Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty  much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

trying new (great) things

Have you ever dated someone that was so vastly different from anyone you’ve dated before? In the best way, to the point where you don’t recognize yourself, in a GOOD way?

In a way that you start questioning why you haven’t had this much appreciation for your self-worth before, in other relationships. Or maybe why you haven’t taken things slow to really get to know them on an emotional/personal level first. That shit is like the ultimate prerequisite to better sex, I’m learning.

I think maybe it correlates with the fact that we were friends first, but also with her habits, character, and personality, she’s seriously my lottery ticket. Not only is she so admirable and I adore her, but she makes me want to be a better person on multiple levels and admire my own qualities just as much.

She is the equivalent of practicing self-love on the day-to-day basis, so nurturing and compassionate. Already she has taught me that love doesn’t have to be so black and white as far as expectations go. That you can achieve a new kind of love that is richer and more freeing by stepping out of the societal conditioning that heterosexuality has taught me in my upbringing via my surroundings. That nothing has to have a step-plan, nothing has to be one way or another, it can just <i>be</i>. It feels like sipping on an ice water in 120 degree heat, so refreshing you just want more and more of it.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few months. Distracted as fuck from writing because my heads been in the clouds, happily distracted. I don’t even know what to write about except for her. *barf* right?

I think a major difference from her and my other romantic relationships is that we give each other so much space to grow separately and not just with each other. This is on a physical and emotional level. For example: during the week, we hardly text or talk because we have our own separate goals and things we are focused on. There’s no pressure or expectations for those “goodnight” texts. We touch base here and there with funny stories or little updates…or planning our weekends, but no full-fledged texting conversations. I love it.

When we get to the weekends, we make sure to have planned it out with fun new adventures, hikes, dinners, and relaxing. I feel like every weekend, we go somewhere new whether it be the new restaurant down the street or on a new hike/walk. I know that’s not something that will carry on forever, because obviously you run out of “new”, but we have so much determination and motivation to keep exploring and trying new things that I’m sure we’d get creative. AND WE’RE IN COLORADO (so much to do).

I’m just very excited and very happy.

Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment Theories

Hi, so if you’ve been following, I started seeing a therapist. First time ever doing it and I’ve been battling with anxiety and depression for quite some time. Long story short it got pretty bad to the point where I thought I had to see someone. Once I started, I had so many questions. By the way, if any of you haven’tfor example: heard of TalkSpace, it’s wonderful.

Getting to the point, the therapist I talk to everyday specializes in Attachment Theories. Attachment Theories are the concepts of how we build/maintain relationships with others. I took a very long test to determine that I have what’s called, “Ambivalent/Anxious”. This means that I have trends of anxiousness and inconsistency with my relationships; whether they be partners, friendships, or family members.

Relationships with others has been my main topic with my therapist the past few weeks so we’ve been really nailing down on this attachment style to determine how it plays a part in my everyday life as well as explain things that have happened in the past.

Let me fucking tell you. It explains a lot.

The reason I have this specific attachment style is because of my upbringing. My parents were very inconsistent with showing emotional support, but they were always there financially and physically. I just would never be able to go to them for personal problems I was having because they never were receptive and when they were it was for very short amounts of time followed by the words, “you’re fine”. I was never really able to express myself with them, discuss my problems…for example: when I was in my Sophmore year of high school, I remember like it was yesterday…I was sitting at my desk in m room. My mom came in and saw me crying. I was having an anxiety attack. She wasn’t listening to me so I screamed at her telling her something was wrong. She rolled her eyes and walked away. Since then, she has gotten a lot better, but only because my dad ended up getting immense anxiety from his Doctor giving him the wrong medications causing his body to experience severe anxiety and since then, it lowered obviously from not taking that combination of medications, but it’s still residual with him. My mom learned how to talk to him about it and help him through it. So, she recognizes mine now. About fucking time.

Because of the inconsistent support or lack there of,  it’s caused me to crave it as an adult. In relationships and friendships. It’s caused me to be an “over-sharer”. It’s caused me to lean on my friends and significant others like no other. I believe it’s what has gotten me into writing as a kid.

So, the anxiety portion, I’ve got down and I understand it. The ambivalence side though is difficult.

Ambivalence means to have inconsistent feelings or actions in regards to someone or something. Because my relationship with my parents was super up and down, so are my relationships now. This includes work!

“The second you start realizing that something might or is hurting you, you run. It’s a coping mechanism. You stop depending on those people the minute you start thinking they don’t care or when have paranoid thoughts of them.”

She is spot on.

I CRAVE relationships so much that I leap into them with open arms, but once something bad happens, I begin to think that I’m investing too much into that person just to have them rip it right out from underneath me, feeling like they don’t care.

What am I doing wrong?

Jumping into relationships because I crave having human (the anxious portion of the style), emotional support on a deep level. To have someone I can really talk to. To be vulnerable and emotional with that person,  and vice versa. I should be casually walking into relationships and after getting to know them first.

I leave when I get one bad feeling. I “run” as people say. Instead of working on something and talking about it.This mostly happens with jobs..like my last job. My boss came in saying that people we were most likely going to get fired. I had walked into work that morning feeling more invested as ever, but once I heard that there was a possibility for my boss’s boss to think I am invaluable to the company, I took control of the situation and left before they could hurt me first. I have absolutely no problem in walking away. It shouldn’t be that easy.

It really shouldn’t be that easy.

I’m going to say that my inconsistent upbringing via moving my whole life also plays a small part in this and not just my parents. Ya know, that military brat life. Leaving close friends without getting to say goodbye.

Interesting point right here (and totally off topic to my last point), my therapist told me that the highest amount of couples are “secure” and “secure” (Obviously, both are healthy AF and had great emotional/physical/mental upbringings to shape them into having stable relationships yippee) But the second top style for couples today is “Anxious/Ambivalent” and “Avoidant” because they balance each other out. Anxious/Ambivalent craves relationships while “Avoidant” does not. They compliment each other which causes them to work out second best.

So, your attachment style never changes. You just have to learn how to adjust…be aware and work on it, especially if you have a partner.

I thought I would inspire all of you to figure out your attachment style and learn a little bit more about yourself.

 

having the lowest of expectations: sad or the smartest tool for basic human survival?

I know this kind of sounds depressing, sad, and hopeless, but I think it’s been one of the most soothing mantras for myself lately, “don’t expect anything”. The idea came to my head two weekends ago. I hosted a big party at my house, a huge lesbian fiesta filled with margaritas and board games. Everyone was immersed in conversation and the music was really on point. My friend, Sydney, sat down beside me. We don’t talk too much, in fact, I wouldn’t say we are very close. But I think she’s an amazing person. She referred to a piece of poetry by Courtney Peppernell that I have taped up to my mirror in the bathroom. I forgot to take it down.

I like looking at it when i’m brushing my teeth in the morning. I can’t remember verbatim, but it kind of goes like…Happiness is something that you work on. Build it up so much that people see it in your walk. When you hug someone, they feel it in your embrace. Build it up so much so that you have an entire empire. Something to that nature. Sorry, Courtney. I’m working on it.

Well, anyways when Sydney sat down beside me she complimented the piece of poetry. Then she shared with me that having no expectations for anything is the key to being happy. I asked her about her relationship and if she had any expectations for it? She said no. It’s as if she was trying to answer a question that she assumed I was asking myself, like maybe I was thinking the answer is the poetry on my mirror.

Ever since then though I took her advice and have been trying to have lower expectations for everything. For having fun when I go out, to expecting to have a good day at work, to expecting Amy to show affection or emotional reassurance my way on the reg, to expecting my interviews to show up at work, to basically expecting any situation to be a certain way or people to react a certain way.

I think I’ve noticed the most results in reference to Amy. She is on the scale of Autism and doesn’t know how to communication certain things or express how she feels most of the time. She has a difficulty with commitment, and releasing control in certain scenarios. At first, I would get frustrated because I would say something very sweet or affectionate and i wouldn’t get the kind of response that I had hoped for. This would happen all the time to the point where I felt like she didn’t feel the same way. Obviously I knew that she had certain struggles with that side of herself, but I wasn’t getting what I needed and that kind of took over? If that makes sense. My insecurities took over what I knew about Amy. I just let myself get cloudy for a minute.

Since that moment of realization that I was asking for things that couldn’t be given, or at least right away, i took what Sydney said into effect. In turn I feel like it helped me realize that I can’t expect ANYONE to fulfill my needs. I am the person for that. That, if something was meant to be, it’s meant to be. If Amy is able to open up to me eventually with time and patience and it works out, that’s wonderful. If not, that is perfectly fine.

Obviously, I’m human and have slip ups where I really would like signs of interest or maybe just platonic signs of affection. I have to tell myself though that lower expectations in everything make me more at peace. It brings me a sense of….well, that I am strong and that I cannot be disappointed.

I think I’ve been so used to putting forth so much effort to build relationships, maintain them, be successful, prove myself, making myself better faster than I normally should be, etc; Just expecting all these RESULTS. And expectations weren’t meeting up with reality so I was constantly being disappointed. By friends, my work, or in dating.

I think Sydney really taught me something that night.

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

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The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

flashbacks from drunk nights

So, every weekend after my breakup, I’ve been going out on Friday nights with all my friends, including, let’s call her…Alex. She’s my ex’s friend. They’re not super close anymore, but they’re close enough. But every Friday, I seem to drink too much…I don’t remember how it happens, but I think it’s because people keep buying me drinks and I can’t turn them down.

I kind of alluded to you guys that me and Alex have this weird thing between us. It’s been there since…Halloween? I remember we were standing at the bar at a local gay club. She was dressed like Liz Lemon and I was a Witch, because I have no creativity in me with Halloween costumes. We had been drinking a lot and we were having a heart-to-heart at the bar. She was upset because her ex-girlfriend was already engaged to that girls abusive, ex-girlfriend just shortly after their breakup. If that makes sense, I don’t know. But she was upset.

It kind of took a turn into anxiety and sadness that she felt. She began to cry a little and as I wiped away her tears, I was listening to all the things she was saying with such intent, like the rest of the people at that bar didn’t exist. Or my girlfriend at the time, whom I didn’t realize was staring us down from the opposite end of the bar.

I began to cry a little, feeling so awful for how Alex felt. Alex wiped away my tears and we just looked at each other in understanding. She kept looking down at my lips. Which, she later on, soberly, owns up to saying it was because of my Lipstick looking so nice. lol.

Next thing I knew, my girlfriend at the time, rounded around the bar and confronted us two. She told me she wanted to go home and said she wasn’t happy. I basically was a huge ass and played the whole, “Do you want me to go with you?” card instead of just leaving with her. Mainly because Alex was not in the right sorts to be left alone, and also, I wanted to stay.

My girlfriend at the time had a DUI and couldn’t drink, so she wasn’t enjoying herself and she later told me that the whole time she was staring us down she was thinking that I was confiding in Alex that I didn’t want to be with her. I told her she was so wrong, but now that I remember that night, I remember being unsure as to what to tell Alex when she asked me how her and my girlfriend were doing. Me and Alex took a photo that night and Alex made it her GroupMe Profile pic the next day.

Ever since that night, we didn’t really talk about it. Alex brought it up at New Years and I awkwardly changed the subject and walked away.

So, going back to the past three weekends, this morning I remembered what happened on the first Friday after the breakup, going out with Alex and friends.

I remember Alex asking me something. Like she was prompting me to answer a question about us…or something? I don’t know, we were both pretty drunk. I still can’t remember that part. But I ended up opening up to her about how I felt like there was something between us. She responded that she felt the same way and thought for a moment that she was crazy, because she didn’t realize I felt the same.

This morning I remembered Alex showing me the photo from her GroupMe, that night, and explaining why she made it her profile photo., it wasn’t like a MySpace, “you’re my top friend on my friends list”, kind of thing. It was a, “I did this to remind myself of you”, kind of thing.

I asked, “what now?”

She said, “[your ex] is my friend…”

And just like that people came up to talk to us and our single, most honest talk we’ve had about all this was over like a fucking blink of an eye.

This made me feel good this morning because it reassured me that maybe down the road, Alex is someone that could be special in my life. Lately, we’ve been a little spaced from her and I know she understands why. It’s only been three weeks since the breakup and I have some personal things I’m working through. But remembering that, made me feel good.

I feel like…what the fuck just happened

It’s Friday and today I realized that my life may change drastically. I’m also very dramatic. Today might be the day when I decide to break up with my girlfriend. Our anniversary is Sunday. Horrible timing, but life has a funny way of doing that to us.

I’ve looked up every article, every Youtube video to give me advice on if this relationship is supposed to end or not. I am seeking proof that the decision I make is the right one. I am stuck on this seesaw of work at it and jump ship. The reasons on each side aren’t stupid either, they’re legitimate reasons. I mean, questioning the relationship at all, is that a bad sign?

Something has been happening to me the past few months. A lower sex drive, that I’ve been blaming myself for internally. Higher anxiety and depressive moods, which can lead to point A. Irritability and annoyance with my girlfriend and just about everything that she does. It sounds like this is a “me” problem…right? Like maybe there is something in my life that is making me this way.

I feel like I’ve been very impulsive lately. Wanting to adopt another cat the same day I dream up the idea, dropping $700 on a wim for a new couch just like that without anticipating it, buying a plane ticket spontaneously one day for the next day, to go home. Deciding that I want to quit this job and go on a massive job search only to decide to stay. Now this. Deciding that maybe Christina and I aren’t supposed to be together.

Why am I so impulsive.

Is it part of a mental illness? Is it a side effect of being functionally depressed? Is this just my character…? Is it my heart telling me what to do and me following it, instead of listening to my brain in the mix?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

That’s the scariest part. I have no answers and I don’t know where to find them.

Outlining the major topic of this post is that, I am deliberating breaking up with my girlfriend. Reasons include:

1. I’m no longer attracted to her sexually. We do not have sex anymore and I know she wants to, but I just don’t want to be touched.

2. Everything she does annoys me. Her mannerisms, the way she talks, her hygiene, etc;

3. She has so much she needs to do for herself and I’m tired of giving so much to help her. She needs to grow up some more and I feel like I don’t have the time to deal with it, on top of my own growing up.

4. She is so sensitive and needs a lot of attention and reassurance. I always feel guilty for sharing harsh thoughts and emotions because she can’t take it.

5.She’s irresponsible with her life. Legalities, money, deadlines, work, etc;

6. Her work is a whole other story. I hate her work. Her work schedule, how she’s commissioned, her hours. She can be so unreliable and I find myself not supportive of her end goal professionally. I want to be, but I can’t.

7.I don’t know if I can see a future with her anymore.

Maybe I want to think about what it’d be without her. How would my life be different without all these added things in my life on the day to day.

1. No pressure to have a sexual relationship with someone, I don’t feel it with.

2. Getting rid of irritable things in my life that I see everyday.

3. I could be selfish. I wouldn’t have to drive her to work in the morning and have a longer commute. I wouldn’t have to worry about taking her to her DUI classes on Saturdays and her random drug screenings. I wouldn’t have to push her out of bed in the morning to get to work on time. I won’t have to worry anymore if she’s packing lunch or washing her clothes or like anything. I would just worry about myself.

4. It would relieve the pressure of holding things in. It would relieve the pressure of making sure this relationship stays…okay.

5. It would release my natural emphatic feelings of anxiety she gives off. Having her bench warrant squashed, her not doing her online classes, missing court payments, making enough money for rent or being able to help split grocery bills or fun things that we’d like to do.

6. I won’t feel disappointing when she bails on plans because of work or that she’s going to be home late. I won’t have to meet employee after employee knowing damn right I may not ever see them again, but she will spend so long talking about them. It makes me so disinterested in listening her talk about work. I stopped caring. I won’t have to listen to her go back and forth bitching about her job she just won’t quit already because she’s brainwashed. I won’t have to pretend anymore to support the toxic environment she works in. Even though I’m a hypocrite and work in one myself…

7….

So, now that the public knows my dirty laundry, and not me personally, it feels like I have some kind of weight lifted of my shoulders like, “there…I’ve said it”, but I still don’t feel good.

I love her.

I just don’t know if I can love her the way she needs me to.