new skin

Do you ever find yourself looking back on the person you used to be, like an old friend you used to know. It’s so weird, when you think about it. You’re reminiscing on old decisions, habits, and people you allowed into you life thinking now “damn, I would never do those things or spend time with people like that ever again”. You were a completely different person, but when you look back you knew that person better than anybody and you still loved her. You’re your own best friend that you don’t recognize much anymore. Maybe it takes some time to get used to, being different. Changing.

This year has been a growing year. It was one big fat growth spurt. I was uncomfortable, grieving my old-self while stretching into a new skin. A skin that I’m learning, some people aren’t okay with and I’m kind of okay with that. I think it shows how much I’ve been letting people walk over my true feelings because I wanted them to like me. 2019 has showed me how to have a healthy balance of being direct/assertive without being aggressive. This year has showed me what a healthy balance means in a relationship, learning that the societal expectations are overrated and we can ask for what we want…that you don’t have to be tied to another person to make it work.

I learned that I have things that I’m working through, they’re very real and valid, and that it’s okay to feel them from time to time, but not to make excuses because of my hurt. That I have an extreme ambivalent attachment style that I need to correct and be compassionate with, in relationships and friendships. That I am not mother fucking perfect and that is a-okay.

I think I’m really enjoying how imperfect I am. It’s refreshing to feel like you can make mistakes and be okay. Its like a huge weight lifted off of you. And for the people that don’t stick around because they cant understand that, that’s how you dissolve the relationships that really don’t have any consistency. The people that stick with you through your fuck ups and have compassion for your journey and wanting to be better, those are your people.

Anyways, this growth spurt put me in the most uncomfortable of positions for months. I left this blog because I fell into a depressive episode that lasted 2 months. It was triggered by a shooting that happened back in my hometown. But it wasn’t the root cause…just a trigger, reminding me that my past life was imploding (sorry, for the choice of words I think the shooting reminded me that everything is temporary, like my past) the episode was a final growth period between holding on to my past and letting it go, knowing someone better was just around the corner (myself). I think we can hold on because of fear or comfort. I was holding on to the anger I had for my parents, out of comfort to have an excuse, about how they raised me to be confused with my emotions/feelings and how to processĀ  them.

I was holding on to this idea that I need to be bubbly still, have my child-like energy, when I was ready to grow out of it and step into a different kind of positivity. A more calm, focused one. I was holding on to memories of old friends, relationships, and times back home. Now I’m only trying to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize every day ahead of me has to offer. Opportunity to make more great memories.

So here I am now. Still kind of adjusting. But I’m enjoying every bit of it.

Every new song that I fall in love with, every new picture of my friends to hang up on my refrigerator, every single kiss with Amy, every new imperfectly perfect mistake I make that sets my world in imbalance for great things to come, for just life.

I’m back and better.

Removing Toxicity in 2019

Hello, bloggers. I know it’s been some time since I posted on here, but frankly I’ve been so busy with life to sit down and record any of it. There has been so much change within the last 2 months to last me an entire year. If you’ve been following my journey you know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend two months ago. That experience has led me to purging all the other unhealthy bits out of my life. I’m very excited to announce that I had quit my job last Friday.

That company was giving me more anxiety than my relationship was. I felt dread leaving work, because I never felt appreciated and would feel bad for leaving when work was still to be done, and I felt dread going to work, knowing all the calls of angry managers I would have to deal with that day. Last Friday was the last straw. I had underwent the most disrespect I had ever experienced in a work place and I decided that I need to prove to myself that I deserved more. So, I packed my plants and said goodbye. So, I was in shock the entire weekend. I was filled with so much anxiety thinking of my bills that needed to be paid, and I felt stupid for quitting.

Little did I know what would happen next. The second day of my unemployment I landed a new job. It pays less, but it saves me 8 hours in my commute a week, saves me so much more stress, and it seems like the perfect fit, culturally. It’s an all women company where their retention of employees is wonderful, making me feel like this is a place I can ground roots in.

The owner of the company offered me the position on the spot, which to my knowledge, based on one of the recruiters there, is something the owner has never done before. To know that someone believes in me and actually cares, is 10 billion times more the support than my last company gave me. I start Monday.

So, here I am. 24. Brand new into 2019. New job, new living situation, no relationship…my whole world has changed. I think I am still in shock. I haven’t fully grasped it because it all just happened so quickly! But I am so proud of myself for following my heart and because I trusted it, it took care of me. It saved me.

Right now, my struggle is my loneliness. I’ve gotten used to spending time by myself, and I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well in the past 2 months. I still come home though time to time feeling sad. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so many different emotions lately, and no it’s not my period. I don’t know what it is. I have to admit, I’m not okay 75% of the time, but I know that it will get better and I have faith in that whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I just have my weaknesses though. Like, Thursday. When I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, by myself. I started feeling extra lonely and began to text. *I know*. I texted my Dad, calling him out on feeling disappointing in me for quitting my job. I called out Amy, for not being expressive about her feelings with me. I don’t regret it though. My dad responded in a very sweet way the next morning saying he was proud of me regardless. Amy, well…she responded will barely any answers, but it took me that conversation to realize that I need to let go.

By let go, I mean let go of any expectations. I guess I just had these expectations that eventually she would kiss me. That eventually she would move closer to me and grab my hand. That she would express to me that timing doesn’t matter and that she likes me too much. I was expecting all these things and in turn was breaking my heart. We are only sad when our expectations don’t meet reality. You can’t depend on anyone like that. You can’t depend on someone for your own happiness.

I went to the Kirkland Museum and I saw this piece of art of a brick wall…
“A taste of our Montrose exhibition: Illusion, by Phyllis Hutchinson Montrose, 1985”

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The painting is understood to mean that nothing is actually what it seems. That if you lean up against the wall (depend on someone), you could fall through and the rope that you could potentially grab (money, age, time, relationships) that is supposed to save you, isn’t actually going to save you (hence why the rope isn’t actually restrained to anything). I feel like it basically says, depend on yourself because no matter how much you’d like to believe that wall will hold you up or that rope will be something to grab on to for support, nothing is a for sure bet. Expectations don’t always meet reality. It’s sad, really, but it’s so true.

I stared at the painting for far too long. I took the time to interpret it like the artist wanted and I placed it into the different situations in my life. Relationships. You can only depend on them so much, but it can’t be for happiness. It has to only be an extra additive to your life, not the reason for your existence.

I think this is the chapter of my life of learning how to support myself 100%. Of learning how to practice self-care, and self-love to make difficult decisions. Of how to depend on myself, have trust within myself, and that I am the only person in my life that will do that for me without disappointment, not considering slip ups of course.

I’m starting to come around to the idea that I need to be vocal and expressive of my feelings regardless of what people think, including Amy. I’m coming around to the realization that if I don’t, it will just hinder my happiness further and at this stage of my life, working through a lot of feelings, I can’t afford not to. I am in a pretty vulnerable state and I have to nurture myself. Be compassionate. If that means being honest with Amy about how she makes me feel, even if they are bad feelings, I owe that to myself. I know her lack of relationships in her past along with her high-functioning Autism may play part in her lack of expression and communication, but those are things I really need, in considering a relationship.

I think that bottle of wine of Thursday set me right, a little bit. It made my most honest parts of myself show from underneath the barrier that I’ve been disclosing my sadness under. I think I needed to see that part of myself after trying so hard to cover it up for a while. Even if it was ugly and depressing. I just don’t want other people to see that. I know that I need help though and asking for it from my friends is perfectly okay. I just still struggle with it from time to time because of my pride.

So, cheers to new chapters. Learning more about ourselves. And coming face to face with our hardships. Cheers to bettering ourselves.

observing yourself from the outside in.

Have you ever had those shower thoughts where you notice certain things about yourself that have changed immensely and you don’t know exactly how or when it happened?

I had one of those thoughts the other day in the shower when I was taking my makeup off. I noticed that I liked my face both with and without makeup. I know what you’re thinking, “whatever dude,” but, I used to really just judge makeup. I had such a bad relationship with it. I didn’t like it on my face and I didn’t like when other people wore it. It wasn’t just the feeling of layers of foundation on my blemished skin or the thickness of my lashes weighing down my ability to see, but my values of makeup in this very vain society we live in. Then, standing there in the shower, I noticed that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about these “values” I just wanted to be fuckin happy and just not care anymore. If you know what I mean.

I felt more fluid. Like I was allowing myself to do what I wanted to do in the moment. If that moment included mascara and some eye shadow, I didn’t mind. It’s kinda like…I stopped caring so much about what I felt I was standing up for and just started to react on feelings I would have in the moments I had them. It felt freeing and peaceful. I felt like I was giving up this whole “feminist” ideal I’d adapted to while in Ohio, because I felt as a woman, I should take action for my fellow ladies behind these made-up faces.

I think I realized what truly felt liberating. Not the ideas of others that I felt I needed to adapt as my own, but of my own ideas at whatever cost they had to the people around me.

This isn’t even just about makeup. It’s about my whole being and how I view myself here and now from when I viewed myself, say, last month. We’re all changing and all the time.

I think the word, “fluid”, is my favorite currently. It’s such a freeing term. It just means that we can go each and every way we feel is right for us. That we can decide to let change happen as it will and embrace it.

I read in this new book of mine, “Pillow Thoughts”, by Courtney Peppernell, an inspirational passage from page 194.

It read,

“When you have been someone your whole life and suddenly you realize a part of you exists that you never realized before, It’s perhaps the hardest thing to walk away from the you that you have always known. To walk into the open arms of this new, redefined you is like saying, I don’t know you very well, but I want to.”

Have you ever tried looking at yourself from an outside perspective? Your actions, behaviors, and what you say to other people? Instead of living in your head, you think of who you actually are when you aren’t paying attention? I know it sounds like a mind fuck, but we live in our heads so much. Sometimes we don’t notice what we’re doing until someone tells us to our face, “Hey, you’re being an asshole, just wanted you to know.”

Well I’ve started to do that and I feel like I’m getting to know myself all over again. I’m more aware of my actions and my involuntary behaviors. I feel like I’m studying myself in a way? Not in a vain way, but just to figure out if my mind and my actions are meeting up in sync. I want to be my true self in and out. I think I’m starting to really realize what that means to me.

A few months ago I could definitely says that most of my actions were not meeting up with how I truly felt. I was relying mostly on my physical appearance for people to understand who I was. I was obsessed with “expressing myself” through clothing, my hair, etc; How I wanted the world to see me instead of how I wanted to see myself.

Once I got to Colorado, where I now live with loving and supportive people who encourage my utmost weirdness and uniqueness, I was able to step back and realize how I feel most comfortable expressing myself physically. I guess that’s where the makeup comes in as an example. I use to shame myself for wearing it because I thought it would mean that I’m letting society get the best of my ideals of beauty, but really, I just like wearing it from time to time. I like trying new colors and styles. Also, I dress up now. Out of pure enjoyment and not for anyone else.

I realize what these changes have done to my life thus far. I feel happier. I feel motivated and inspired. Not because of the cliche, “Look good, feel good”, but because when I choose to dress and look the way that my heart and mind agrees with, I am happier than resorting to stereotypes and ideals others have tried pushing onto me because they think that’s who I am.

Most importantly I realized that no nose ring, plugs, hair style, hair color, or wardrobe can define who I really am. It can only add to the beautiful personality I have to offer to the world. I’m not here as a showpiece or a model for a group of people defined by labels. I am here to define myself in every fluid, crazy way I see fit.

So, I no longer ask myself what I should wear or how my face should look. I ask, “how do I feel today?” and go from there.