Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.
That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.
Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.
The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.
So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.
Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.
By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.
I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”
The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.
I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.
I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.
I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.
I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.
So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.