being uncomfortable

Looking around my apartment, I only see things that mean something to me. The paintings that I created and remind me of different times of my life, the books that I’ve cried reading and still pick up from time to time to enjoy again, the plants that I love like babies, and little mementos that bring me joy just to look at.

When I had broken up with my long-term girlfriend whom I lived with for a year, I had created this Pintrest apartment that I had imagined my “single-self” to have. I would get compliments on how my apartment looked when my friends would come over and I felt like a true”adult” with my “adult” furniture and decorations. It just looked like I had my life together. Over time, I began to notice how my apartment was constructed for me by others, online, instead of being decorated from what fed my heart and soul.

I began to look around and started to cry, confused as to why I didn’t feel like home in what’s supposed to be my sanctuary. I began tearing everything down. The wall art, the meaningless crap collecting on the shelves, etc; I started to get really uncomfortable and anxious, like I was changing something really huge in my life and it made me unsettled. I remember learning once that people go through phases of the most uncomfortable/confusing feelings in life because they’re going through a transition, and that if you just stick through it great things will happen…that you should just feel them and push through. I broke down for a week. When I mean break down, I mean I was on the couch crying. I was anxious at work, I was anxious in my car…nothing would help. It wasn’t until I just kept getting rid of the meaningless things in my life did everything start clearing up. Kind of like I was shedding a skin.

I feel like I was shedding a life I imagined myself to have instead of being comfortable in the one I already had. I think it’s easy, being my age, to wonder where I should be at in life. How “adult” I should be at 24. How much money should I have in my IRA by this point, should I have created my will yet? My cats and dignity are all that I have in my possession at 24.

You know what though…when I look back on my life a few years ago when I was asking myself the same questions, “where am I supposed to be right now” I would tell myself, “relax, babe, it will come. Don’t you worry.” I feel like my future self would tell me exactly that. I am clearly on different paths from my friends. I have friends that are older than me and don’t have any idea what they are doing with their career and/or living at home. I have friends my age that are doing amazing things with their career and have a game plan for their life. Age doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, here I am, in my apartment that isn’t bare, but definitely more vacant. *sips tea*. I feel good. Everything that I look at makes me smile. This place feels like a safe space, like it’s actually mine. And although I’m sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a  studio apartment, not in the best part of town unlike my friends..I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be. I have everything I need and more.

On to my personal life…I am still in a transitional period. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled. I think it’s just because there’s a person in my life that I have a lot of feelings for and I’m trying to figure them out. Not something as easy to control as my apartment.

Every moment I spend with her makes my heart sink in to my stomach, in excitement but also in anxiety. They tell you love should be easy and effortless…I’ve had those kinds of loves, and I’ve learned that nothing compares to the ones you have to fight for, the ones you immense passion in, the ones that are so deep that it’s built on the lust to know them over the desire to take that first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kiss her…I want to know what It would feel like, but I don’t mind staring at her lips until then as she talks to me about her past, present, and future.

This kind of love makes me sick. Sick in fear and sick in wonder.

Like all uncomfortable situations, I’m working through them. I’m hoping for something grand.

Wish me luck,

 

C

It Doesn’t Take Long To Change Your Life

One month and 5 days ago I broke up with my long term girlfriend. Since then I’ve embarked on the journey of finding myself again and learning to not only be alone, but live alone too and for the first time. It started off rough…I was lonely on Saturday nights when I saw my long distance best friend going out, on her snap story. I would cry and think of what to do with myself. I would want to go out to a bar by myself, but would end up feeling anxious and deciding to stay home. I had a hard time finding a routine. I was having a hard time not being distracted from myself like I had been for years.

One month and 5 days later, I’ve come a long way. Now, I know how to spend the longest of days by myself. Entertain myself, but also sit with myself in silence. I like doing things now like laying in bed before bed just listening to music. I like sipping my coffee in my new chair, to absolutely no distractions. I like my mindful showers and car rides of talking to myself. I am enjoying my solitude.

Not only have I just started learning who I am alone, I am able to really unwind my mind to determine what things in my life need to stay and what needed to go. It doesn’t come all at once either, but bit by bit. Certain friends and expectations were left behind. Certain routines I had were left behind. One very important thing, my job. I’m still sitting here working, but I hope to hear from my new potential boss today, If I got the new job.

I’ve been able to refresh my entire life without leaving it all behind to move to a new place, like I’m generally used to. I extended my lease even, by a year. I painted a wall in my apartment *gasp, I know!* Even my friends were surprised I decided to stay…which honestly made me feel a little bad. I do move on pretty quickly, but it’s because I know what I have to do. I think my gut knows though that there are too many unresolved things here to just leave.

So, if you’ve been following my blog for a while you know that my job is a suck fest. You are constantly putting out fires and it’s a revolving door. For a recruiter, that’s the worst kind of recruitment. Another thing too is that all my work friends are changing jobs and leaving me. It’s a very negative culture, hence the turnover.

I had the most amazing opportunity to interview with a company that is the polar opposite. They’re downtown, in the heat of the city, they’re modern, progressive, innovative, and the culture is remarkable. It even pays more. The most important thing is that there’s so much opportunity to advance and make a difference. It’s basically my dream job at this point in my life. I should hear some feedback today. I’m anxiously waiting.

If I get this job, I would have detoxed my life from all the negativity and toxic relationships that I have established. Removing a toxic relationship and a bad work environment alters literally every part of my life, professional and personal. It would be such a huge difference.

I’m so ready to leave this place. I’m ready to put everything behind me and move forward with so much more positive energy. I’m ready to step into the next chapter of my life and see where it takes me.

Running with how my intuition feels, I feel like I got the job. I feel like I have the qualifications and the references to get me there. Most of all I feel like I have the personality. I would fit the culture. I know I can do this job and it excites me to even think about it.

Cross your toes for me…

New things are comin

Turning Life Stressors Simpler

Two things seems to set me straight. Thinking simply and thinking gratefully. I have to remind myself sometimes that life doesn’t need to be so difficult. You don’t need so many things and so much money to be happy. Life really is pretty simple. You just need to live. Whether it be on a literal sense of keeping yourself alive with the essentials ie., food, water, shelter, etc; or through your passion of maybe writing. Just live and live happily, right? Thinking that no one is going to pay attention really to the clothes on your back or really care if you’re wearing makeup or how you look to the outside world altogether.

You can just be yourself because people only really care about themselves, right? When someone is looking at you and thinking a certain thing, it may be because they’re comparing you to themselves. Which just turns into an ego thing. As humans we can’t really help it because it’s the culture we were brought up in (social medias ya know), but it should give a peace of mind that we are only really paying attention to ourselves and that we should just BE ourselves. For me, thinking that way allows me to therefor focus on what I want and what I love and desire. It makes things a whole of a lot simpler living on the terms of you.

As far as my gratitudes go lately, I want to list them for myself:

 

  1. Christina, my girlfriend. The one person on the planet I can talk to about absolutely anything. We feel so comfortable around each other and there’s so much stability in our relationship. We both acknowledge our faults and admiration of each other, but most of all our commitment. The stability makes me feel free. If that makes sense. lol
  2. I am leasing a home in 2 months. A space completely of my own (and my girlfriends), but no unwanted roommates, no worry of being kicked out, I can walk around wearing whatever I want (nakey), no one eats my food, there’s no evil dog that attacks me when I need to go to the bathroom, and I have full agency to decorate and put my things anywhere. Freedom and privacy. Ahhh. Yes.
  3. That I left my old job working 60 hours, getting paid 320$ a week, getting manipulated by my boss, and overworking my relationships with Christina by working together. (I was the recruiter and she is a Sales Leader) It has since made me realize my worth and my abilities to do better as well as create a healthier relationship between Chris and I. Also every time I hear my ex-boss being unethical and shitty, it further confirms my decision. Every time I think of waking up in the morning not dreading my job refreshes my soul. I am a happier me and I’m getting back to my old self before the cult-like business drowned me in cheesy one-liners and over communication. I still fully support my girlfriend pursuing her dream staying there as she’s gonna over rule the shitty boss and make the business great again. I believe that. She love the day-to-day, and I do not. And that’s okay.
  4. The temporary job I have now that pays me two times more than my last job, for less amount of work. Sure it’s only for 3 weeks, but it pays so much I can save enough money for bills for TWO months just in case the job situation is a little more tricky than anticipated. If I do get that job right after as well, it allows me a whole month to save and pay off my credit card. So, actual income. lol.
  5. I’VE FOUND MYSELF AGAIN. Working 6 months in a company that pretty much makes you work 6 days a week and 10 hours a day, it took up a lot of my personal time. The time I initially thought would be allotted toward writing, hiking, and exploring. All the things that made me, me. So, I lost myself. I thought it was okay that I was changing so much because the business was pretty big on personal development and I wanted to be a better worker and a better person. Which, I did learn a lot about myself on both levels, but I ended up losing myself along the way as well. If that makes any sense. Like…I forgot about my blog. I forgot about how much I loved the smell of fresh air when I used to go for walks and hikes. I forgot how much I needed yoga in my life. I forgot what the separation of work and home felt like. I forgot that I do not owe my work 100% of myself and that I need to give a healthy balance to my relationships as well. I forgot that I was not a robot. Since then I have not worn a suit or stayed past my regular 8 hours at my current temporary job. I started planning trips to travel with Christina and started regularly taking care of myself. I started writing again. & It feels great. (:

 

One really important quote I learned since quitting my job and finding a new place to live…that’s helped me with the uncertainty of the future and starting fresh…

(I do not remember the exact quote or who said it lol)

There are two kinds of anxiety; fear and excitement. It’s your mindset that chooses which one you choose to allow into your life.

I choose excitement every day.