, but the school bills are astronomical and I don’t think I’d want to heal animals like that. I think maybe, I could imagine myself in the future, opening up my own shelter. Running it. Organizing huge fundraisers, marketing events to help animals get adopted. Even if it wasn’t my own shelter, but someone else’s. I think I’d absolutely love that.

How do I go about doing that. My first thought is to work part-time with a shelter. When I really establish myself with the company, maybe they’d give me the opportunity to work full-time at a doable rate. I’d eventually work myself up into a management role, and then from there just keep going. I think maybe this is the time of my life when I need to start taking it seriously and actually making the actions toward it instead of just thinking/talking about it.

It’s going to mean putting in evening hours and weekend hours. It’s going to mean taking time away from personal plans and my own kitties. Maybe I’d only do it on the weekends.

There would be some sacrifice, absolutely, but after transitioning to so many recruiting jobs in the past two years whether they be contract, temp, or perm, I always eventually move on. I feel like I took a 2 year Associates Degree in Recruitment, trying out different systems, processes, and types of recruiting. I’m at the last semester and I’m realizing I chose the wrong major.

I’ve been incorporating so many wonderful, personal, things in my life. Beautiful friends and experiences. Now, professionally, I think I need to do myself a kindness and incorporate more beautiful experiences there instead of just relying on it for money. I want to feel satisfied at the end of the week that i am working toward something that I love.

I think I need to come up with a plan of action.

1. create a bomb ass cover letter that will explain why you have so much recruitment experience and why the hell your transitioning or wanting a chance to become part of the company. Print like 5 copies.

2. Angle my resume toward my compassion for animals. Put my experience at Out-U-Go in there (though it was ages ago). Print like 5 copies.

3. Dress up real nice and on Saturday, go to different shelters and meet with managers. Give them my resume and explain to them what I am doing. Where I’m at in life and what I want.

4. Fuckin pray for a part-time, weekend/evening job.

5. Learn, absorb. Really figure out if this is the right avenue. Go from there.

WISH ME LUCK.

And to people out there, like myself, that have no idea what the fuck you are doing. My heart is with you. I believe we all will figure it out eventually with time. Just wait till you’re ready to make the leap, when it comes to you.