Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty¬† much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

A Letter To My First Love

Michaela,

I never felt the need to write this, but I felt the desire to analyze myself and how far I’ve come. I never will send this to you, because it’s purely for my benefit alone. You have no voice in my life, nor deserve my words. I’ve come a long way since you erupted my life in 2015. You put the balance of my heart in total retrograde, stuck in an abnormal spiral of anxiety and obsession. It took a lot to come out of that. It took a lot to see my self-worth again and develop back into the person I was supposed to be. Confident. Myself. You took a part every part of myself, dissected it, and put it back in the place you saw was fit. You picked at my brain, my clothes, and my emotions until I formed better to you instead of acknowledging that we are two separate people. I never felt so lost, and so desperate to keep you because of it. Without you, I felt like I was no body, because you took my independence from me. You made me share all of the information I had in my soul because of your insecurities, which only grew larger from over-sharing. You made me second guess every word I ever said and feel dread for any fight we would have that day. You didn’t trust me. We never had a relationship, we had a dictatorship. One that without, I wouldn’t be the person I am today; shameless of who I am in a partnership; an individual with my own purpose, understanding, and uniqueness. You made me so uncomfortable that I learned the comfort zone needed to be broken sometimes, but in increments instead of all at once. You made me scream at you. Yell at the top of my lungs, get the angriest I’ve ever been at someone and express it verbally. You broke me. I remember that day, getting up from your bed, walking to the door frame and screaming “You only care about yourself!!!” and slamming the door to leave. I needed that. I think you taught me to fight, but I learned on my own how to do it in a healthy, non-toxic way. You taught me to speak up, but because I was tired of holding it all in. All the negative aspects of that dictatorship brought so many positive things to my life. So many realizations and new thoughts about what I needed in a relationship. I’m glad you came into my life when you did and I don’t regret any of it. If none of that ever happened, I don’t know where I would be at right now. My life changed significantly after you. I am glad that you had to figure out your secret relationship you had with Alex. I knew you guys had more of a relationship than you were letting on. You taught me the worst feeling in the world. Jealousy. The ugliest, slimiest feeling anyone can ever feel and you made me feel it almost every day with the way you’d flirt with your ex-girlfriends and try to pick fights in front of Alex so she’d think that our relationship wasn’t working and how she should save you from it because God forbid you would just end the relationship with me and just be honest. You, Michaela, were both the most influential and the most toxic relationship I’ve had in my entire life time.

Today, I am in my longest relationship I’ve ever had. It’s also my healthiest. We fight, bicker, and speak up about our true feelings, but we do it with ease, understanding, and with love. When we fight, we know we are both in it for the long haul, so we don’t threaten each other with leaving. We stay, and we both trust each other to stay. We both have pasts that we don’t have to share with each other, but if we’d like to, we do, and without repercussions. Without punishment and shame. When we love, we give all our love to each other, with no one else in the picture. We are totally comfortable with just being with each other without the curiosity of being with others. Christina and I are two very different people, and we both make each other feel proud of that. We reflect on those differences and celebrate them, just as we do with our similarities. It feels very good to be with her. Very right.

I’m thankful for our relationship, Michaela, but I wish you the best of luck in your growth, and I hope it stems toward healthier relationships. I hope you can be free of your insecurities to really love someone the right way.
But I’m glad you couldn’t do that for me.