trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

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The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

My Break from all Social Medias

This was inspired by my blogging bff, Miiesche, who asked the question, “I wonder what it would be like without social media…” (not verbatim, but for the most part that’s what she said). I want to challenge this idea. I think it’s such a great thing to consider, especially when you’re in a transition in life and/or a little lost, like myself.

I had just recently broken up with my long-term girlfriend. I think this is a very vulnerable state where I am more susceptible to reaching out to more people and looking for distractions.

After all, This is my first time being a lone in an apartment and my first time being single in a while. It’s the perfect time to do it.

I think it will help me open up about why it took me so long to be by myself. Maybe it’ll open me up to different parts of myself I never noticed, being distracted. Hopefully it will give me some clarity and some mother fuckin peace. I hope it helps me relax from all the social expectations that are put on people. I want to enjoy a moment without snap chatting about it. I want to focus on one thing at a time, without wanting to check my Facebook to see if I have any notifications or if there are any new cat vids on my feed.

I expect it to be uncomfortable. I expect myself to be bored, sometimes. I expect to go a little crazy. But I think that’s exactly what I need right now.

I want to feed my soul with real life experiences. Ones that I’m not just watching on a screen, but playing out in my own life. Not having these distractions will enable me to do more, physically. Go for a walk. Do some yoga. Read my book. Call a friend. Try some new things. Etc; Etc;

I need this.
Thanks for the fabulous idea, Miiesche.

I’ll write a follow up post(:

January 1st, 2019 : A reflection

Like everyone else, I can’t help but look back at my year and think about how much I’ve changed. How much my life has changed. Where I’m at now and what progress I’ve made.

For starters I am in my longest relationship that I’ve ever had.

I am renting my very first apartment.

I built my credit up from shit to great.

I learned how to recruit and got a full-time, permanent position doing so.

I learned I prefer to be completely, and utterly myself with no apologies.

I have decided that next year (July, 2019) I will be moving to New York.

I adopted two very lovable, precious kitties as part of the family.

I have built up a very strong support system of incredible women.

Life just feels really good, like I’m on track *knock on wood*.
This morning I was just so overwhelmed with love for Christina and how far we’ve come. From that horrible month of October where we pretty much ignored each other, bickered, and cried, to now, feeling secure, supported, and completely in-love with each other. In February it will be a year. It’s a huge accomplishment for me, personally.

Renting this apartment…where I can’t be kicked out, yelled at, and have full agency over… I can never go back. I love having this space where I can come home and not feel like a fucking burden for once. Where I can walk around fucking naked and no one eats the food in the fridge (well, except Christina, but I love her). It just feels great to feel independent, and with Christina.

My credit used to be such shit from maxing out my credit cards from moving and jumping from one temp, contract job to another. Now, they’re completely paid off and I’m actually putting money into my savings account! I have this plan of having a good savings before we move. I actually feel like I can do it! It’s liberating. I also have a fancy 401K. look at me (;

Now that I’m recruiting full-time and permanently, I feel pretty secure. From time to time, I do feel insecure since the turnover here is garbage, but if I left, the other recruiters would be screwed. They kinda need me right now. But it feels good to have a secure job with a reliable pay that allows me to save. I remember in January I just started a job where i was making 320 a week (with taxes taken out). I had to pay $500 in rent and on top of my other bills of like $300 dollars…*computing with horrible math skills* I only had $120 a week to take home for groceries, gas, and savings. Like nothing. On top of that I was living with random roommates that were unbearable.

Learning to be myself, is still something I struggle with, but this past year I feel like I’ve overcome a lot of the worst hurdles of doing so. I learned what felt true to my sexuality. I learned what felt true to my physical expression (outgoing vs. reserved, introverted vs. extroversion, fem vs. masc). I learned that when I just observe and not control my actions, I can learn more about myself than trying to manipulate myself to be a certain way. Taking those observations seriously, I was taking myself seriously. I am still growing though.

The list goes on…

In 2019 I hope to learn even more.

I hope to have this job till at least July, which would be my first professional job lasting an entire year.

I hope to still be with Christina by this time next year, being almost 2 years together.

I hope to be in New York, working a different recruitment position in NYC with a lot more upward mobility and excitement.

I hope to be living in a comfortable one-bedroom apartment in Christina’s home town where we are taking over her brothers lease. I hope that the apartment is furnished and feels like home when we walk in everyday after work.

I hope that I will be so deep into my financial goals and still working on them hard core.

I hope that we build a new support system in New York that makes us feel closer.

I hope for the best kinds of change possible, and when the worst come we can work through them and still be as strong as we are now.

Being Content with Chaos and Consistently Moving Forward

If it’s one thing this job has taught me, it’s to be okay with leaving it whether it being voluntary or involuntary. I think being in temp and contract positions before this, I just really wanted to never recede back into that. Have something long term. This job is like a glorified temp position. You’re told it’s permanent, but with the turnover the way it is, I minus well be temp.

In the first few months, It used to stress me out to tears wondering if I’d have my job the next week. Now, I’ve built a stronger back bone and stronger mind power being okay with things happening if they must.

My dad reassured me with his text, “Smile about things you can’t control and fix the things you can.” Coming from someone…well, well seasoned on this planet, working different jobs and still making it, I took that advice with the biggest grain of salt.

Being appreciative for everything that I’m learning and how I can bring it with me to future jobs, even if there isn’t a future job anytime soon. The plane tickets I’ve been able to buy with this money. The rent I’ve paid with this money. The wonderful adventures I could put me and my girlfriend through.

I think in 2018, I’ve changed so immensely and in a very graceful way. So smooth, I didn’t realize how much until now. Sitting down, thinking of what I was like in January…dating a man I couldn’t love, working my first full-time, perm recruiting job, totally confused about what I wanted and who I wanted to be with. I remember back then, I was trying to fit into the normality of feminism that my best friend was trying to push on to me, since I was dating a guy for the first time in 2 years since I had started dating women.

Now me and her aren’t friends. We grew a apart when we realized that we wanted two separate things out of friendship. She wanted to basically never see me, and be awkward about my sexuality. I just wanted her to spend time with me and get to know my life.

Now I’m working at a better paying, better managed, “glorified temp job”, and have so much more experience from all the shit I’ve been dealt in my last positions.

I’m dating someone I love and have a future with.

I’ve got such a thicker skin with life. I know how to let things bounce off of me, but not hurt me. I’ve learned how to speak up, but be respectful at the same time. I’ve learned that it’s not impossible for one person to make a difference. I’ve learned that life is all about who you spend your time with. Whether it be making extra time with the people that need you, the people you love, and of course, my cats. (:

I have so much excitement in my heart for the end of this year, on into the next. I’m going to New York City to spend Christmas with my girlfriends beautiful, crazy family. Seeing a new place! Going on a Christmas adventure. Then in January starts my extreme savings for us to move there! February will be one year with her. I’ve never lasted this long with anyone in my life, so I’m very proud of my commitment and the love that we have for each other.

I’m very proud of myself for the person that I’ve become.

I heard once that great things come from the most uncomfortable of situations and times

There’s a famous quote floating around somewhere kind of like the title of this post, but I learned it from my old coworker in a meeting he was giving.

The last few posts that I made (and deleted) was a very uncomfortable time. I’m just now coming out of it. I deleted them because I said a lot of hurtful things that aren’t worth remembering or sharing. I said a lot of hurtful things that, yes, I did need to just vent about and put it all out there, but it’s served it’s purpose and as someone who is always growing and evolving, those two posts needed to be left behind.

So, here I am starting a fresh new blog post about what’s come from those horrible few weeks of deep depression, anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion.

I was able to grow out of a cocoon of hatred and cynicism. I was able to feel what I was feeling…really notice it and take it all in. Express it whole-heartedly, not only through writing, but to Christina. To my partner whom of which, those posts themed. I was able to be the most awful part of myself…the most insecure, noncommittal, and flakey part of myself. The most raw honest about the true feelings in my soul. I got it all out and sat with it. I sat with all the pain that I had been holding in for such a long time. Since…high school. The battles I’ve been low key fighting with myself. I felt like I dealt with all of them at once. And when I mean dealt, I mean…I was seriously not myself. I was sitting around stewing, bitter, angry, expressive, explosive…I was a ticking time bomb, and man was that a mother of a goddamn mess.

I needed to feel all of that though. I needed to feel all of it so that I could see that part of myself. I feel like when I’m at my worst, I make the right decisions. Only because when I’m at my worst, I’m being selfish with my time, space, and heart. I give no fucks about anyone because I’m in survival mode. And even in that situation, I still knew that Christina and I were going to get through this. Coming from my worst, I think that shows a lot.

Do you ever feel this sharp ping of guilt and shame though when these kinds of things happen? Your ugly comes out? I felt so much of it that I slipped into a hatred with myself. I slipped into a very very vulnerable state where I just didn’t want to put up with myself anymore. I was tired of it. I was tired of trying to explain what I was feeling and doing things that were not right. I was tired of explaining why my shittiness was so shitty because of the shame. I feel like If I didn’t have plenty willpower, that I would’ve slipped into a pure hatred phase of fuck everyone, like an I don’t care how fucked up I am, I’m just going to be selfish and live my life selfishly kind of state. But I was able to bring myself out of that vanity and into the real world of compassion and growth. My own personal growth.

If you understand what I mean, you understand it can be just as easy as a switch. You flip it and you don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. You become destructive and reckless. Its the most selfish thing a person can do, but your mind plays tricks on you, making you think that this is you being your genuine self. That you’re invincible and unbreakable and your feelings unshakable. When really, you’re just stopping yourself from working on yourself and stopping yourself from having compassion and letting love into your life. Sometimes it can be so hard to flip that switch back up. I feel like I’ve known people who could never flip it back.

I am glad, I never flipped it. It allowed me to really construct what it is about myself that I need to work on more, for myself and for Christina.
SO MUCH that I told Christina to write a list of everything I do that either annoys her or she thinks is something I need to work on as a partner…one part of myself was regretting it, hearing her list some really good points…but then when she was done, I told myself, “Yeah, she’s right and Instead of feeling bad about, I’m going to do something about it”.

So, there’s supposedly five stages to love.
This site explains them pretty well: http://menalive.com/stages-of-love/

That third stage…
“No one told us about Stage 3 in understanding love and marriage. Stage 3 is where my first two marriages collapsed and for too many relationships this is the beginning of the end. This is a period where things begin to feel bad. It can occur slowly or can feel like a switch is flipped and everything goes wrong. Little things begin to bother us. We feel less loved and cared for. We feel trapped and want to escape.

We become more irritable and angry or hurt and withdrawn. We may stay busy at work or with the family, but the dissatisfactions mount. We wonder where the person we once loved has gone. We long for the love we once had, but we don’t know where it went or how to get it back. One or the other partner wants out or sometimes people go on “existing together,” but without really feeling intimate.”

“But we didn’t give up, we kept going. There’s an old adage, “When you’re going through hell, don’t stop.” This seems to be true of this stage of life. The positive side of Stage 3 is that the heat burns away a lot of our illusions about ourselves and our partner. We have an opportunity to become more loving and appreciate the person we are with, not the projections we had placed on them as our “ideal mate.” ”

I think this is part of what had happened in the last couple weeks along with my own bullshit.

Plus side, is that me and her are working through it and I’m more aware of whats going on in my brain and in my heard than it being the foggy mess that it was for all of October.

I have nothing more to say, than Thank fucking God that’s over.