Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty  much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

mind fuck of the day

Do you ever wonder when you look at someone or something, how you perceive them compared to others? LIke outwardly thinking, “I see this, but is this what other people see?”

I often wonder that about people. What they look like, how they present themselves, how they express themselves…

 

I wonder, If we try hard enough we can perceive things the way we want to…

 

When I was incredibly insecure in high school, I won’t deny it, I looked at people and judged them based on their appearance because I was judging myself on my appearance. Now, I look at people and see beauty everywhere. I feel like people are perfect in their own specific way.

 

I believe my perception has changed of others because it’s changed of myself.

 

So, how does this conjecture relate to other perceptions?

 

If we perceive something, does it automatically reflect on how we perceive ourselves? Is there always a correlation?

 

I kind of believe so.

 

I heard once that we (humans) hate characteristics in other people because deep down we hate them in ourselves.

 

Like I hate how people can be inconsiderably late.

Probably because I, myself, hate being late.

 

How can we detach ourselves from others actions? I don’t  think we can. Do you?

I mean we’re constantly talking, engaging, interacting, and being stimulated by other people. So,

I can understand if it’s hard to not be affected by what others do.

 

In meditation practices they say, “perceive shit….but don’t react”.. (exactly like that).

Like…acknowledge what’s going on, but don’t think anything of it. Don’t have any judgments about it. I guess that’s how you’re supposed to be present?

 

Is everyone still with me here? I know this is kind of a rant, but I’m at work and the phone are down and I’ve feelin’ this high vibes shit.  

 

Often, I’m curious about how the human brain works. Sometimes I feel I should’ve majored in Sociology because I love studying groups of people. For some reason I have a fascination with cults, murderers, and other taboo things on this planet.

 

I live in Colorado now and when I moved here, I don’t know why, but I was so fascinated with the Columbine shooting because it happened just down the street from my friends house. I researched it, looked up videos, saw how they put up those two crosses for the kids who murdered the others, but were taken down in a huge confrontation. It was just interesting seeing how people reacted, why it happened, how people perceived it.

 

People in Colorado, don’t care anymore about it. They actually hate to talk about it cause they got so much publicity over it.


The way I perceive this shooting: Intrigue. I’m acknowledging it being so close to where I live and instead of not making judgements, It spirals in my mind with curiosity.

 

Why are people more interested in things than other people?

Environmental factors?

How they’re raised?

 

My dad wrote poetry to my mom in high school, but that never influenced my reason to do it. My dad also wrote on a blog when he was younger, but I also never felt that, that influenced me because he only talked about it twice with me and it was about sports er some shit.

My mom has no writing experience.

 

Why am I a writer?

 

Is it just because our brains are designed to see things differently?

 

It all comes down to perception.

 

I feel like my brains just going around in circles.

burning cigarettes on your arms

trigger warning: Self-harm

Killing two birds with one stone, id kill my lungs and torture my arms at the same time all to numb what I was feeling inside myself. I thought, “If I distract myself physically then my brain would shut the fuck up.” It did. For a second. Then I decided that one second wasn’t worth the scars and the tar build-up. Though, I wont lie to you guys sometimes I want to relapse. Sometimes I want to feel the burning sensation again under my jeans from the scissors I’d use to make shapes with. Sometimes I want the taste of the cigarette to remind me of times when I could find an extra breathe.Sometimes I feel totally destructive and it feels so good. Maybe it’s because it can be so fucking exhausting trying to hold my shit together than instead of healthily releasing and relaxing, I just get impulsive and crazy.

I’m not so much like that anymore, but sometimes I think about it. My mind reminds me sometimes. It reminds me when I get heavily anxious. It jumps directly to substances that could fix my problem. Lately, wine. I’ve been really good though. Just one glass.

I’ve been really good.

I only drink socially. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in four weeks. I haven’t harmed myself in two years.

Does anyone ever feel so incredibly happy, but still think about these things still? Still kind of want to do them? Is it because our brains are still fixing themselves, our hearts still mending? Is it because our mentalities are so weak that even though we’re not as vulnerable to these kinds of things anymore like we used to be, we still have to train our minds constantly not to slip?

Maybe it’s because I never learned how to constructively cope. I just knew I needed to stop and not what to replace it with so I’ve been repressing the emotions scared to deal with them. When they bubble up here and there I only think of how I used to cope. Not to mention I used to know a whole lot of people who would cope with smoking and drinking so it felt like a norm.

“Work was a bitch today, wanna get a drink after?”

“I’m so stressed, come outside and smoke with me?”

I never learned how to cope with anxiety in a productive way. I never learned it in school. I never fucking learned it from the therapist I saw. No one seems to have an answer that trumps substances. I mean they have exercise and do what you love, but when you’re in the biggest funk. In the biggest stress ball you don’t WANT TO DO ANYTHING. When you’ve brought yourself down to the lowest low your motivation is brought with it. Your inspiration may suffer tremendously. Some people with extreme anxiety would get so overwhelmed they couldn’t get out of bed and your solution is to go outside for a run? Is to go pick up that book you started reading? Our brains want a quick fix.

We were never taught in school or in our upbringing how to deviate from the quick fix. We were taught to learn from others. To take a shot of something strong, a long drag of your cigarette, and a blade to your wrist. But do it the wrong way because you just want it to hurt. You don’t want to die. You just want to fucking be happy.

The whole education system on ones mental being is so fucked if non-existant.

They say we need harsher gun laws. WE NEED MORE FUCKING PSYCHIATRISTS. We need affordable ones. We need ones that know the right words and actions. We need ones that won’t just prescribe a fucking pill. Ones that don’t talk down to you. Ones that make you feel like you’re completely sane, but hey, let’s try and work on this together because we’re all suffering a little bit.

So, now when I ask myself, “why do I think about destructive actions even when I’m happy?” it’s because no matter how happy you are, you’ve been influenced to correlate destructive behavior with stress and anxiety. We all know stress and anxiety is so fucking common we probably all have it. People have it worse than others. People get so crazy from it they do insane things not just to themselves, but other people.

So, I don’t think I’m worried about myself at all. I’m worried for the world. I know I will be okay. And I know where these habits are coming from. We all feed off of each other. And sometimes I want nothing to do with this entire planet, yet I still want to be on it.

 

For anyone struggling.

You are fucking strong. Learn how your mind works. Be aware. I so fucking know it’s hard. You are in control of your mind, your conscious. Don’t let the world consume it. Or you will die. It may not be physically, but I’d rather die that way then go mentally insane. This world is fucked up. Let’s try not to fuck up our own.