Changing your Belief System – Love

Its been a year developing feelings for this girl. A nice year, taking our time and just seeing where things will go. It’s come to the point where I’m realizing the feelings are cutting deeper and deeper into that “L” word territory (no gay pun intended). Although I’ve dated other women in the past 5 years, none have been deep enough to qualify as something that I would see going into this kind of love. I’ve never felt this kind of love before, but the closest its ever been was with my first love, 5 years ago, totally toxic and just so wrong on so many levels.

That love wasn’t the good kind, but it’s all I’ve known. So, as I’m getting into this very new, healthy, loving love with my current person all of the shitty beliefs of ‘love’ are boiling up from my very first, not great love. (how many times can I say love in one sentence?).

let me explain…her name was Michaela and at every turn she did anything she could to make me jealous with her ex, would say that she didn’t want to be ‘girlfriends’ with me, didn’t want anything official, was building an emotional relationship with some girl that she said was “nothing” (she eventually cheated on me with her and dated the girl for like 2 years, so.). Case and point, she was the worst of the worst, but I would have done anything for her. I “LOVED” her. I put her on a pedestal and pretty¬† much worshiped the shit out of her. Why? She was my first girlfriend, the first time I realized what feelings actually were instead of the fake ones I had for men…she was great when things were great! She did have a lot of wonderful qualities, and I focused on those instead of all the red flags. I would explain to my friends how they weren’t red flags.

So, here I am.

Falling truly in love for the first time since then, but with someone who makes me feel special, is honest, respectful, communicative, affectionate, fulfills all my needs, is independent, confident in herself, and all-around just an amazing friend/person. She’s probably the most genuine and true person I’ve ever met (I always think to myself how lucky I am, because people like THIS don’t come around often). But here I am, anxious, afraid, waiting for something bad to happen. For her to tell me I’m not enough, for her to cheat on me, for her to want to leave because I communicate hard feelings, all because of Michaela putting the beliefs in my head that, that is what ‘love’ is like.

But it isn’t and logical me knows that. Subconscious me, is still trying to believe that.

Right now, I’m trying to re-wire my brain, re-train it on what love actually is and hopefully do so without losing her in the process. But that’s another thing right there…if she’s real love, she will stay and love me through my faults. Which, as of Sunday night, she understands this is one of them. She took it so well, but then after the phone call I instantly thought “Oh no, maybe I overwhelmed her. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m stable enough for a serious relationship. Maybe she’ll leave” in which I tell myself “STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!” so loud I hope my subconscious gets scared of my internal monologue, so it would just stop believing in all the BAD stuff! It doesn’t work like that.

I’m starting to learn (through therapy) that your subconscious is like a whiny little baby. You have to train it, and keep training it. You can’t just raise a child expecting it to know what to think, you have to nurture it, give it positive affirmations, coach it through hard times, and all that other cheesy shit.

My subconscious is like a teenager. One foot in and one foot out of everything, self-love, discovering itself, learning how to be an adult. I mean, I’m 25, but I don’t think we ever have a definitive age where *boom* we’ve got the answers to everything…the last level of intelligence is unlocked! I just so happen to be learning what real love is, what attachment is healthy, etc; I think that also plays a part of how I was raised by parents that were too young to be emotionally involved in their kids lives.

Long story short, I got just got some crooked ideas of what a secure attachment looks like, from Michaela and my parents, that all of it is bubbling up now that I have these crazy, love feelings for Amy.

I think its good though…It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit, but uncomfy means growth and if I can grow into a better person from this chapter of my life and make me a better partner, then that’s what I need to happen and I will embrace it.

 

But yeah, I’m falling so hard for Amy. Subconscious says ” I hope she’ll catch me”, but I’m choosing to believe that she will.

new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process¬† them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

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The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

A Letter To My First Love

Michaela,

I never felt the need to write this, but I felt the desire to analyze myself and how far I’ve come. I never will send this to you, because it’s purely for my benefit alone. You have no voice in my life, nor deserve my words. I’ve come a long way since you erupted my life in 2015. You put the balance of my heart in total retrograde, stuck in an abnormal spiral of anxiety and obsession. It took a lot to come out of that. It took a lot to see my self-worth again and develop back into the person I was supposed to be. Confident. Myself. You took a part every part of myself, dissected it, and put it back in the place you saw was fit. You picked at my brain, my clothes, and my emotions until I formed better to you instead of acknowledging that we are two separate people. I never felt so lost, and so desperate to keep you because of it. Without you, I felt like I was no body, because you took my independence from me. You made me share all of the information I had in my soul because of your insecurities, which only grew larger from over-sharing. You made me second guess every word I ever said and feel dread for any fight we would have that day. You didn’t trust me. We never had a relationship, we had a dictatorship. One that without, I wouldn’t be the person I am today; shameless of who I am in a partnership; an individual with my own purpose, understanding, and uniqueness. You made me so uncomfortable that I learned the comfort zone needed to be broken sometimes, but in increments instead of all at once. You made me scream at you. Yell at the top of my lungs, get the angriest I’ve ever been at someone and express it verbally. You broke me. I remember that day, getting up from your bed, walking to the door frame and screaming “You only care about yourself!!!” and slamming the door to leave. I needed that. I think you taught me to fight, but I learned on my own how to do it in a healthy, non-toxic way. You taught me to speak up, but because I was tired of holding it all in. All the negative aspects of that dictatorship brought so many positive things to my life. So many realizations and new thoughts about what I needed in a relationship. I’m glad you came into my life when you did and I don’t regret any of it. If none of that ever happened, I don’t know where I would be at right now. My life changed significantly after you. I am glad that you had to figure out your secret relationship you had with Alex. I knew you guys had more of a relationship than you were letting on. You taught me the worst feeling in the world. Jealousy. The ugliest, slimiest feeling anyone can ever feel and you made me feel it almost every day with the way you’d flirt with your ex-girlfriends and try to pick fights in front of Alex so she’d think that our relationship wasn’t working and how she should save you from it because God forbid you would just end the relationship with me and just be honest. You, Michaela, were both the most influential and the most toxic relationship I’ve had in my entire life time.

Today, I am in my longest relationship I’ve ever had. It’s also my healthiest. We fight, bicker, and speak up about our true feelings, but we do it with ease, understanding, and with love. When we fight, we know we are both in it for the long haul, so we don’t threaten each other with leaving. We stay, and we both trust each other to stay. We both have pasts that we don’t have to share with each other, but if we’d like to, we do, and without repercussions. Without punishment and shame. When we love, we give all our love to each other, with no one else in the picture. We are totally comfortable with just being with each other without the curiosity of being with others. Christina and I are two very different people, and we both make each other feel proud of that. We reflect on those differences and celebrate them, just as we do with our similarities. It feels very good to be with her. Very right.

I’m thankful for our relationship, Michaela, but I wish you the best of luck in your growth, and I hope it stems toward healthier relationships. I hope you can be free of your insecurities to really love someone the right way.
But I’m glad you couldn’t do that for me.

No Roots No Problem

One thing I really love about myself is that I don’t necessarily plant roots with any specific places. I mean, if you follow my blog, you probably have noticed I have commitment issues. I blame it on my military brat lifestyle I grew up in. I am still actively working on my commitment hardships in my relationships and with myself, but being non-committal with places I’ve lived is actually quite useful. The only roots I develop in places is building friendships and relationships. I don’t have personal connections with homes, or scenery…at least not since 10 years ago when I lived in Germany and had to move in result of my Grandmothers cancer. It was the only place I considered “home”.

My point being, in all of this, is that Christina and I need to know by December 3rd whether or not we will be renewing our lease at our current apartment complex. Her job may take her to New York. I had already told her that I would go anywhere she wants to go and the thought of relocating is so exciting. It’s my favorite thing to think about right now. I’ve never been to New York. I’ve never been to New York City for frick’s sake. I think it would be remarkable to live there for a little while. Her family lives there. It’s 12 hours closer to where my family is located than from here in Colorado. It will be a new adventure.

Plus…like I said, I have no roots here. Some good friendships, yes, but if they’re great it won’t matter where I am.

I don’t know if any of you recall from my very first posts, but I originally moved to Colorado to be closer to my childhood friend from Germany, Hannah. Our friendship has dissipated and completely eroded in the past few months. She just doesn’t make time for me anymore and it’s always been an issue. It peaked when she couldn’t make it to my birthday, or even my surprise party. Even for half an hour. She couldn’t find the time in her priorities…or make me one. I think that taught me a huge lesson in friendships and getting older.

No matter how much closer you get to someone, physically, the friendship is only as great as the emotional distance. I guess I didn’t realize how much that lacked until a few months ago. I started unraveling other times before when I let it slide.

My ability to not make roots in places has also expanded to friendships. In a way that I don’t hold onto people like I do with books or photos. I no longer hold on to them for the good memories. I let them go, understanding that they have made their place in my life but it’s time for them and I to move on.

I guess I used to hold them so dear because when I kept moving, it was all I had left. Even if they weren’t great in the first place. Even if I was begging for their time, or they flaked out on me because they didn’t feel like spending time or having a 30 min phone conversation to catch up.

Christina asked me who I’d want my bridesmaids to be when someday I get married. My honest answer was that I didn’t want any of my current “friends” to be my bridesmaids. I couldn’t imagine anyone up there with me, except my mom. The one person that has always trusted her gut and shared it with me when it came to the people in my life. The one person that even though we’ve had the rockiest of communication issues, was the most supportive and always there for me.

I guess one question I have for myself writing this is, at what point is it unhealthy to not form roots? Is it normal for age to stagnate growth in dependence on people and places? Or is it that when I get to a certain age, that’s when I should be forming roots and I just haven’t gotten to that point yet? Maybe this is how I should be until I know it is right for me. The right friends. The right place. The right job.

I feel like the only consistent commitment in my life is Christina. The only part of my life I don’t want to separate from or change. The only relationship that has survived this long.

Maybe it all goes up from here and she is the first piece of the puzzle.

Everything is Temporary

This morning I was listening to a podcast, “Kalyn’s Coffee Talk” and in one episode she was talking about how everything is temporary. I was already in a good mood this morning, but this podcast made it even better because it changed my perspective on some life things, for me.

Like, instead of trying to force myself to “be present”, I am going to just remind myself to handle not being present, by telling myself that everything is temporary.It helps to understand why I need to be present than to just tell myself to do it.

After all, every moment will come and go. Every stressor will come and go. Every feeling of sadness and every feeling of love will come and go. There’s no use getting held up in moments when they come and go so quickly. Just embrace them and watch them go as they sail on by. Appreciate them.

I feel like I have a hard time, when I’m trying to hold on to moments because I don’t want them to slip away. And I’m sure you’ve all heard that the tighter you hold on to something the faster it actually fades. I think I forget that happiness will come again. That pleasure will come again. I’m scared to lose it and it’s almost like I told myself to search for happiness in every single moment. Almost like I trained myself to force out sadness. Which suppresses my true feelings and emotions and thus explosion…I think it really helps me realizing that, personally.

Everything is temporary.

I think a big problem is that we worry about something until something else happens. For example: I worry about not reaching my financial goals i.e paying off my credit card, but when I get my paycheck at the end of this month, those worries will dissipate because that’s when I’ll have the money to do so. It’s like my worries have a timeline.

I think, how I need to re-shape my thoughts is to think that I am content even if I don’t hit my goals. Say, I get laid-off, because this company is known for randomly firing people. So, I don’t hit my goal that I have. What will I do.

Fucking live.
I will find another job and restructure my goals to pay off my credit card on another date.

Let’s say I get laid off and can’t make bills. I have a support system that will be there for me until I get a new job, which I wouldn’t waste any time on.

The world will not end.

All our worries are temporary.

Something weird I do is that when I have a worry, I imagine the worse case scenario. Then I work out a process in my head as to how I would work it out. There’s always a process. That’s because everything can be fixed. Most things, at least.

Once I do that, I ask myself, “what if everything works out?” I imagine the best case scenario. That helps sometimes.

Sometimes, I write down positive affirmations to the universe like, “I will have this job till at lease December, for me to meet all my financial goals that are projected to be met by then.” It’s like instead of asking the universe, I tell it. Of course…anything can happen, but confidence and mantra’s really do make a big impact on how I handle stress.

So…Here’s an agreement to myself, that I will also write down on a piece of paper and put somewhere I will see it everyday…

1. I can work through anything. Any obstacle, any challenge. I have options and I have a support system.

2. No matter what, I will reach my financial goals. Whether it be in a couple weeks or a couple months. I will be patient and not worry about things I have no control over at the present moment.

3. I will let the sad moments come and go just as I will with the happy ones. I am human and cannot control what I permit into my mind. I just have to be aware of it, and appreciate that everything is temporary. Be aware that more moments will come.

4. Remember the love that is often taken for granted because of the moments I hold on to. The sad and angry moments I hang on to that get in the way of the happy ones, especially.

5. Christina is a living, breathing person. She will not be on the planet forever. She could leave at any moment because it’s her time. Don’t waste that time. Again, don’t let the sadness and anger of other moments intrude on the moments of happiness and pleasure that you deserve to have with Christina.

6. Remember this feeling of calm that you feel in your body and mind. Remember it when you forget that times are temporary. That you deserve to be happy and that you can work through anything.

7. Everything is Temporary.

Live What You Love

I have this bracelet that I have been wearing for months now with that saying on it. I took it off today after staring at my computer for the last 5 hours of my work day. I took it off and looked at it, waiting for the words to sink to. Waiting to find some inspiration or meaning from the words on the bracelet, that when I had first bought it, felt.

I think I may have forgotten…even with it hanging from my wrist everyday.

What kind of life would I love? What kind of actions should I take to make sure i’m living for what I love? I don’t know why, but those questions are really hard to answer for me. They perplex me because I don’t know what that means, either that or I don’t want to come face-to-face with what it means, because it would mean change. Maybe change that could hurt at first.

If I want to live the life that I love…
I think being true to myself falls in that realm. I think that starts with how I express myself externally. With my behaviors, actions, and personal choices. The kinds of behaviors and actions that would make me love my life is being passionate and creative. Being in tune with the creative outlets in my life so much that they take over my free time. That I can’t get enough of them and I want to keep feeding them and growing. Being passionate to talk about them out loud with my friends and family. To not feel like they are dumb or that I am not good. Be prideful of my passions. In more depth, living the life I love would mean writing more. Maybe writing something larger than a blog post. A story. Work on it everyday, no matter how much my brain tries to tell me it sucks.

Behaviors…I feel best when I am bubbly. When I am goofy and expressive. When I am fun and outgoing. When I’m laughing and smiling. What causes me to be my best me, is to feel accomplished and secure. To feel like all my needs are being met. I am recharging sufficiently and I’m taking care of myself.

Actions…What actions can I take to make sure I’m living the life that I love. Other than keeping up with my passions, and keeping myself upbeat and recharged when I can, I feel like actions i need to take would be to spend quality time with friends. I’m developing a support system here that is starting to be near and dear to my heart. Being able to move my body, in hiking or yoga, feeds my soul. The actions I need to take, need to have a part in my physical wellbeing. Something about nature too…really restores me. Whenever I come back from it, I feel refreshed. I need to remember that too. If only they had a bracelet with that.

Expression… what can I be doing in expressing myself, through dress, style, and mannerisms, to help myself live the life that I love…
I feel best, when my clothes aren’t too tight. When they fall off my body a little more relaxed. I like when I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing and how it affects the male gaze, (though it shouldn’t because #2018, I can’t help but want to avoid it at all costs). I like dressing more neutral, with more blacks and whites and grays. I like being more masculine and covered. More androgynous to be more particular. I think I want to separate myself a little bit from the fem normalities of my gender, and of this conservative company I’m working for, and be more expressive of what’s going on inside.

My job…because how could I not include this when I spend 160 hours a month here. I have to consider whether or not my job is helping me live the life that I love. For this post and my well-being. It eases myself now that I’ve trained myself to think that if I lost this job, I would be okay. That I don’t need it, because I always used to feel like I would lose it. There’s a lot of “critical conversations” that happen around here in this company that acts on emotions. Now that I’m reaching my financial goals, if I was to be laid off because the owner doesn’t like me, I’d be financially stable to do so. The job does still stress me out though. I feel anxiety everyday from this job. So, no it doesn’t give me joy. It does not make me feel like I’m living the life I love, except that I make good money. That may be something I need to change soon, if I do not feel like it gets better…after all that’s 160 hours a month I’m devoting to something that makes me sad and tired and anxious.

Last, but certainly not least, My relationship with my Girlfriend…Does she add love into my life? This one is pretty simple. She is my partner and my best friend. Through everything. I feel like we are going to go a very long way with each other. There is so much love and understanding in our relationship that I would have to say, Yes. She only brings more great things into my life, despite any stressors we face together.

To all of you, What is a Life That You Love?

Are you living it?