Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty¬† much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

My inner Monica…

All my friends know me as the really “nice” friend. The very “generous” friend. The one that will give anyone a ride home from work, even if it’s 40 minutes out of the way. The one that will pay for someone else’s meal even if it’s expensive and I barely have enough money to foot the bill.

Well, lately I feel like I’ve been over-extending myself. I know this because I feel a heightened amount of irritability, especially directed at Christina.

I drive my girlfriend everywhere since she lost her car. I even drive some of her coworkers home sometimes. I pay for all the groceries, most trips to the store. I pay for all the gas that goes into my tank and only got money for it once or twice. I commute sometimes an hour and a half to pick up Christina after work so she doesn’t have to Uber.

I paid our whole rent last month, and half her rent the month before. I paid for our plane tickets for vacation and still haven’t seen the money for that one. I’m also budgeting for our Christmas trip and I don’t think she plans on doing it herself. And I basically spend all my time in the office and in my car, instead of at home doing things that I love. That’s why I’m using this computer at work, unethically. lol. shhh.

By the time I get home, I am irritable because of the long driving and the gas usage, that I can’t really enjoy my night. And by that time, it IS night time. I’ve been trying to tell myself to be more selfish, be less giving, and I never follow through. I give the fuck in. So, I feel like I need to hold myself more accountable for this, like I do with self-care. It IS self-care.

I’ve been feeling my inner Monica side (from “Friends”) come out…highly particular about being on time, things being in their place, reaching my goals, etc; Because I haven’t been lately. There’s no balance for myself.

monica 2

I feel like I need to establish rules for myself to abide by. I need to keep both feet on the ground and focused on what I can do versus what is too much.
Compromise.

1. Hold Christina accountable for rent and future money that I lend.

2. Hold Christina accountable for waking up on time, since I need to be at work on time. If she’s not up, I’m not driving her.

3. I will not pick her up from work or the field anymore. She has to get a bus route configured or get a ride.

4. I will insist on 50/50 for groceries.

5. I will ask for gas money, weekly.

6. I will not give her coworkers rides home either. They quit the next day anyways.

7. Be aware. Be vocal. Stand my ground.

8. Say no.

Picture from:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/17/monica-imposter-friends_n_6700674.html