COVID Cruise Control : a rant

I can’t be the only one feeling this way. Like I’m not totally ‘here’, ‘present’, ‘with it’….

I just float through my days without even realizing that they happened, but when I do snap into reality from time to time, I’m anxious. It’s kind of like a coping mechanism I suppose, like my body took over my brain and fogged my thoughts just so I can make it through; getting me to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, but everything else is muted.

I’ve also lost a filter (like totally out the window). For example, I just don’t care how my ‘tone’ sounds to my coworkers (even to Donna, the most sensitive co-worker in the world). If they think I’m being short via e-mail because I just don’t care to add that exclamation point or emoji, I just don’t care. I’m not sugaring for fluffing anything, I’m just being direct (which I kind of like), but I’m also not sure anyone notices because they’re all on edge.

My whole job is just a tense, like… a gross sore (first analogy that came to my mind, ew). It’s just red, and gross, and on the verge of bursting (ew ew ew). Once it does, where will I be?

The uncertainty is the worst part. I’m sure most people hate uncertainty though. Part of me wishes my job was over because at least at that point, I would just know. But I’m trying to steer away from that kind of thinking considering I have bills to pay and need all the positive ‘vibes’ out into the universe as I can muster.

Trust me, I’m thankful I’m employed. I’m in staffing, so I see unemployment every day even without everything that is going on. But sometimes it excites me, the opportunity of being unemployed and having the time to invest into other opportunities. I mean we’re all not just our job right? We have other desires, goals, and dreams that aren’t derived from where we get our paychecks. What if my job ended, and I found one that was both a desire and a paycheck.

I’ve always thought about working with animals on a more serious level. Not a vet…no, but shelters. Maybe in project management, fundraising, event coordination to boost the amount of adoptions. Doing research into better care plans, and other processes.

…Bringing it back, I hope everyone is okay.

Hold on to the ones you love a little tighter and hope for the best.

 

 

being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

The Art Of Living: and making a shit ton of mistakes along the way

I don’t think I really acknowledge the title of my blog in accordance with my real, day-to-day life, and give myself as much compassion as I do my writing. I make a lot of mistakes in my life. I write effortlessly in this blog about them, without even thinking before I type, but in life I beat myself up on every single word I say. I think that’s why I value this medium of self-expression so much because it’s so forgiving and every one of you that follow me, are loyal to the word vomiting of my heart and soul. Well, unless you accidentally followed me and don’t actually read my posts, and maybe forgot to unfollow? Who knows, who cares! I’m grateful to have this sanctuary.

I’ve sought out therapy, for the first time in my life. For the first time, I am making the effort into figuring out everything inside my brain instead of only relying on the interpretations I put into these blog posts. There’s only so much you can write out, to cope, until you have to find some…objective? answers. Answers I’m not just giving myself. I think I’ve always thought I could figure it out myself. That I am independent and that I didn’t need anyone’s help. But the more I write on this blog and understand how I can live a double life, I understand I’m not applying any of the written self-reflections in my day-to-day life like I’d hope. That I’ve become so comfortable with this sanctuary that I haven’t really found one in the life that I live off this computer.

I’d like to hope I’m getting into the next chapter of my life. Not because I started therapy, but because I’m finally at the point of asking for help and learning to be more dependent. I’m learning how to build roots and not just with a place, like signing a year lease at this apartment, but with myself. Trusting myself to stay and work on things instead of just running away. Trust. A huge word for myself since I’ve always been able to give it to other people, but not to my heart.

The next chapter…when I say it out loud, it sounds like such a made-up thing to get us excited for something new. Like it’s supposed to derive some extra excitement out of life to think that you are getting a “new, fresh start” or something to that nature. I’ll take it. It’s one conditioned aspect of life I will gladly keep in my life.

When I broke up with Christina 3 months ago, I went on a walk with my best friend, Amy shortly after. I said, “Amy, I feel like something really great is just around the corner. Like I’m turning a page into the next chapter of my life…” Boy, was I right. It’s like whenever I give myself the chance to feel like I have a fresh, new start, I start making those fresh, new decisions that are positive and impactful in my life. Like quitting that horrible job and staying true to the break up. So, if going to therapy is me saying I’m going into the next chapter, I welcome all the positive decisions that I make in accordance with the saying. I welcome all the positive energy from just saying it out loud.

And I welcome all the trust in myself to do what I need to do.

All of the compassion to say what I need to say, out loud.

 

having the lowest of expectations: sad or the smartest tool for basic human survival?

I know this kind of sounds depressing, sad, and hopeless, but I think it’s been one of the most soothing mantras for myself lately, “don’t expect anything”. The idea came to my head two weekends ago. I hosted a big party at my house, a huge lesbian fiesta filled with margaritas and board games. Everyone was immersed in conversation and the music was really on point. My friend, Sydney, sat down beside me. We don’t talk too much, in fact, I wouldn’t say we are very close. But I think she’s an amazing person. She referred to a piece of poetry by Courtney Peppernell that I have taped up to my mirror in the bathroom. I forgot to take it down.

I like looking at it when i’m brushing my teeth in the morning. I can’t remember verbatim, but it kind of goes like…Happiness is something that you work on. Build it up so much that people see it in your walk. When you hug someone, they feel it in your embrace. Build it up so much so that you have an entire empire. Something to that nature. Sorry, Courtney. I’m working on it.

Well, anyways when Sydney sat down beside me she complimented the piece of poetry. Then she shared with me that having no expectations for anything is the key to being happy. I asked her about her relationship and if she had any expectations for it? She said no. It’s as if she was trying to answer a question that she assumed I was asking myself, like maybe I was thinking the answer is the poetry on my mirror.

Ever since then though I took her advice and have been trying to have lower expectations for everything. For having fun when I go out, to expecting to have a good day at work, to expecting Amy to show affection or emotional reassurance my way on the reg, to expecting my interviews to show up at work, to basically expecting any situation to be a certain way or people to react a certain way.

I think I’ve noticed the most results in reference to Amy. She is on the scale of Autism and doesn’t know how to communication certain things or express how she feels most of the time. She has a difficulty with commitment, and releasing control in certain scenarios. At first, I would get frustrated because I would say something very sweet or affectionate and i wouldn’t get the kind of response that I had hoped for. This would happen all the time to the point where I felt like she didn’t feel the same way. Obviously I knew that she had certain struggles with that side of herself, but I wasn’t getting what I needed and that kind of took over? If that makes sense. My insecurities took over what I knew about Amy. I just let myself get cloudy for a minute.

Since that moment of realization that I was asking for things that couldn’t be given, or at least right away, i took what Sydney said into effect. In turn I feel like it helped me realize that I can’t expect ANYONE to fulfill my needs. I am the person for that. That, if something was meant to be, it’s meant to be. If Amy is able to open up to me eventually with time and patience and it works out, that’s wonderful. If not, that is perfectly fine.

Obviously, I’m human and have slip ups where I really would like signs of interest or maybe just platonic signs of affection. I have to tell myself though that lower expectations in everything make me more at peace. It brings me a sense of….well, that I am strong and that I cannot be disappointed.

I think I’ve been so used to putting forth so much effort to build relationships, maintain them, be successful, prove myself, making myself better faster than I normally should be, etc; Just expecting all these RESULTS. And expectations weren’t meeting up with reality so I was constantly being disappointed. By friends, my work, or in dating.

I think Sydney really taught me something that night.

What you’re good at VS. What you love (Quarter-Life Professional Crisis)

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of one-on-one time with friends that I haven’t seen in a while, planning dinners and drinks and hikes, trips, etc; I’m doing everything that makes me happy and brings me out of this depression that I’ve been working through for the past few weeks. It’s definitely helping, but I think I want to add another thing to my weekly list of plans. Walking dogs again.

When I first moved to Colorado, I had no money and no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I worked at Big 5 for a whole whopping 2 weeks, I did some serving, and lastly, before finding recruiting, I walked dogs for a month. I wrote a whole post about it at some point back then. The therapeutic benefits of it, the physical benefits of it…sure it didn’t pay much at all, but I loved it. I want to get back into it, when I’m not working at the agency, recruiting.

I remember walking this dog, Buddy..(super cliche, I know), but his owner wanted Buddy to be walked an hour every morning. It was when the sun was still coming up and the air was still a little brisk so you’d bundle up in layers. Super cozy. I’d bring a book with me. I think at that time I was reading Hemingways, “The Sun Also Rises”. I was able to totally dedicate that entire hour to reading and getting exercise, mixed with some snuggles and puppy kisses. I went through like 3 books in a month. I spent so much time with so many different dogs. Honestly, though I was barely making rent, It was my favorite job.

I think I’ve been battling with myself lately because I’m good at recruiting…it pays all my bills and then some, but I love working with animals. There’s just no jobs out there for me, at entry-level, to work in a shelter or something to that nature and still support myself. I’ve been looking for months. It’d have to be part-time, and it’d have to be something that I didn’t rely on to pay all my bills. I’ve even thought about being a Vet, but the school bills are astronomical and I don’t think I’d want to heal animals like that. I think maybe, I could imagine myself in the future, opening up my own shelter. Running it. Organizing huge fundraisers, marketing events to help animals get adopted. Even if it wasn’t my own shelter, but someone else’s. I think I’d absolutely love that.

How do I go about doing that. My first thought is to work part-time with a shelter. When I really establish myself with the company, maybe they’d give me the opportunity to work full-time at a doable rate. I’d eventually work myself up into a management role, and then from there just keep going. I think maybe this is the time of my life when I need to start taking it seriously and actually making the actions toward it instead of just thinking/talking about it.

It’s going to mean putting in evening hours and weekend hours. It’s going to mean taking time away from personal plans and my own kitties. Maybe I’d only do it on the weekends.

There would be some sacrifice, absolutely, but after transitioning to so many recruiting jobs in the past two years whether they be contract, temp, or perm, I always eventually move on. I feel like I took a 2 year Associates Degree in Recruitment, trying out different systems, processes, and types of recruiting. I’m at the last semester and I’m realizing I chose the wrong major.

I’ve been incorporating so many wonderful, personal, things in my life. Beautiful friends and experiences. Now, professionally, I think I need to do myself a kindness and incorporate more beautiful experiences there instead of just relying on it for money. I want to feel satisfied at the end of the week that i am working toward something that I love.

I think I need to come up with a plan of action.

1. create a bomb ass cover letter that will explain why you have so much recruitment experience and why the hell your transitioning or wanting a chance to become part of the company. Print like 5 copies.

2. Angle my resume toward my compassion for animals. Put my experience at Out-U-Go in there (though it was ages ago). Print like 5 copies.

3. Dress up real nice and on Saturday, go to different shelters and meet with managers. Give them my resume and explain to them what I am doing. Where I’m at in life and what I want.

4. Fuckin pray for a part-time, weekend/evening job.

5. Learn, absorb. Really figure out if this is the right avenue. Go from there.

WISH ME LUCK.

And to people out there, like myself, that have no idea what the fuck you are doing. My heart is with you. I believe we all will figure it out eventually with time. Just wait till you’re ready to make the leap, when it comes to you.

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

Dr7Br-2UUAAgspk

The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

It Doesn’t Take Long To Change Your Life

One month and 5 days ago I broke up with my long term girlfriend. Since then I’ve embarked on the journey of finding myself again and learning to not only be alone, but live alone too and for the first time. It started off rough…I was lonely on Saturday nights when I saw my long distance best friend going out, on her snap story. I would cry and think of what to do with myself. I would want to go out to a bar by myself, but would end up feeling anxious and deciding to stay home. I had a hard time finding a routine. I was having a hard time not being distracted from myself like I had been for years.

One month and 5 days later, I’ve come a long way. Now, I know how to spend the longest of days by myself. Entertain myself, but also sit with myself in silence. I like doing things now like laying in bed before bed just listening to music. I like sipping my coffee in my new chair, to absolutely no distractions. I like my mindful showers and car rides of talking to myself. I am enjoying my solitude.

Not only have I just started learning who I am alone, I am able to really unwind my mind to determine what things in my life need to stay and what needed to go. It doesn’t come all at once either, but bit by bit. Certain friends and expectations were left behind. Certain routines I had were left behind. One very important thing, my job. I’m still sitting here working, but I hope to hear from my new potential boss today, If I got the new job.

I’ve been able to refresh my entire life without leaving it all behind to move to a new place, like I’m generally used to. I extended my lease even, by a year. I painted a wall in my apartment *gasp, I know!* Even my friends were surprised I decided to stay…which honestly made me feel a little bad. I do move on pretty quickly, but it’s because I know what I have to do. I think my gut knows though that there are too many unresolved things here to just leave.

So, if you’ve been following my blog for a while you know that my job is a suck fest. You are constantly putting out fires and it’s a revolving door. For a recruiter, that’s the worst kind of recruitment. Another thing too is that all my work friends are changing jobs and leaving me. It’s a very negative culture, hence the turnover.

I had the most amazing opportunity to interview with a company that is the polar opposite. They’re downtown, in the heat of the city, they’re modern, progressive, innovative, and the culture is remarkable. It even pays more. The most important thing is that there’s so much opportunity to advance and make a difference. It’s basically my dream job at this point in my life. I should hear some feedback today. I’m anxiously waiting.

If I get this job, I would have detoxed my life from all the negativity and toxic relationships that I have established. Removing a toxic relationship and a bad work environment alters literally every part of my life, professional and personal. It would be such a huge difference.

I’m so ready to leave this place. I’m ready to put everything behind me and move forward with so much more positive energy. I’m ready to step into the next chapter of my life and see where it takes me.

Running with how my intuition feels, I feel like I got the job. I feel like I have the qualifications and the references to get me there. Most of all I feel like I have the personality. I would fit the culture. I know I can do this job and it excites me to even think about it.

Cross your toes for me…

New things are comin