Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty  much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

in a pickle

you know the softball phrase…When you’re stuck in between bases because the person with the ball has the power to throw at both bases equally, causing you to risk jumping for one base over another.

That’s what I’m in, metaphorically.

I’m falling for this girl, Amy, and her friend, Christina, is my ex-girlfriend. Christina says that if me and Amy pursue something that she’d never be friends with either one of us. Personally, I don’t care about our friendship because she’s selfish and annoying, but the girl I like does value that friendship. We’re in a pickle. Except I’m not the one playing the game, I’m on the sidelines rooting Amy on while Christina has the ball to pitch. No matter which way Amy runs there is risk to lose with me or Christina. Another sport phrase, ball is completely in her court.

“Where do we go from here?”  I said (Kind of alluding for her to share her thoughts on the decision she is going to have to make)

“I’ve got plenty of time to think on this plane, but anyway enjoy your Friday, I’ll see you later.”

I broke down. I’m trying to remain positive and optimistic that based on the feelings Amy and I have accumulated that, that would be enough, but I also don’t want to make her resentful towards me with leaving a friend behind FOR me. It’s seriously a pickle.

Advice that I have gotten from a few different people varied. One person said to walk away until it’s the right “time”.  For those of you who know your heart like I know mine, I know that it would just break it. I’m falling for this girl. If I pulled back, I feel like I would have to turn off my switch and be cold, to suppress my feelings. I hate that. I used to do that for a long time in previous relationships and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.

 

I’m in too deep.

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

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The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

flashbacks from drunk nights

So, every weekend after my breakup, I’ve been going out on Friday nights with all my friends, including, let’s call her…Alex. She’s my ex’s friend. They’re not super close anymore, but they’re close enough. But every Friday, I seem to drink too much…I don’t remember how it happens, but I think it’s because people keep buying me drinks and I can’t turn them down.

I kind of alluded to you guys that me and Alex have this weird thing between us. It’s been there since…Halloween? I remember we were standing at the bar at a local gay club. She was dressed like Liz Lemon and I was a Witch, because I have no creativity in me with Halloween costumes. We had been drinking a lot and we were having a heart-to-heart at the bar. She was upset because her ex-girlfriend was already engaged to that girls abusive, ex-girlfriend just shortly after their breakup. If that makes sense, I don’t know. But she was upset.

It kind of took a turn into anxiety and sadness that she felt. She began to cry a little and as I wiped away her tears, I was listening to all the things she was saying with such intent, like the rest of the people at that bar didn’t exist. Or my girlfriend at the time, whom I didn’t realize was staring us down from the opposite end of the bar.

I began to cry a little, feeling so awful for how Alex felt. Alex wiped away my tears and we just looked at each other in understanding. She kept looking down at my lips. Which, she later on, soberly, owns up to saying it was because of my Lipstick looking so nice. lol.

Next thing I knew, my girlfriend at the time, rounded around the bar and confronted us two. She told me she wanted to go home and said she wasn’t happy. I basically was a huge ass and played the whole, “Do you want me to go with you?” card instead of just leaving with her. Mainly because Alex was not in the right sorts to be left alone, and also, I wanted to stay.

My girlfriend at the time had a DUI and couldn’t drink, so she wasn’t enjoying herself and she later told me that the whole time she was staring us down she was thinking that I was confiding in Alex that I didn’t want to be with her. I told her she was so wrong, but now that I remember that night, I remember being unsure as to what to tell Alex when she asked me how her and my girlfriend were doing. Me and Alex took a photo that night and Alex made it her GroupMe Profile pic the next day.

Ever since that night, we didn’t really talk about it. Alex brought it up at New Years and I awkwardly changed the subject and walked away.

So, going back to the past three weekends, this morning I remembered what happened on the first Friday after the breakup, going out with Alex and friends.

I remember Alex asking me something. Like she was prompting me to answer a question about us…or something? I don’t know, we were both pretty drunk. I still can’t remember that part. But I ended up opening up to her about how I felt like there was something between us. She responded that she felt the same way and thought for a moment that she was crazy, because she didn’t realize I felt the same.

This morning I remembered Alex showing me the photo from her GroupMe, that night, and explaining why she made it her profile photo., it wasn’t like a MySpace, “you’re my top friend on my friends list”, kind of thing. It was a, “I did this to remind myself of you”, kind of thing.

I asked, “what now?”

She said, “[your ex] is my friend…”

And just like that people came up to talk to us and our single, most honest talk we’ve had about all this was over like a fucking blink of an eye.

This made me feel good this morning because it reassured me that maybe down the road, Alex is someone that could be special in my life. Lately, we’ve been a little spaced from her and I know she understands why. It’s only been three weeks since the breakup and I have some personal things I’m working through. But remembering that, made me feel good.

looking at my posts objectively for the past year : Holy fuck realization.

This morning, Facebook had a post that I had made a year ago today, in my “memories” page. I took a moment to reflect on how I was back then and where I’ve landed since then. This kind of unleashed a huge reflection on what I was writing about, on here, last year around this day. Then I started following my timeline, counting how many posts I had made about anxiety and depression. I was writing an average of 3 to 4 posts a month. I noticed at least 1 or 2 of them were about my anxiety that I was trying to work through.

Now, I know that there are hard times that you have to work through. But I also know the difference between something more serious. Looking through those posts, objectively, I didn’t really realize till now the trend.

I’ve always known that I had high-functioning anxiety, and that’s why I write. It helps a lot. This kind of anxiety in my posts was consistently about the future. I was so wrapped up in what was going to happen with my life and a lot of it, I had talked about Christina. My anxiety didn’t really peak and soar though until August. Since then it’s been consistent.

I sat here just shaking my head laughing at how obvious it had been that I wasn’t feeling good. That I wasn’t being myself. I was so caught up and instead of realizing that I needed to be alone to figure out my personal well-being I was blaming my anxiety on exterior factors like where I lived, my job, whether or not I wanted to travel the world and get away, etc;

One year ago today, I wrote this,
“I’m scared all relationships ultimately come to an end and if they don’t for some couples, it’s because they’re forcing it out of comfortability and promises that they feel too bad to break”.

That’s really not something comforting to feel before starting a new relationship is it?

I was cynical. I went into the relationship with this view that my relationship with her would end regardless. She deserved better than that.

My point is that when I got into the relationship, I was not ready for it. I didn’t really know what I wanted at all. Out of a job, out of a life style, out of love. This has been playing a big part in my life for a while, hence my relationships never withstanding. She was my longest. I think that’s because she was the best girlfriend I ever had and I knew that, but it didn’t matter at all if I couldn’t love myself because I didn’t know myself.

SO, here I am. One year later and the relationship is over. I feel right about it. Reflecting back on the past year though, I know that I cannot be in any kind of relationship until I have my shit together. Until I can write positive things about myself and my personal discoveries. Until I feel comfortable with love.

Right now, that thing I wrote a year ago, feels just as true.

I feel like I am still a little bit of that person from a year ago. Only this time, I’m ready to live with myself, by myself before I do anything crazy. I know in my heart that I am not ready and I may not be ready for a long time.

I’ll talk to you all later.