Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty  much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

in a pickle

you know the softball phrase…When you’re stuck in between bases because the person with the ball has the power to throw at both bases equally, causing you to risk jumping for one base over another.

That’s what I’m in, metaphorically.

I’m falling for this girl, Amy, and her friend, Christina, is my ex-girlfriend. Christina says that if me and Amy pursue something that she’d never be friends with either one of us. Personally, I don’t care about our friendship because she’s selfish and annoying, but the girl I like does value that friendship. We’re in a pickle. Except I’m not the one playing the game, I’m on the sidelines rooting Amy on while Christina has the ball to pitch. No matter which way Amy runs there is risk to lose with me or Christina. Another sport phrase, ball is completely in her court.

“Where do we go from here?”  I said (Kind of alluding for her to share her thoughts on the decision she is going to have to make)

“I’ve got plenty of time to think on this plane, but anyway enjoy your Friday, I’ll see you later.”

I broke down. I’m trying to remain positive and optimistic that based on the feelings Amy and I have accumulated that, that would be enough, but I also don’t want to make her resentful towards me with leaving a friend behind FOR me. It’s seriously a pickle.

Advice that I have gotten from a few different people varied. One person said to walk away until it’s the right “time”.  For those of you who know your heart like I know mine, I know that it would just break it. I’m falling for this girl. If I pulled back, I feel like I would have to turn off my switch and be cold, to suppress my feelings. I hate that. I used to do that for a long time in previous relationships and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.

 

I’m in too deep.

One of the best days I’ve had in a while

Was yesterday. Slumming it in my pajamas and watching “You” on Netflix. With a few breaks for grocery shopping, and tap shoes shopping, me and Christina spent all day together. It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. No matter what we were doing, we were laughing and just messing around with each other. We decided to take Tap Dancing classes on Wednesday evenings for something new and fun; hence the tap shoes shopping. We couldn’t stop kissing. I don’t know what it was. The down time. The quality time. It just kind of felt like nothing worried us. That no matter what, nothing could tarnish my mood. We baked casseroles, folded laundry, cleaned, put away groceries…the whole time giggling and making faces at each other.

It was one of my favorite days in a long time.