new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to process  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

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The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

My inner Monica…

All my friends know me as the really “nice” friend. The very “generous” friend. The one that will give anyone a ride home from work, even if it’s 40 minutes out of the way. The one that will pay for someone else’s meal even if it’s expensive and I barely have enough money to foot the bill.

Well, lately I feel like I’ve been over-extending myself. I know this because I feel a heightened amount of irritability, especially directed at Christina.

I drive my girlfriend everywhere since she lost her car. I even drive some of her coworkers home sometimes. I pay for all the groceries, most trips to the store. I pay for all the gas that goes into my tank and only got money for it once or twice. I commute sometimes an hour and a half to pick up Christina after work so she doesn’t have to Uber.

I paid our whole rent last month, and half her rent the month before. I paid for our plane tickets for vacation and still haven’t seen the money for that one. I’m also budgeting for our Christmas trip and I don’t think she plans on doing it herself. And I basically spend all my time in the office and in my car, instead of at home doing things that I love. That’s why I’m using this computer at work, unethically. lol. shhh.

By the time I get home, I am irritable because of the long driving and the gas usage, that I can’t really enjoy my night. And by that time, it IS night time. I’ve been trying to tell myself to be more selfish, be less giving, and I never follow through. I give the fuck in. So, I feel like I need to hold myself more accountable for this, like I do with self-care. It IS self-care.

I’ve been feeling my inner Monica side (from “Friends”) come out…highly particular about being on time, things being in their place, reaching my goals, etc; Because I haven’t been lately. There’s no balance for myself.

monica 2

I feel like I need to establish rules for myself to abide by. I need to keep both feet on the ground and focused on what I can do versus what is too much.
Compromise.

1. Hold Christina accountable for rent and future money that I lend.

2. Hold Christina accountable for waking up on time, since I need to be at work on time. If she’s not up, I’m not driving her.

3. I will not pick her up from work or the field anymore. She has to get a bus route configured or get a ride.

4. I will insist on 50/50 for groceries.

5. I will ask for gas money, weekly.

6. I will not give her coworkers rides home either. They quit the next day anyways.

7. Be aware. Be vocal. Stand my ground.

8. Say no.

Picture from:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/17/monica-imposter-friends_n_6700674.html

A List of Everything In The World That Brings Out The Worst In Myself: Without Shame And Judgement.

I watched a video of Russel Brand talking about his new book. He said to make a list of everything in life that made you who you are in the worst of ways so that you can understand yourself and your habits.

Lately I’ve been struggling with the thought of my lack of commitment in work, relationships and my living situations. I feel that today, the first day I’ve had completely to myself and free of responsibilities, suited as the best day to do this.

Come face to face with what cards I’ve been dealt as well as my mistakes that have changed me into the person I am today.

Disclaimer: this list could be very fucking long.

   RELATIONSHIPS

  1. My parents and I couldn’t openly talk about my anxiety making me feel shameful for having it and thus feeling bad for expressing it. My mom looked at me like I was being dramatic when I told her I was having issues with anxiety. She didn’t believe me which always, no matter what, altered my thought process in anxiety. Feeling like I have to prove to people that anxiety is real. Feeling like no one believes me. Feeling insecure of what people think about me and my anxiety.
  2. My first love. The first woman I had true, deep feelings for and she was very manipulative with how I should express myself emotionally, physically, and even sexually. I was controlled in all aspects. I was so deep in love that I couldn’t find the red flags and If I noticed one, I would ignore it. She told me what to wear, what to say, how to say it, and everything in between. The only thing I can say I am grateful of was her persistence in making me as communicative as possible, even if she tortured me for telling the truth through reprimands of passive aggressive comments, telling others, and silent treatment. I’m flawed and have had a past that she couldn’t understand was just in my past.
  3.  I was sexually abused, mentally. I was told that my sexual reactions were bad just because I couldn’t relax enough to orgasm. So much that it takes more time for me to relax with someone when it comes to sex because of my past judgements. I feel insecure with sex, but override it with external confidence because I refuse to stoop back to my old self. I guess that’s my way of working through it.
  4. That first love had unresolved feelings for another girl and had a running track record for being promiscuous. I had never felt that level of anxiety and jealously in my life. I associated those feelings with love and in turn makes me fearful no matter what the facts were. No matter how many times people told me I did nothing wrong and that she was a bad person.
  5. I cheated on Steven. I did this because I didn’t care and because I wanted her so bad. I can’t quite understand why I don’t feel shameful for it. I should feel shame for being unfaithful. I should feel shame for lying to him when he asked if there was someone else. I should feel shame for lying about why we couldn’t be together. BUT I DON’T.  I cannot tell if it’s because I’m inherently selfish or because I knew it truly wasn’t meant to be and I knew it deep down. That I didn’t feel ashamed for making the decision that was going to push me to break up with him. That I needed that push.
  6.  I’m scared all relationships ultimately come to an end and if they don’t for some couples it’s because they’re forcing it out of comfortability and promises that they feel too bad to break

 

I think I’ve come to understand through reading those bullet-points out loud twice…is that I’m settling and when I settle and leave I wonder why it didn’t work out. I am creating these mistakes through the want of happiness that is so impulsive because I’m living in a depression. 

WORK

  1. I have moved every few years growing up making it hard to develop long-term work relationships with people. I feel everyone just leaves. And in the work environment there’s turnovers, lay offs, getting fired etc; I think, whats the point? This makes me feel disconnected from work environments which makes me lose interest in work altogether and I didn’t even realize it till…now. I hate connecting with people just to watch them leave. So, I become sad in my work environment and lose interest. I move into the next position that I find.

 

I think that fucking sums that one up. I need to have faith and enjoy every single day that I have with people even if it’s their last. I cannot just wait or expect someone to leave. Who knows, they may stay and I may build the best connections with those people. Making work worth it.

 

Living Situations

1. I’ve moved seven times in the past year. I’ve moved all my stuff into seven different places. I moved them into open cabinets, drawers, and underneath beds. I nested at some of these places to make them feel like they’re home. Then things just don’t work out. I have to pack up my things again and leave. Reasons include : break up, miscommunication and in turn fighting, roommates that have absolutely no consideration, feeling like a burden and taking up space, and feeling uncomfortable with the person I’m living with.

2. Again, moving so frequently in my childhood made me like new places and change. But its made my mind worn on creating homes so much that I don’t know if it’s possible anymore. I do not think that I can muster up enough heart to create another home out of it. I feel disconnected with that word : home, and what it means. If I ask myself, I don’t think I could describe it.  At least not like I could’ve 10 years ago.

 

I’m searching for something that should just come to me. I should just stop. Just stop moving and let myself grow in one place. Stop searching. I’m depressed because life isn’t like what it used to be and I miss my true home, the one where my family is. I have no control of when this feeling would, if it did, arise. My past has fucked me a little on this etchasketch that is my life’s stability. I understand that. Now I just need to work past it.

 

After doing this all I feel is…acceptance. I feel like I’m ready to start sharing these. Now that I’ve outlined it for myself, I can share it with my current relationships. I’m ready to express myself and explain who I am. I’m ready to move on and embrace my past and create a present life full of good change.